The scent of coffee woke him from his slumber, woke him into a place he did not quite recognize at first. This place was so bright and the bed felt so comfy. Slowly he turned pulling the pillow just a little be closer. It smelled so fresh, fresher than anything he had laid in, in those last few weeks. Being a drug addict he never really had found any time left to clean up behind himself, so this was a welcome change, but where was he? As he opened his eyes just a little bit more he noticed the room was illuminated with sunlight and everything it shined upon was shining back in intense whiteness. It was so bright that it nearly blinded him until his eyes started to get used to being open. Then it dawned upon him where he was as the events of the prior night were put together piece by piece.
This was Nicks place. "Good morning sunshine.", and that was Nicks voice. It came from a place closer than expected. Surprised Brian pulled himself into a sitting position. The words came from right next to him on the bed. For a moment Brian was alarmed, but as he turned his head to look at his friend he relaxed quickly. No, nobody was touching him or doing anything inappropriate. Nick was only sitting next to him on the edge of the bed holding a tray carrying a plate with some waffles and a cup possibly filled with the coffee he smelled. "Morning.", he muttered back still with a certain degree of sleepiness in his voice. "I made you breakfast, I hope you like my waffles.", as Nick placed the tray down next to him Brian had time to examine him. His friend looked really tired, like he had not slept in an eternity. The dark circles under his eyes were betraying him and it came to no surprise, that he yawned a moment later.
"Thanks...", Brian started the sentence and took the fork to get himself a bite of the breakfast so lovingly made by the younger man, "Did you have anything to eat, yet? You look tired." As he took the first bite of the waffle he looked to Nick, who just gave him half a smile: "Don't worry about me I ate. I didn't sleep but I ate.", it was not like the blonde was complaining but Brian felt kind of bad about it still. "I'm sorry for being such an inconvenience. I really am." He hesitated with the second bite, but Nick just shook his head and sighed: "Brian.", he paused looking him over before he continued, "You got some major issues, that's true. But, and I want you to remember that, it does not bother me to take care of you. It's only natural that I do. I mean you are special to me.", his expression was rather stern at those words. Special. What was that supposed to mean? After taking another bite Brian eyed Nick skeptically. Of course he had not forgotten, that he had told him before, that he loved him, kind of at least. So Nick saying he was special was only confusing, especially after they had argued when he departed. "What do you mean?", he just had to ask it, had to understand the reason, why Nick did even care what was up with him.
Silence followed and for a moment Brian thought the other man was trying to ignore his question, but then he sighed again, this time deeper. A moment later he finally seemed to have found an answer: "I don't know...", or perhaps he had not, "Right now it is important to get you healthy. We can talk about emotions later." The hold Brian was having on the fork got firmer the moment Nick was trying to just push the question away, he shook his head, "No, I want to know. Last time I saw you in London I thought you hated me and now you say I'm special? That's confusing. I know what I said to you and I know what I feel for you, but I don't know what you think about it.", it surprised him how easy it was to speak those words now. How it had seemed like such a terribly hard thing to do half a year ago, when now he had no trouble at all to put Nick in the spotlight.
Perhaps he just didn't care anymore, he had given up on his life and was still sure he would die soon. So if Nick didn't love him back, it did not matter anyway. Since his friend took some time to come up with an answer Brian did have the time to examine him again. He really did look tired, but despite that all his features were still a beautiful as always. That blonde hair, that had grown a bit longer since he had seen him in London, that clean-shaved wonderful face and those blue eyes. For Brian Nick looked just as he always had imagined an angel to look like. Right now in a way he was one, since he was his light that had taken him away from a dark place. He hoped the words he was about to speak wouldn't put that light out: "Well. I don't know what I would call the emotion I feel for you. That's the honest truth. Only thing I know is that I feel a lot for you. I want you to be well and I hate seeing you like this. I don't know if that is love, but I most certainly do not want to miss you again.", he could see the pain on Nicks face as he spoke, but that expression soon changed as he seemed to get a sudden realization "Maybe... maybe I do love you. But right now that hurts. It hurts because I am afraid that you will leave me, like you did before, but this time forever."
Brian widened his eyes, he had not expected that. That confession of loving him as well it made him feel warmth in his heart, that was still destroyed by what he had been through. He was surprised and happy that Nick felt that way, but he also felt sad and guilty because he was so worried. It was strange how you could be happy and sad at the same time, but right now he couldn't describe what he was feeling in any other way.
"I will never leave you.", he just had to say something to make Nick feel better. "You say that now, but you said that before you left me the first time as well.", there was bitterness in that voice and once again Brian was reminded of the year in which he ignored Nick. Sometimes he truly wished he could turn back time, just like he had been singing all those years. But he could not, he could only try not to repeat the same mistakes. It sounded so easy and yet he was aware, that he could make no promises. Even now as he was having breakfast his mind was planning for a way to get out, so he would get his next pack of K, coke or even alcohol. Despite hearing what he had wanted to hear so long, the priority on his mind was drugs and he noticed that. It made him sigh and as much as he would have loved to assure Nick, that he would stay this time it would have been a lie. So instead he apologized for the past: "I'm so sorry that I ever did leave you. I was so stupid, so egocentric. When you went solo all I thought about is you abandoning us, when in fact it became me who abandoned you.", those were his true feelings, but he couldn't quite read Nicks reaction. It was something between sadness and anger "It's in the past. You can't change that and I know you regret it. But the last half year you did the same shit. You ignored me.", he frowned deeply and stared at him, "You ignored all my calls. Why did you not take them? I'm so sorry that I was cold to you when you departed, but did I not have the right to be angry, when you treated me the way you did then?", he huffed and looked kind of desperate: "If you had just once talked to me, maybe... just maybe it would have never gotten this far.", he made a gesture presenting Brian's body, but he was looking down towards the plate of waffles, "How could you take drugs? Just explain that to me, how?"
Those words Brian understood them all, what they meant and also the emotions they carried. He was very well aware, that he had once again had messed it all up, but he wanted to explain his reasoning: "I know, I know and I'm sorry. I fucked it up again. I should have taken your call, but I was so depressed. I wanted to die... I didn't want to be a bother to you or any of the others anymore. And look at me now. Look at what I've become. Am I not a bother to you now? And you don't even know half of it...", Nicks expression got warmer at his explanation, but as soon as he had finished his sentence Brian felt like he had said too much. The things he didn't tell Nick, they had been locked away, but by mentioning them the door that held them at bay swung open. There he was again, the man with the lion mask, there was the laughter and there was the pain of being abused. The man had punched him, kicked him, raped him. Violent pictures shot into his mind and where he had just been talking, he now started to breath heavily, panic written in his eyes. All of a sudden he felt like he was falling and loosing his grip on reality and all he could do to hold onto it was to grab his blanket as firm as he could.
-
It didn't take long for Nick to realize that something was off. Damn, he shouldn't have pushed Bri much. What he was seeing was a full-blown panic attack and immediately his instinct kicked in. Disregarding the coffee that stood in-between them Nick made a swift motion forward to pull Brian into a hug. It didn't matter, that it resulted in the cup falling over or that the bed got wet because of it. What mattered now was, that he needed to comfort Bri. "Shh... everything is alright... we... we can work it out.", he tried to calm him down, but Brian immediately tried to pull away from him, "Let me go, let me go! I-I can't breathe." And after managing to push Nick off of him he jumped from the bed. Brian was breathing heavily and he was crying. Tears were running down his face and he was shivering, "I... just can't stay here. I can't... I can't handle this. I need.... Kate. Nick please give me Ketamine, please, oh please."
-
He needed his escape from reality and he needed it now. The pictures in his mind were becoming more vivid by the second. As he looked down to Nick, who was still sitting on the bed, he hoped so dearly, that he would understand and just give him his drug. However it soon became obvious that he would not, even before he raised his voice again. "Brian I need you to calm down.", was he mocking him? How could he calm down, when that masked face was hunting him. And then Nick was standing up trying to get closer again. He meant it well, but it only made things worse: "No stop!", but it was too late, when he looked at Nick he didn't see his friends face anymore for it had warped into the lion-mask. All of the colour left his face as he stared: "No, don't touch me. Let me go! Don't hurt me again! I'm not your toy!", he shouted now. Reality became something far away as the room he was in warped into the room in Unity. Now he would be hurt again, mocked again, abused again. As he felt like he was in a situation he couldn't escape he let himself fall to the ground, where he stayed motionless.
-
The confusion Nick felt as he witnessed Brian's more than strange behavior was replaced by horror, when he heard the sentence he spoke. That was the last puzzle piece that he needed. While he had expected it before, he had simply refused to accept it. But now it was clear as day. Brian did not want to be touched, he was scared whenever he came close, he had bruises all over his body, some in the shape of hand-prints and now he was having some kind of flashback telling whoever he saw not to hurt him again. Now it all made sense, it wasn't good it was terrible, but now he could understand the way Brian acted. He didn't know what to do about it though and the realization how much hurt his Frick had been through hit Nick hard. As Brian laid down motionless on the ground he felt tears starting to run down his cheek. They were both crying now. What should he do?
Brian was so scared of being touched and yet hugging him was the only idea Nick had to help him. Perhaps he would feel better if he only noticed, that he would not be hurt by his touch. So despite half of his instincts telling him not to do it, he laid down next to Brian and put one arm around him. He twitched and cried, but he did not defend, not even as Nick nuzzled up against his neck. "Shh... it's alright, I'm here Bri. Don't be afraid.", he spoke those words gently as he spooned Brian. And as another idea came to his mind he started to hum the melody of Siberia. That song, it had always been Bris favorite and Nicks plan had been to calm him down with it. At first it did not seem to work, but as he reached the chorus Nick noticed how Brian suddenly started humming along as the tension fell off his body. It was strange, he never had noticed how truly sad this song was until now, that they hummed it.
-
When the song was over Brian was calmer than before. As the taller blonde had laid down next to him he had still been stuck in a nightmare with the man in the lion-mask. At first the tight hug that followed had made him afraid to be hurt again, but then he had heard the song. Nick had been smart to use music, which was the one path that lead directly to his heart. That way he had been able to push all his fears away and pull him back to reality. There was nothing to fear here. Nobody in this room wanted to hurt him. The only person that was here with him was Nick and even though he was holding him tightly, he was not trying to use him. This did not feel bad, this felt good. And as they stopped humming Siberia he heard a soft whisper against his ear: "Yes I love you stupid. Please let me help you." and Brian could not keep himself from sobbing. Where had he lost his path?
"I Love you too.", he heard himself speak and then they were crying in unison again as sadness and happiness once again clashed with each other.