Desperation and pain were cruel and unforgiving companions. When Nick had realized Brian was an addict it had hurt him, but seeing him actually inject heroin twisted a tight rope around his heart. The way he did take the substance greedy and longing, while pretending Nick wasn't there, it was was shocking. For the longest time Nick had been everything for Brian, now that spot was taken by something that didn't even breath. And after he had taken it Fricks demeanor had changed completely. He had become way too calm and careless. He was acting as if nothing mattered, when all this mattered so much. Heroin was destroying the man Nick loved right in front of his eyes. It was so frustrating, too. He wasn't sure how he could fight the drug.
When Brian sat down on the back of the bike, Nick took his seat as well. His worries and fears silenced him. While Brian was humming, seemingly so happy and unaware of all his problems, Nick started to cry. The tears were silent and while they were produced by sadness Nick felt mostly anger and frustration. He frowned as he kicked into the pedals and started to ascend the hill. It was exhausting and especially difficult with Brian sitting behind him, but Nick didn't stop for a second. Those dark emotions he felt were pushing him forward. They filled him up with such energetic rage, that he simply couldn't stop. Corner after corner he made his way up the hill, while his hurting heart started to accelerate. By the time he reached his mansion he could feel it beating up to his throat. He was breathing heavily and exhausted, while his eyes were burning from way too many tears. As he stepped off the vehicle he bend slightly forward and gasped deeply. "Nice place!", Brian exclaimed and it was obvious, that he had not even noticed Nicks mood. That was another thing the drug destroyed. Usually Frick always knew what Frack was feeling just out of instinct, but the drug cut that connection. It didn't seem as if he even cared. When Nick turned to him and revealed his tear-stained face nothing about Brian's behavior changed. He was still smiling a distant smile as he walked past him towards the mansions entrance. Nick sighed since it hurt a lot to have his love that way, but he also was glad that he had come along. He did not want to think about all the things that could have happened if he didn't.
When Nick opened the door Brian was the first one to enter. He started walking down the hallway without even knowing where it lead. "Welcome home, Bri.", Nick muttered nearly inaudible as he stepped in after him. Soon Brian reached the first door, the one that lead to the living room. He stopped. As Nick could see him reaching out for the door-handle he made a few quick steps forward to grab him by the shoulder. "Nope Bri, you better head upstairs to the guestrooms. You should sleep!", he spoke with a firm voice. The way that drug made his Frick be, Nick doubted that he could have a proper conversation with him while he was on it. Sleeping was the method to get him clean. For a moment Brian hesitated, but then he let go of the door and shrugged. "It's late, I guess.", he mumbled with that ever present distant smile. A moment later he started walking again heading towards the stairs that were located at the end of the hall. Nick followed right behind him.
"First door to the right!", Nick guided him and Brian followed his instructions. Slowly they stepped through the door. As they entered the guest room the smaller man pushed forward. Nick was still right behind him and only stopped walking when Brian sat down on the side of the bed. The taller blonde watched his Frick quickly slip out of his shoes. As he was done removing them, he laid down sideways and stared at him. When their eyes met Nick was shocked about how distant they looked and there was something else in them that he couldn't quite place. It scared him. His Frick however did only smirk, before he raised his voice: "So you gonna let me sleep or you want something more? I can tell you what you have to pay for my services." As Brian said those words and then started to lick his lips trying to seduce him, Nick felt as if someone had punched him right in the stomach. He once had loved to kiss Brian, but he had never paid for it. Was this what Brian thought? That he was just another client, who wanted to buy sex from him? How could he think that way about him? Had he forgotten all the feelings they once had shared? Nick didn't know what to say as the rope he felt around his heart twisted tighter once more. Only as Brian turned over to lay on his back and stare at the ceiling Nick managed to press out a quick "Good night!", before fleeing from the room.
Whoever that man laying in his guestroom was, it wasn't his Brian. And as new tears found their way into his eyes Nick headed off towards his own room.
- 2 hours later:
With a sudden gasp for breath Brian sat up straight in the bed. Once again there had been this nightmare haunting his dreams. Those last few weeks it had happened quite a lot and it always was the same dream, too. It had him locked in a room with no exits except for one hole in the ceiling. For a moment there always was hope, but that hole provided no means to escape. Instead it was where sand started to pour into the room. It was pouring and pouring until Brian couldn't breath anymore. That was when he always woke up. Confusion took a hold of him, when in the first few moments he had a hard time making out where he was. This wasn't his shack, the room was fancy and the bed too soft, but this wasn't Georges place either. This place was new. He had not been here before and it smelled like someone he remembered. Nick. When that name came to his mind, the memories suddenly came back as well: the bike, the dealer, the heroin-high. Nick had brought him here. It had not been a dream, his ex-boyfriend truly had found him. For a moment Brian couldn't help but smile when he remembered how good it had felt to be close to his love again, but that memory didn't last long. As soon as he could think straight again his worries came back. Now that his high was gone all that was left were sorrows. He couldn't stay here. Nick was too kind, Brian couldn't use him like that. That would simply not be fair to him. As much as Brian would have enjoyed to stay, he just loved Nick too much. He couldn't put all his problems upon the younger mans shoulders. He had to flee. So without hesitation Brian turned around and grabbed his shoes. It didn't take long to slip into them and a moment later Brian had already made his way out of the room. Soon he would be outside under the pale moon. As fast as he could while being silent he hurried downstairs towards the front door. Already he wanted to release a sigh of relief, but when he pushed down on the doors handle it didn't budge. Quickly the realization hit him. Nick had locked the door. There was no way to open it without the key and Brian had no doubt about where to find it. He had to get to Nicks room.
Taking a deep breath Brian started to slowly creep back on the way he came. Step for step he sneaked up the stairs, listening to any sounds that could have alerted him about Nicks presence. Alas there were none, the walls and doors were thick enough to keep any sounds from escaping the respective rooms they protected. And yet when Brian reached the top of the stairs, he noticed something that made it easy to determine where his love was sleeping. One of the doors was different from the others. One of them was holding a sign that told the reader to 'Keep Out'. It was the kind of sign you expected to find on the door to a teenagers room, but it was also typically Nick.
A smile appeared on Brian's face as he approached that door. Slowly and careful to be silent he opened and pushed through it. The room he entered wasn't as dark as he had expected. The lights were out, but the curtains were open and the moon was shining bright into the window. The white orb gave him enough light to make out the shapes he needed to see. The room was rather large: left of the door was an area with couches, consoles and a television and right of the door was a huge bed. As Brian examined that bed he noticed Nick laying sideways on it, his back turned towards him. He looked so peaceful while he was sleeping, he always had and he was beautiful. For a moment he just stared at him, but then he remembered why he was here. He needed to find the key and so he stepped deeper into the room. Where could he have put it? Brian walked closer towards one of the nightstands, since that was his first assumption. He was about to open one of the drawers, when something stopped him in that motion. There was a sound coming from Nick, that he had not expected to hear. After listening for a moment it became clear as day. Nick was sobbing. His love was... crying. When Brian heard that sound it felt as if someone was ripping his heart out. He hated it. Why was he sad? It wasn't supposed to be that way. Nick had to be happy, smiling, shining. Before he knew what he was doing Brian found himself letting go of the drawer. Instead he crawled into Nicks bed until he was laying next to him. In a swift motion he put his arms around his Frack and pulled him closer.
It had not been the first time he had hold Nick like that, but it had been years since the last time it happened. As the younger man felt the touch his body stiffened. Nick had not expected him. "Don't cry Frack...", Brian whispered into his ear and nuzzled his head up against his neck. Only then the tension slowly started to fall off of Nicks shoulders. He still sounded surprised though when he responded: "Brian?", and he looked it, too. Brian could see that in the moonlight when Nick turned around in his arms. For a moment Brian just looked at his Frack in silence, then he moved his hand to push a strand of golden hair out of his face. He had grown it longer again. "I hate it when you cry.", Brian protested and looked into those eyes, that he could just make out in the moonlight. For a moment Nick didn't say a thing, but after taking a deep breath he muttered in a low voice: "I know...", but then he sighed, "I can't help it though. I am scared Bri. Scared for you.", and as the tall blonde spoke those words he inched closer to Brian putting his head up right against his shoulder. The words hit hard. It was not what they said, but more the fact, that Brian didn't know anything he could say to make his Frack feel better. Things were too difficult to reassure him they would eventually be fine. Brian wasn't sure if they ever would be. After the silence gave Nick enough time to think he raised his voice again: "Why are you here Brian?", he sounded skeptical and by the mildly angered tone of his voice Brian noticed that he already knew the answer. So he said nothing and allowed Nick to speak on instead: "You wanted to run away, didn't you? Get the key and leave?", and then there were tears running down Fracks cheek again. Brian quickly reached a hand out to wipe them away. He shouldn't cry, he wasn't supposed to. Brian sighed, before speaking: "It's better that way Nick, I don't want to be a bother to you. These problems I have, they aren't easy to solve." - "I know they aren't but I will still help you. I can't let you go. I would never forgive myself if I did.", Nick sobbed and paused for a moment before he spoke on, "We will find a way... I will get you into a methadone program and you can live with me."
It was cute how caring his Frack was, but despite his enthusiasm Brian was still skeptical. He shook his head: "It wouldn't be right to push all my troubles onto you. I can't do that.", speaking those words he couldn't hold back on a deep sigh. Then something unexpected happened: Nick suddenly reached his arms around Brian's waist and pulled him closer. Whenever he did so in the past Brian knew what he wanted, but right now Nick wasn't aroused, he was just holding him in place. "Like it or not, but I won't let you run away.", he was looking deep into his eyes. The moonlight was not bright enough that it could have given their pupils the right colour, but still he somehow felt like he was drowning in a sea. "I still love you, you know?", when Nick spoke those words Brian blushed deeply, he could feel it by the warmth gathering in his cheek. After all those years, his emotions for Nick hadn't changed and yet it surprised him that the other felt the same way. He had thought that by now Nick would have found someone better to love. Someone to make him happy. He wanted Nick to be happy before anything else. "I... do love you as well. But I wouldn't be good for you.", he gave him his honest thoughts. "Not the way I am now. You can't have a relationship with a junkie.", he didn't refer to himself as that often. But he trusted Nick, so he felt he could reveal his true self to him. "Well... I don't plan to let you be a junkie. Please Bri, just give me a chance!", as his Frack was pleading with him, Brian wondered what kind of chance he meant. A chance to help him or chance to be his boyfriend again? Either way, Brian had never been able to withstand Nicks begging. He still couldn't, so he leaned in to plant a single kiss on his Fracks cheek, which was still wet from the tears he had cried. As he raised his voice again, he spoke as gentle as he could: "Alright... I give you a chance to try and help me. I... just don't want to sleep at your place. It would feel as if I was using you. I love you, but I don't know if I can be your boyfriend right now. I can try, but...", Brian paused for a moment as he thought about how to put it best, "I can't promise anything. It's better if I sleep at my place for the beginning." When his words caused Nick to sob again Brian winced, "No, no please don't cry. I'm not saying we won't get back together again. I... you can get me every day and then we work on things. I just... can't make any promises. Okay?", it felt weird to speak about his issues like this. Until he had found Nick this sad Brian had not even planned on changing anything. He knew those drugs were dangerous, but he was just living for himself. If he died he at least died while being on an amazing high. But seeing the guy he loved being so sad, just because of his addiction, changed the way he thought. Perhaps dying young was too much of a risk after all. It became clear to him, that he would break Nicks heart if he took no care of his own life. He couldn't do that.
"Okay...", his Frack finally spoke, "If you really don't want to sleep here I can't force you. But...", and he tried to find his eyes again, "I will bring you home and I will get you back here right in the morning. We will find you a spot in a methadone program and we will get you on the right path again.", as Nick detailed his plans Brian examined him. He couldn't really see his expression, but he could hear from the tone of his voice how certain his love was. Could it really be this easy? Brian doubted it, but he was willing to try, if it stopped Nick from being sad, so he nodded: "Alright.", was all he said then he moved out of the bed, reluctantly parting from the taller blonde, "Bring me home then.", and as he stood at the side of the bed he eyed Nick expectantly.
-
30 mins later:
"THIS is where you live?", Brian ducked his head a little as he heard the judgmental and shocked tone of Nicks voice, when they entered his shack. His Frack had parked the car a few corners away and they had made the last meters on foot. His shack was there as usual, right next to a few abandoned rail-tracks. In the past it had probably been used as some kind of tool shack, but now it had been empty until Brian had found it. The entrance was closed by a big sheet of metal. It was not really secure, because you could just push it away, but it at least kept the cold outside. Inside were all the belongings he had left: a blanket, a backpack, a cushion, a few cans of food, a bottle of water and the tiny book, where he listed all of his clients. "Yes, this is home.", Brian finally answered Nicks question in a small voice. His love seemed so shocked about this, he could read it in his expression. "When you said shack I thought it was actually a place you rented. I didn't know you were living on the streets.", his Frack spoke then paused as he turned around to face him, "Brian, you know I can't let you stay here!", he said and shook his head. "Yes, that is exactly what you CAN do. I won't sleep at your place and you said it yourself you can't force me to.", Brian could be pretty stubborn if he wanted to be and Nick noticed how determined he was to stay here. With a sigh the tall blonde gave up on protesting, knowing perfectly well he couldn't change Brian's mind now. "Alright but I'm gonna get you right in the morning!", Nick spoke and stared him down. All Brian could do was nod. Just like he wouldn't budge about sleeping here, his Frack wouldn't if it came to picking him up in the morning. It made no sense to fight about it. "Good, we will get you on the right track again, don't you worry!", there was a hope in Nicks voice, that Brian had long since lost. It was quite contagious, but he was wondering: "What do you mean with getting me on the right track? I mean yeah you mentioned the methadone program, but that's not all is it?", Brian looked into Nicks eyes when he asked that question and the taller blonde smiled in response: "Well you can still sing, can't you?", Brian nodded at Nicks question, who then spoke on: "So... I have a studio and everything. We will record an album together. You and me, some songs we sing together and others we sing solo." So that was the plan? Music? Brian had long given up on dreaming to ever become a successful musician again. The last time he had used his musical talent to make money, he had not really earned that much. However an album was something else, than playing his guitar, which since then he had sold, in a subway station. Perhaps the idea wasn't so bad. It would give him a chance to make things right and most of all it would give him something to do. As an enthusiastic smile found its way onto Nicks lips, Brian responded with a warm one on his own: "Sounds great. Yeah let's try that.", he nodded then walked towards the spot he was sleeping at.
Brian felt those blue eyes resting upon him, when he crawled beneath his blanket. "I want to sleep now, Nick. I'll be here tomorrow still, okay?", he addressed his Frack, hinting him to leave. For a moment the tall blonde hesitated. It was obvious he wasn't fully satisfied with the idea of letting him stay here. But after he had looked around in the room again he turned towards the front door. "Good night Brian.", he breathed his good bye. It was hard for him to let go and before he pushed the metal sheet back in front of the door he gifted Brian another warm smile, but then he was gone. When the door was closed and the sound of Nicks steps had vanished Brian sighed. Why was everything in his life always this difficult? And when he thought about it he remembered, that it had been him who had pushed Nick away. If he had just given him another chance, perhaps things would have turned out different then. Had he forgiven his Frack, he never would have had a reason to go out partying with AJ. Then he would have never come in contact with drugs either. It didn't make sense to dwell on things that could have been though. Things were as they were. He was an addict and now that Nick was gone, he didn't need to hold back on it anymore. Slowly he pushed his blanket away, then he reached for his backpack. One of his most important possessions it contained not only his clothes but also the pack of syringes he had acquired a few days ago. He needed another shot, another high. And so he pulled one of the heroin packs he had bought out of his jeans pocket. And so he started to prepare the heroin. And so he injected it. Finally he felt complete again.