The business didn’t really pick up. What had started as a slow day, ended as a slow day. It was frustrating, because Brian knew the rival jazz café was filled to the brim, all because of their live music. It couldn't continue on like this. If they kept stealing their customer base like that, it would be their end.
They had to do something; his cousin and boss had to do something. So after taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door of Kevin’s office. He waited a few seconds until he heard a "Come in!" then he stepped through the door.
Kevin’s office was a mess, there were papers spread all over his desk, and the tiny room was filled with way too much furniture. It didn't really seem inviting, and yet his cousin seemed to feel right at home. He was sitting behind the desk, looking at him expectantly.
"Hey, Kev," Brian spoke up immediately, no wanting to let his cousin wait any longer. "AJ and I have been talking about that jazz café. We thought maybe we should get some live musicians, as well. I mean … we kinda are losing our customers to them."
A sigh escaped Kevin’s throat as he heard those words. Slowly he pushed the paper he had been writing on to the side. He seemed to be thinking for a moment, trying to put the words in his mind in order, before he gave them to his cousin. When he had finally decided what to say, he leaned back on his chair. "Brian, if it were that easy I would have already done it, but I simply can't afford to employ another person. We need to find another way to get our customers back."
The monetary restrictions were of course a problem. Even though Brian had been vaguely aware of them, he didn't think too much about it. The café had fallen into a slump; they were making no more money than they made before they changed their recipes, perhaps even less. Still, Brian thought that Kevin would have a way to get musicians somehow. Even if he didn't, they had to change something. They couldn't let their rivals destroy their business.
"I … I would give up some of my wage for a live musician if that helps," Brian said.
He had thought about it before. It wouldn't matter to him. Paul was earning enough money with his IT work. He could provide for them, even if Brian earned a little less. If that was what needed to be done to get their business running again, Brian was willing to do it. It sounded like a great idea in his mind. Looking at Kevin, however, Brian noticed that he didn't seem really excited about it. He was frowning when he responded. "Brian, you get so little already. I can't pay you any less. You do so much for the shop; it wouldn't be right."
"But I'm fine, Kev!" Brian quickly retorted, but his cousin wouldn't have it.
"Stop it! I'm not paying you less." Kevin shook his head and stared him down. It was obvious he would block any further suggestions in that direction.
Brian eyed Kevin skeptically. While it was great to have a boss that cared for his employees, it also made things difficult. It hindered him from making the right business decisions when they were needed. Sometimes it was better to be a little cold towards the people that worked for you if it meant saving them in the long run. Brian knew all that, but he also knew that Kevin wouldn't be willing to hear it. So all he could do was to release a sigh.
When Kevin noticed his frustration he pressed his lips to a line. After a moment of silence he spoke again. "Don't worry; we will find a solution, even if I have to play the piano myself."
It sounded like a great idea! Kevin was really good at playing music. Brian had listened to him all the way back, when he was still a child and Kev was just learning. What had started out as clumsy attempts at music had evolved into art. It sounded like a great idea to use his talent, but there was a problem.
"We don't even have a piano," Brian stated the obvious as he allowed his shoulders to drop. It all seemed so hopeless. Didn't Kev see? If he did, he surely was great at hiding his worries. Then again, perhaps he was just not ready to give up so easily.
"We will manage one way or another." His cousin ended the conversation.
It was obvious he was done discussing it. Brian knew that his cousin cared a lot about the café. Of course he did; it was his baby. It was everything he had ever dreamed of owning, so him ending the conversation about it didn't mean he did not care. It simply meant that Kevin didn't want to talk about it anymore. He knew the problems, but he had not found all the solutions yet.
"But enough business talk, now. How are you?" As he asked that question, Kevin’s expression got quite a bit warmer.
Brian noticed how he was looking him over, examining him. There was no hint of worry in his eyes, but a lot of curiosity. "I'm okay." It was the best answer Brian could offer.
It wasn't exactly true; Brian knew he wasn't happy. He felt like he was down in the dumps, but he didn't like to admit it. Kevin had enough to worry about, without having to hear how Brian was doing. Even though the older man didn't show it, Brian knew that he was worried. Owning a successful café had been his big dream and right now it wasn't working out. Compared to Kevin’s issues, Brian’s felt so irrelevant.
"That doesn't sound particularly good," Kevin spoke, seemingly not happy with his answer.
Brian sighed as he looked at him. It didn't seem like he would allow him to slip out of this conversation. The way Kevin was staring him down it was obvious he wouldn't let him go on until he got the truthful answer he wanted. So, with a frustrated sigh, he tugged on his sweater as he spoke.
"Um, Kev, I just miss the old me, the fit me. Look at me now." He spread his arms slightly to present himself, causing Kevin to shake his head.
"Aw, it's not that bad really." The older man leaned his head to the side as he looked him over.
Why did they all have to say that? It was bad. For him, it was terrible. He just didn't feel comfortable with all that extra weight. He hated that all his favorite clothes didn't fit him anymore. He hated the looks he got and how all of that chub caused him to get out of breath so easily.
So he couldn't hide the frustration in his voice when he responded to Kevin’s well-meant words: "You sound just like AJ."
He knew they both just wanted to cheer him up. But how could they make him feel better about something he felt so disgusted by?
"But it's true. Right, you are a little chubby, but that's not what counts. When I look at you I see a kind man, who cares more about everybody else than about himself." Kevin smiled when he spoke, but his eyes were full of sorrow. "Brian, there are really way worse things than you being a few pounds too heavy."
Of course he would say that, he did not have to live with it. He was not the one that was fat. No, Kevin was slim and tall. He still could do sports, go out have fun, be active, distract himself from his worries, and have a way to get out all that negative energy. There was a lot of negative energy; when Brian thought about the past few months, so many things had happened that caused him to be sad, angry, and depressed.
"You say that, but you aren't the one who gets all the looks and insults," Brian huffed and turned his head to look to the ground.
It was true. People could be so cruel, just because you didn't fit their beauty standards. He remembered every word and every action: the laughter, the insults, the violence. It wasn't happening every day, but still often enough.
"People are insulting you?" Kevin seemed shocked.
Why was he though? He should have known that was what fat people went through all the time.
"Who is insulting my lil' cousin? How dare they!" Now he was getting loud.
Brian knew that Kevin would protect him if the need arose, but he didn't want that. Those problems he had were his own. He had to take care of it himself. It would be wrong to burden his cousin with it. If he got involved, it would just end badly.
So, annoyed by Kevin's anger, Brian raised his hand. "Kev, calm down. It's alright."
"No, it's not." Kevin protested.
Of course it wasn't, but what did he want Brian to do? There was nothing he could do without getting himself in trouble. Also, it felt so uncomfortable to talk about this. It had been a mistake to admit his weakness. Now he had someone worried for him, who didn't even understand what it was like.
So Brian shook his head firmly. "Yes, it is. I don't want to talk about it right now. See you tomorrow."
This discussion wasn't leading anywhere, anyhow. If they continued it, they would just circle around the same subject over and over. It was better to end it. That way Brian could also avoid thinking about it further. It felt easier just to go. And just like that, he turned around to leave the office and close the door behind him. He had to get home, anyhow. Paul was waiting for him.
-
The journey home didn't take long. Leipzig was a city with great public transport; there were trams heading in all directions. Brian had to travel to the west part of the city, as Paul and him lived in a flat in a district called Lindenau. It was calmer than the city center and yet more lively than the outer rims of town.
Brian loved living there not far from the city stadium, close enough that he could hear the live concerts happening there. In the early days of their relationship, before Brian had moved in, Paul and he sometimes had spent the whole evening on their balcony just to listen to the music. It had been a while since they had last done that.
As Brian climbed the last flight of stairs leading to their apartment, he remembered that night. Guns 'n' Roses had been giving a concert. He loved that band for a long time, so it had been a great opportunity to hear them play live, even though he could not afford the tickets at that time. It had been a beautiful evening. Paul had cared for him so much that night: held him, kissed him, touched him. If only they could repeat that soon.
As he opened the door, he was set on suggesting another concert night to his boyfriend, but when he pushed it open and saw his man waiting on the other side, he knew it wasn't the right time to speak about it.
"Where have you been?" Paul sounded angry and he looked it too.
Brian examined him, careful not to meet his piercing brown eyes. There Paul stood, his hands resting on his hips, staring at him in anger. He was dressed in a blue sweater and gray jeans, and his dark-brown hair was hanging unkempt to his shoulders. It had been one of the things Brian had loved so much about him, that long hair. He also had loved his smile, but his current expression was far from that. His nostrils were flared and his eyebrows narrowed. It all caused Brian to lower his head.
"Sorry, it took a little longer than usual. I had a talk with my cousin about some things," he said, quickly coming a bit closer to his boyfriend and giving him an apologetic look. He didn't seem to take the apology.
"Why didn't you call?" Paul asked instead, causing Brian to press his lips to a line.
He was right, he should have called. After all, that was what his mobile was for, to let Paul know when he was going to be late. It had been stupid of him to forget to, but all those worries about the café had caused him to be distracted.
"I didn't think about it. My mind was elsewhere," Brian admitted truthfully, looking up a bit.
Being scolded like that felt bad, Brian didn't want Paul to be angry. Carefully, he reached out to touch the taller man’s arm. When that caused his boyfriend to pull back, Brian winced a little.
"Do you even care about me?" The question stung Brian, to the heart.
Of course he cared, but Paul was right, he had not been very good at showing it, and half of the day he had been thinking about another guy, too. It made him feel so bad that even now he remembered how attractive and charming that Nick guy had been. How could he think about him, when Paul loved him so much? He felt bad.
So before he answered Paul's question, he wiped his eyes, where tears were forming. "Of course I do, babe! I'm sorry."
He finally looked up into those eyes to meet them with his own. There was anger in them, but after a moment it faded away and Paul stepped closer, putting his arms around Brian and pulling him up against his chest.
Paul bent down and whispered into his ear, "Don't do it again, alright?"
All Brian could do was to nod. He didn't know any words to say anymore, and was afraid that whatever he could say would only make Paul angry again. So he stayed silent, while his boyfriend lead him along towards the kitchen.
When they entered the room Brian could see that his lover had prepared dinner for them. There was a pot with spaghetti and a basket full of baguette pieces with melted garlic-butter on them. Additionally, there was a bowl full of chocolate pudding standing on the counter. Brian widened his eyes as he saw it.
"Let's eat and calm down, okay?" Paul gently played his hand through Brian’s hair as he asked the question.
Seeing the amount of food, Brian could only sigh. All of it was unhealthy and fattening, not the kind of stuff he wanted to eat. Paul knew how he felt about his weight, so why was he doing this? He didn't dare to ask, cause he didn't want to upset him.
Still he tried to protest just a little: "Mm, I don't think I'm very hungry today."
His words were chosen carefully, he didn't want to hurt his boyfriend, yet he seemingly did, because as soon as he finished speaking, Paul pulled away from him. As Brian faced him again, he found him staring at him in disappointment.
"But I made it just for you," he said, sounding hurt and looking at the table.
Once again Brian looked at the assortment of food. Of course it was charming that his boyfriend made it with such deep love just for him, but it was so much. He felt so bad about his weight and all this would only add to it. Paul had to understand that, right? "I know, but," he carefully addressed his lover, trying to calm him down, trying to explain, "I gained so much weight, I feel really uncomfortable and fat. I have to change my eating habits."
Now Paul frowned and looked him over. He blinked a bit and shook his head.
"Don't be silly; you are fine. I love you the way you are," Paul said and reached a hand out to gently rub his belly.
"But I don't wanna be like this," this time it was Brian who pulled back, because he felt disgusted by being touched there.
When he did, Paul looked at him thoughtfully. For a moment he was silent, then he huffed, taking Brian by the hand and leading him towards the table.
"C'mon babe. I put all my love into this meal. Don't throw it away like that, just because you’re going crazy. Or do you want to make me sad? Is that it? First you come home late and now you don't want to eat what I made with love?" With his drilling question, Paul let go of Brian’s hand to sit down on his chair.
Those words got to Brian. It wasn't right to not appreciate all of the love Paul was giving him. He did so much for him, and all Brian was thinking about was himself. That realization made him feel so guilty again. He didn't want to throw away that love. What did his worries about weight matter, when he had to take care of their relationship?
Without a further word, Brian decided to give in. Paul was right, so he moved around the table and sat down on his chair slowly. It wouldn't be that bad; he loved spaghetti, after all.
Eating took a while. Paul lightened up quite a bit when Brian started to eat and actually enjoy the food. The pasta was very well made, so tasty and with just the right amount of salt, and the baguette to it was such a nice addition. Finally, the chocolate pudding was so sweet and a great contrast to the meal before. There was nothing to complain about; Paul was a good cook.
When they were done eating Brian felt stuffed and full. He couldn't help immediately regretting eating so much, and yet when he looked at Paul and saw him smile, he forced himself not to think about it.
"You're the most beautiful creature on the planet, Brian baby. I love you," his boyfriend said as he cleaned the table, allowing Brian to rest.
"I love you, as well," Brian responded with a smile of his own.
-
After dinner, it was time for television. Brian cuddled up to Paul and watched the scenes unfolding on the screen. His mind wasn't really thinking about it, though. Now that they were sitting, his mind traveled back to his worries. All the food he had consumed made him feel so bad. He didn't know how many calories he had eaten, but it were way too many for the amount of movement he was doing in a day.
He would continue gaining if it went on like this; he had to do something. Paul would understand, wouldn't he?
So, after a moment of hesitation, he raised his voice. "Babe?" He looked up to his lover and sat up a little so he could better see his face.
Paul was still looking at the television screen when he responded, "Yes, my love?"
"I want to start doing sports again." The words left Brian’s throat quickly.
He promptly regretted it when he saw Paul’s reaction. His boyfriend quickly jerked his head around and scowled. Anger was written all over his face as he stood up from the couch.
"Are you starting again? Am I such a bother to you?" his words were loud and he was looking down at him.
"No, honey … " Brian quickly tried to deflect, but Paul interrupted him.
"Shut it, Brian, you just can't stand being around me. You wanna leave me alone. You work all day, and now you wanna spend your free time doing sports? How much time will be left for us then?" his lover's voice was still raised and Brian could see anger flaming in his eyes.
Paul leaned down, and Brian shrank farther away from him, into the couch. He gave Brian a light shove, before moving in and pressing him back into the sofa, gripping his shoulders.
"There still would be enough time." Brian was panicking as he looked up at the towering figure of his boyfriend.
He loved him so much; he didn't want him to be angry. He wanted him to be the kind man he had grown to love. It was all Brian’s fault; he had made him angry.
"Are you serious? I can't believe it. Okay, if you really want to get away from me so badly, then go." His boyfriend’s eyes narrowed as he spoke, then he pulled away and turned his back to him pointing at the door.
Brian gasped, then sobbed as tears started to run along his cheeks. He didn't want to argue with Paul. He wanted to hug and cuddle with him. He was so good to him. Brian wondered why he was so talented in always messing things up.
"No, Paul … No. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry," he said in a desperate fashion, reaching out and touching Paul’s arm, "Please look at me, babe. I love you, okay?"
He pleaded with him, wanting to prevent him from ending their relationship. The idea of being without Paul felt so scary. What would he do without him? He was full of worry when he eyed his boyfriend’s back. As Paul finally turned around again and knelt down in front of him, Brian sobbed again.
Paul spoke in a gentle voice as if he was speaking to a child and wiped Brian’s tears away. "Brian, why are you always like that? It's like you don't love me. You’re always trying to get away from me. It can't be that way. You have to work on that. I, alone, can't be the one to make our relationship work. You have to do something for it, too."
He was right. They had been so happy and calm watching their favorite show. They had even been cuddling, and Brian just had to mess it all up again by speaking about sports. Paul had told him before that he didn't want him to do sports, cause he’d rather spend time together with him. How could he have been so stupid?
"I … I know. I'm sorry; I will try to get better," Brian breathed out in a meek voice and leaned his forehead up against Paul's.
For a while they stayed like that just in silence, Brian still crying, and Paul still wiping the tears away. Paul cared so much for him, and how did he repay him? Thinking about other guys, not appreciating the food he made, and asking to do sports. As Brian’s tears dried, he still felt guilty.
When Paul finally stood up again, the dark-haired man sighed and reached down to grab Brian by the wrist.
"Prove it to me. Prove to me that you’re sorry," he said and pulled him up and along towards their bedroom. Brian knew what he meant.