And then there was darkness: it was like suddenly the sun, the moon and all the stars had vanished. There was nothing shining for him anymore. Nothing was bright enough to lighten his mood. He felt so numb, empty, void of any emotion, he couldn't even shed any tears anymore, because all of them had fallen already.
The room was as dark as his soul felt, the curtains heavy and thick had been pulled in front of the windows for days. He had denied to leave the room, didn't want to speak to anybody. He just kept his door locked, for everyone. Even if they would have tried to pull him out of his swamp, they probably would have failed. Most likely any attempt of getting him out of it would have only dragged him further down. Perhaps he was being pessimistic, but for Brian it felt more like finally being realistic. He should have put down his foot earlier, instead of giving in to false hopes.
Regrets and worries were covering his heart with a thick blanket. He was embarrassed and afraid of what he had done. Two days had passed since he had basically admitted having feelings for Nick. The words he had spoken then, the things he had done, Brian felt ashamed for it. It had been better when these things still had been his secrets. Now he just didn't want to see Nick anymore, not even from the distance. He was much too afraid of rejection and even more scared of ridicule. What he had done that day had driven him and his best friend further apart. And yet perhaps it was the best thing he could have done. Now at least things were clear and they would be able to stay away from each other. Well, they could if there was not the problem, that they were still together in one band.
He had not been thinking straight, when he put out his raw emotions towards Nick. When he had spoken them it was already too late. Brian had seen the confusion in the younger man's eyes, it was not like he had expected him to be fine with it. At the time he had not expected anything to happen, but he just had to speak. Had it been the right thing to do in order to push Nick away? In that moment he had certainly thought so. However, it had not even taken a second for him to regret every word that had dropped from his lips. While he had thought, that he had it all figured out, the chaos of his emotions came crashing down on him right away. Those words he had spoken, they were enough to make things difficult. If only he could have taken them back. As it was however, he had spoken them and all he felt he could do now was to pull away not only from Nick, but from everyone else as well. It was important that he did, because else it might have destroyed everything, he was so sure of that.
Things like that were awkward enough behind closed doors, where he could avoid Nick, but on stage that was no option. He didn't even want to think about going on shows with him. How should he portray the usual closeness between them? The fans surely would notice something was wrong, you couldn't hide these kind of things. Brian was well aware how all of this was capable of destroying everything they had built for themselves in the last 20 years. He couldn't allow that to happen, he needed to protect the band, himself and Nick. A choice had to be made. But why was it so hard?
All that was on his mind was Nick, from the first breath of the morning, to the last gasp of the evening. The youngest member of their band, his best friend, the guy he had fallen for, it was like the thought of him was sent to torture him night and day. Brian was being rational by staying away from him. Had he followed his emotions he just would have declared his undying love to Nick. If he followed his emotions, he could have tried to win him over, but he could not allow that to happen so he kept himself in check. It was better that way. He kept repeating that thought over and over in his mind. Maybe he would start believing it if he just repeated it often enough. Never before had he felt so torn. The worst part was, that he was certain, that Nick hated him for what he had done. Maybe he was even disgusted by him and his advances. And even if he was not disgusted, he surely at least would be weirded out. Perhaps he even had told their band-mates. Told them that Brian was gay and how it creeped him out. That thought was one of the horrors that kept hunting his mind and kept him locked in the room. He didn't want to face anyone, that could have judged him. All he wanted to be, was alone.
At least the darkness didn't hurt him, it kept him safe, nobody could see him when he used it as a blanket to hide. He didn't want to be seen, because he did not plan to share his suffering. He was drinking melancholy and spitting sadness. It all made no sense anymore. He avoided his friends and he couldn't even sing. And there it was again, that thought about the choice he had to make. He had to leave the Backstreet Boys. Why was he even still part of them anyway? He was only a burden. They were better off without him. If he simply wasn't there, Nick could stop his efforts trying to make him feel better, then he could focus on more important things. Without him Nick wouldn't have to deal with the silly emotions Brian had towards him either. Without him nobody had to worry about his voice anymore and the four of them could split his parts. In fact, right now Brian was certain, that it was pretty much the only way for them to survive.
He had given up trying to be what he was not anymore. Without his voice, he was no singer. He had not been one in a long time. In those last few years all he had been, was a clown, hiding his sadness behind a mask. To his credit he was pretty good in playing that part. It had helped him fool many people, even Nick for a while. His acting skills were to thank for the fact, that no journalist had written about his failing voice yet. But an actor was not worth a dime, in a vocal harmony group.
He couldn't postpone the decision any longer, he had to act now or never. So as he pushed himself off the bed, there was determination written on his face. This was the Brian not many people got to see, this was his business side, that made him seem years older than he was. When he was in this mode, his emotions were put away behind a secure lock. Like this nobody could stop him doing what he had planned. Not even the brightness outside of his room could keep him from doing what had to be done. Even as the light nearly blinded him when he opened the door he pushed himself forward. If he didn't do this now, he would never find the same strength again. He had to do it now, it was the best thing he could do. So his steps lead him down the stairs straight to the living room, which was located on the west side of the mansion. This was where he hoped the guys would be hanging out at this time of the day. And in fact he found AJ and Kev sitting on the couch. He didn't see Nick or Howie anywhere though, not that he minded. Not seeing Nick made things easier for him.
As he walked into the doorframe, he caught their attention without even needing to say a word. His presence and demeanor seemed to be prominent enough, that the other two men in the room turned their head to face him. That was a good thing, because he didn't feel like making an entrance speech to get them to listen to him. There were only two words he wanted to say and without hesitation he just blurted them out: „I quit!“, and as he spoke them he tasted them. Obviously unexpected for the other men, those words tasted like bitter iron on his tongue and they were heavy, hitting AJ and Kev with full force.
„What?“, AJ looked at him with an expression, that told him, that he wasn't sure he could believe what he just heard. So Brian had to repeat it. However unlike the first time he had planned ahead for, the second time was much harder. Suddenly there they were again, those thoughts. There were emotions, because he was attached to each and every one of his band-mates and there were memories of all the times they had lived through, the good and the bad. But he had to stay focused, had to be firm, it was better for all of them. So he suppressed the part of him, that doubted what he was doing right now and raised his voice again: „Like I said, I quit. I don't want to be part of the Backstreet Boys anymore.“, now he had spelled it out for them, clear as day and his voice sounded angrier than he had meant it to be. He had no reason to be angry with them, the only person he had reason to be angry with was himself.
“You can't be serious, Brian!”, Kevin looked similarly confused as AJ did. It seemed like this was coming to a surprise to them and it probably was. And yet Brian kept wondering how they could not have felt it coming. Kevin in particular, since he had asked him if he wanted to leave before. His cousin knew how it felt needing to leave the band behind. He was the one who had left before. That had been different times though. When Kev had left them, they had not been planning for an upcoming tour. To Brian it made no difference though, because he felt like he was doing the right thing, so he spoke on: “But I am serious. I quit! Tomorrow I will leave this place.“ and with that it was final. The expression on his face made it clear, that those were his last word on the subject. Both AJ and Kevin seemed to be shocked and unable to find the right words to say. What could you say to something like that coming out of nowhere? They had not been prepared for it. The thing that broke the silence came rather suddenly with the sound of glass shattering behind Brian, something that made AJ gasp.
When Brian turned around to search the source of the sound, he saw Nick staring at him in disbelief. Those blue eyes, they were so wide, that he had a hard time not to loose himself in them. It took a great amount of willpower to keep up his stern expression, but he managed. When what he read in Nick's eyes changed from shock to hurt though, Brian felt pain rising in his stomach. He wanted to hug Nick so badly right now, but if he would, he would never be able to go through with this.
As Nick's expression changed again it made Brian freeze. There was anger in those eyes and then there was pain, followed by disappointment. Suddenly it was as if the whole air around them became cold. So cold, that he had to squeeze his own hands into fists tightly. Nick leaned closer towards him, shaking his head. “You are such a coward Littrell!“, his voice was colder even than the atmosphere, sharply spoken and devoid of all emotion. Brian hearing these words so close to his ear shuddered as he felt how that coldness set upon his heart. Despite the fact, that he had expected Nick to react negatively, he had not been prepared for the coldness of his voice. When Nick simply pushed him to the side lightly, to walk past him into the living room and out towards the garden, Brian felt as if chains were being pulled tight around his heart. Frick and Frack were dead, it was over, Nick would never forgive him.
As he watched the blonde man leave, he felt himself falling into a deep pit of sadness, “I... sorry...“, his words were whispered too late, Nick didn't hear them anymore. He just had left him standing in the doorframe, facing the other two men. He looked at Kevin and AJ, who still were looking at him from the living room. Neither of them really seemed willing to speak anymore. Brian was not in a mood for it either and perhaps they had noticed. Once again he started to feel the strong urge to flee. He needed to get away from here. It was too bright, the light it was burning in his eyes, where was the darkness to hold him? Before Brian even realized it, he had turned around and his legs were carrying him up the stairs.
When he ran back into his room, he felt like a rope was being pulled tight around his throat. He needed to lock the door, he wanted to be alone, didn't want to see anyone. It was so hard to breath under the tears that found their way down his cheek and then as he locked the door the darkness gathered around him. Oh that sweet darkness: if he opened his heart for it, maybe it would fill the holes, that the last days had left in it. Nick had never been so cold, he never had spoken like that to him. His sweet Nick had always smiled and joked, when he had been around. He had hugged him when he was down, he had left him in peace, when he needed to think. The way he had been able to read his emotions was scary sometimes. Why wasn't he showing this empathy now?
Then again, why should he? Thinking about it, he pretty much had been the one who pushed Nick away. He should have been careful, what he had wished for. Without Frack, Frick was nothing only a shell without a name. Without Nick, he was incomplete. Brian sobbed, when their song came to his mind, Nicks voice, right now it made his heart shatter. As the music in his mind made him shudder once again he sank down against the wall to the ground. This moment, it was like his world was falling apart. Where there had been emptiness earlier, now all he felt was pain. It had been gathering in his stomach for days. Now he could cry again, but he felt like numbness was only waiting around the corner.
Once the pain would fade it would leave an even bigger hole, where it had been burning like a fire. Nothing could stop him from falling anymore, he felt like he would never be able to smile again. He was sick of his masks, sick of his failing voice, sick of being scared, sick of the fact that whatever he did lead to even more pain. Shadows were consuming him, shadows of the past and present, they all were dancing around him like wolves circling their prey. It was hard to get any a clear thought with them stabbing at him with needles, because every time they stabbed, he was reminded of that cold expression on Nick's face.
As the darkness consumed him, the numbness he expected came back. He felt how it changed him, how it left him staring into nothingness. He felt so empty, as if he had lost all of his power. All those years he always had been strong, for himself and for others, but he was done. There was simply no way he could keep staying the way he was. Because Frick couldn't exist anymore, it had been a part of himself, his enthusiasm, his will, his hope and strength. But Frick and Frack were dead, so now he was left to be the other half.
The sick, little boy with a heart condition, the man with the failing voice, that guy, who was the coward. Brian didn't think too highly of himself. Before he had met Nick, he had nearly already given up on everything. Only the masks he wore had kept people from noticing. If Frick and Frack hadn't been, he wouldn't have survived 1998, he was sure of that. The only reason he survived had been Nick. The younger man had always made him strong and without him he felt hopeless.