He had been standing at the curtain for quite some time now staring out of the window and watching the scenes that unfolded down in front of the mansion. Brian was loading a car with his luggage and Kevin was there talking to him. He couldn't understand what they were saying, but he saw the oldest Backstreet Boy was pretty agitated and Nick couldn't blame him for that either.
Brian was just running away, that was nothing new, but this time it all seemed so much more final. More than that he was letting them down. Of course his voice wasn't alright, but he still was an important member of their group and Nick didn't even have the slightest idea, how they would explain Brian's departure to their fan-base. The fans didn't even know of Brian's vocal issues, so they weren't expecting anything in that direction.
Besides of that Nick also knew, that the real problem was much different. He didn't know how to feel about it yet, but he knew that Brian was attracted to him. The problem with Brian was, that he was a coward, afraid of handling that situation. It was perfectly clear to Nick, but still he didn't know what he could do or say to take that fear away. Brian had always been a coward and had always needed that push to stand up to his own problems. But this time he didn't want to be the one to run after him. He always had done that and always Brian had started running away again a few days later. His pride was hurt and this time it was Brian's turn to come to him.
While his fingers danced along the lace pattern of the curtain, his mind painted him pictures of playing with Brian's hair, back in the days when it was still kind of curly. He hadn't thought anything of it in that time, they had been friends. Had been. He wasn't even sure how he and Brian were standing to each other anymore. What he knew was, that the knots in his stomach were painful enough to draw a frown onto his face. As certain as he was about not changing his decision to let Brian go, he didn't know if it was really the right thing to do.
Sure he was too proud to keep running after Frick, but part of him was afraid that this would be the last time he saw him. Even though he wanted to believe, that Brian would be able to fight his own cowardice, he didn't really know what he would do if that wasn't the case.
'Don't worry I will always be at your side Frack.', Brian's words echoed in his mind, mocking him. He still remembered them after all those years. Once Nick had been the coward, too afraid to travel the world alone. Every night he had sobbed, because he had missed his home so much. But Brian had been there to hold him close, making sure that he was able to sleep. It had been an innocent and simple gesture of friendship, but to Nick it was one of the most important memories of his life.
And now it all seemed forgotten. Brian was a liar. The words he had said back then, now he was breaking them. And even if it was out of fear, it wasn't supposed to be that way. Maybe he didn't even remember. He had promised to be with him and now he was running away, leaving him alone. He felt betrayed and heartbroken.
A sudden knock at the door pulled him out of his thoughts. "Nick?", it was AJs voice, it was sounding shaky, as if he had been sobbing. "Come in.", Nick didn't want to move away from the curtain, he was still watching Brian and Kevin, who by now were shouting words at each other. He didn't pull his eyes away from them, but the sound of the door opening and the footsteps that followed alerted him of AJ coming closer.
"Why are you here, shouldn't you be down there with Brian?", Nick asked, his voice seemed kind of cold, but he really just wanted to be alone now. "I could ask you the same question.", Nick could hear how AJs voice was wavering at his response, he was still sobbing. "What should I do down there? He made his decision. I'm not the puppy who always runs after him.", he gave a frustrated sigh and let go of the curtain, turning around. "Why are you crying AJ? He isn't worth it, he's leaving us all alone, you should be fucking angry!“, he shouted at the older Backstreet Boy, who kind of let his shoulders hang at the reaction.
"He is our friend, Nick!", AJs voice was mirroring his irritation. "Maybe he is yours, but he obviously isn't mine.", Nick crossed his arms, no matter what the other man said, he simply didn't want to hear it. He had made his decision and his decision was final. "Anything else?", he lifted his chin challenging AJ to speak up again and for a moment it seemed like he would, but then he just shook his head and lifted a CD. "What is that?", AJ huffed at Nicks question. "So suddenly you care? Whatever... It's Brian's, I think you should have it. It's...", he wanted to speak on but Nick fell into his word: "What kinda bullshit is that?", he grabbed the CD out of AJs hand and threw it onto the blanket of his bed.
–--
It was early in the morning, the temperatures were still low and bearable and the birds were singing melodies from the trees. The day seemed so peaceful, a peace that was only broken by the voices shouting across the plaza in front of the mansion. “You can't seriously be thinking about leaving us?“, Kevin had come after him as he had left the mansion after breakfast and he seemed more than agitated. “I told you yesterday didn't I?“, Brian did not really want to discuss it at all. Right now he was determined to follow through with his promise of leaving them, but he knew he was not nearly certain enough of it to withstand a long discussion with his cousin.
“You got to be kidding me! You are really doing this?“, now his older cousin was storming towards him. “You can't leave! We still have appointments to do, duties to fulfill. You can't just simply quit!“, Brian had only seen Kevin as agitated once before in his life. That time when AJ was being a drunk shit. Back then his cousin had brought up the same voice and the same expression. It was hard not to get swayed by his objections, but Brian had known Kevin quite a bit longer than AJ. Standing up to his cousin was nothing he was doing for the first time. So he only huffed staring back at Kev “It's not for you to decide what I do with my life!“, he spoke and threw one of his bags into the back of the car. “Do you think this is easy for me?“, he questioned and sighed as he saw, that Kevin was still fuming with anger.
“You are being an egoistic prick. Have you ever thought about anybody else but of you? Have you one minute thought about how we are supposed to explain that to our fans?“, and carried by that anger Kev came close enough to grab Brian's arm, squeezing it tightly. “I have thought about nothing else but the band. I can't do this anymore.... I can't fucking sing... Can't you hear my voice?“, it was already cracking and failing again, and he wasn't even singing, just shouting.
"We would have found a solution!", obviously he was sharing the same false hopes Nick had for him. "Yeah, right. There is no other solution but the one I'm offering you now! So stop talking. I made my decision. I will leave and you can't stop me Kevin. Even if you shout so loud that the whole street will hear you. I will be leaving!", and with those words, he pulled his arm away from Kevin and threw the second bag into the back of the car. He had enough, he could have reminded Kevin, how he had been the one to leave the group behind before as well. But he was sick of it, he had enough of fighting and was sick of explaining himself. He just wanted to get home.
–--
"Please, just go AJ!", Nick didn't feel like talking to any of his bandmates. He just wanted to look out of his window again. He knew AJ had just meant it well, but right now standing here with him didn't help. So Nick was thankful, as the older guy simply accepted his wish and left the room. He was thankful, since he wasn't able to hold back his tears anymore. While he was angry, he also was sad and as his hands touched the curtain again he could see how the car was leaving. How his friend was leaving, that one guy, that had really known him. That one guy, that ever truly meant something to him.
And as the car vanished behind the trees in the distance, he felt a stinging pain inside of his chest. It felt like his heart was breaking into two and in that moment, he felt like he was falling. Deeper and deeper. The CD AJ had brought him, it was Brian's, he remembered it. Frick had made it for him, after Nick had told him his favorite bands. In their days traveling through Europe, far away from his home in Florida Nick had felt gloomy quite a lot. Sometimes he had even cried and playing music was one of the many methods Brian used to cheer him up. He had been really good in cheering him up in all those years and now it was so different. It hurt so much to have him leave like that, it felt like he was breaking. The pain was just too much and he couldn't help but sink onto his knees. It was as if he was loosing the ground under his feet. Wherever Brian was going, he was taking part of Nick with him.
–--
As he arrived at the airport he was exhausted. The road leading there had not been long and yet most of his energy had been drained from him through circumstances. Half of his journey Brian had been sobbing already. So he had decided to leave his band-mates behind, but he did not have any idea where his path would lead him. Where he was going nobody was waiting for him. Of course Brian had his parents in Kentucky, but he wasn't going there. He was heading to Georgia, where he lived alone in a much too big mansion. It was not the place he wanted to be right now, but it was were he was going. There had been a time, when he couldn't think of a more beautiful place to be. His home was where he had wanted to build a family of his own. All those big dreams he had, they were still present, but he realized now, that whenever he had dreamed them, they told a story about Nick being his partner. Nobody else had ever found a way to his heart, no man and most certainly not a woman. Secretly Brian had always known he was gay, but he had denied it for most of his life. He honestly did not have much time to think about it either. First there was school, then came Kevin's call and when Brian joined the Backstreet Boys they all had worked so hard. Everything on their minds had been connected to their career in one way or the other. There was no room to think about sexuality. Even when he was on stage and the girls were screaming their names, it was all business. It was not until his heart problems slowed them down, that Brian did have enough time to think about it. By then he had already fallen for Nick, even if that was hard to accept in the beginning. It was still hard to accept now, especially after his feelings had lead him to leave his career behind. Part of him just wanted to turn around, run back to the band and apologize, but he forced himself not to think about that.
His heart was aching, it was as if he had lost everything he ever cared about and it hit him hard. Brian knew, that he was feeling more depressed lately and at times when his mind was clear enough he noticed, that it was becoming a problem. In the days leading up to his departure he had found it increasingly hard to cheer himself up and he knew, that getting back to a home where he was all alone wouldn't really do him well. Being alone would make things worse, but at the same time he did not want to see anybody he knew. He didn't want to answer questions, not to his parents, not to his fans and most certainly not to journalists. So Georgia was the best idea for now. Would he stay there? Probably not, since dreams of Nick were painted on every furniture of that place, but for now it had to do. As Brian boarded the plane, part of him was already thinking about where to go to after he arrived.
---
As the taxi drove into the driveway of his mansion Brian was exhausted. He had spent hours on that plane, half of it crying, the rest of it thinking. For a while he had hoped to get some sleep, but he was much too agitated still to calm himself down enough. It proved to be quite difficult to keep his mind away from thinking about the future. He had made the choice to leave the Backstreet Boys now, but he really did not know what to do next. What did a singer with a vocal illness do, after leaving his band behind? Certainly doing anything entertainment related was no option for him. And yet the thought of moving to Los Angeles the city of Angels kept popping up in his mind. What better place in the world was there to escape anything really? That was the plan after all, leaving everything behind, his career, his fame, most of all memories of his forbidden love, perhaps even depression. If he did not want to go under, he had to move on, find something else he could fill his life with. Maybe he could finally start trying to live. There were so many things he had denied himself all those years, now he wanted to get them.
So while for now he entered his front door, he was already planning to move on. He couldn't stay here and that became even more evident, when the silence of this place gathered around him. Nobody else was in these halls, that were so large, filled with furniture, but still so empty. Once he had loved this place, now it made him feel small and useless. As he set his luggage down sadness came washing over him again. It was done, he had fled and now he was alone in halls much too big for one person alone. What had he done? Now he was standing here like a shadow, the hull of what he once used to be. He couldn't go back, he had made his choice and he had been so certain of it. He wasn't so certain anymore now.
Being away from what had been like a second family for the last 20 years felt so weird. But as he had left them, with all that pure emotion and chaos, he had burned the bridges behind him, so it seemed. Nothing he would say or do now would be able to make things right again. For the first time in his life he was truly and fully on his own, alone with all his pain. Suddenly there it was again, the dark shadow, that had been inching closer and closer for so long. Now it had him in its grasp. There was nobody here to rescue him from its claws and he didn't feel strong enough to fight it. Depression was a vile beast and it overwhelmed him now, much stronger than usual. When it came it brought all his self-doubts and hatred for everything he was with it. Really, what was left of him, but a caricature of his former self? He couldn't sing, he was no Backstreet Boy anymore and now he was all alone wandering the halls of his mansion.
As he reached his living room, he paused on his way, staring at the couch he had only bought a year ago. This was where he had wanted to sit with Nick, cuddle him when they played video games. He had denied having this thought, when he had first put it here, but there was no use in denying anymore. Everything here had been chosen with Nick in his mind. The television, where he wanted to watch movies with him, the stereo for which he had bought Nicks favorite music, even the basketball court next door, where he had wanted to play against him. It hurt so much now to look at it, when they weren't even friends anymore. When he looked around, everything seemed so tidy and in order, but in reality, his whole life was laying in pieces all around himself. Brian wasn't sure if he would ever be strong enough to pick them up, since an invisible force hold him in place. What he saw were webs of darkness. They were pulling him into their hold, their hug, so sweet and tempting. It was so easy to loose himself to those thoughts. They whistled a melody of things that had been, things that were and things that never would be. Such a devastating song that it threw him down onto the ground, onto his knees.
And then there were those thoughts again about all the things he had done wrong. Thoughts of self-hatred, that only had waited for their moment to consume him. How could he have been such a fool? At least he finally had gotten what he deserved. Nobody would ever love him again and he would be forever alone. Those thoughts were getting so vivid in his head that they nearly had faces. He had to do something. This was no good, he had to get out of this. "Stop!“, Brian threw his hands to the sides of his head. He already was kneeling on the ground but he made himself even smaller, when the thoughts suddenly gained voices. This was getting too much. When the voices started to morph into terrible laughter Brian grabbed his ears pressing onto them. "Go away!“, he shouted again and started to bob back and forth lightly. But his shadows did not do him the favor of leaving. They were after all figments of his memories mixed with his current thoughts. 'Coward, you're a coward, running away.', that voice sounded hauntingly similar to Nicks and it mirrored the words he had spoken. It had to stop. Brian didn't knew how he found the strength but finally he pushed himself up from the ground to achieve, what needed to be achieved. Two large steps and he was able to reach the curtains and pull them close, to give him back the safety of darkness, that he had sought out a lot recently. If only he had known how treacherous the darkness was. Darkness was nobody's friend, it could give you a cover, it could hide yourself and sometimes it could even give you comfort, but none of those things were given to Brian when he closed the curtains.
As soon as the darkness started to cover the room, he felt how his thoughts became more intense. He saw pictures of the past, of all he had lost. He saw the smile Nick had given, when 'We've Got It Going On', became a hit. Then he saw Nick when they reunited for the Never Gone Album. Finally he saw the day when they had played video games a few days ago. But when all that faded he saw different pictures, that started to get colour and shape. He remembered how after his heart surgery, he had awoken in his hospital room all alone, no sign of his friends. Then he remembered, that Nick had called him a coward, with anger in his eyes, like he had never seen in them before. Finally he also remembered once again, how much of a coward he was.
'You're alone...', the voices whispered into his ear and it felt like they were breaking him. What broke him, was the fact, that they were right. Nobody was here and nobody would come. He was alone and his only friend was the darkness, that covered him like a blanket. Suddenly there was silence again, so loud it was deafening. He couldn't see, he couldn't hear, he wasn't even sure if he could still feel or smell. He felt as if he was sitting in a gap, between reality and the world his shadows had created for him. A safe haven to recover from the exhaustion he came from and the exhaustion that lay ahead. Nobody would find him here, since nobody was looking for him. This void made him feel so empty. Why should he strife on? Why was he not just ending it, right here and right now?
He knew the answer and it was bittersweet, since it was the same reason, that made Nick angry with him: "I'm a coward.", he whispered to himself. Just as he had spoken those two words his dark thoughts came back to him 'They never really loved you anyway, none of them. Why would anybody ever love you?' It was a good question, what was there to like about him? The things he had liked about himself were all gone. Maybe those thoughts were true. Maybe he was just looking at his life through the broken mirror in front of his eyes. If that was the case, then it would be his task to look through the shards, to find the path, he had to walk. "Maybe it's true. Nobody does love me.“, he whispered as an answer. Thinking about it, he wasn't sure if he had ever really been loved by anyone. He never even had loved himself.