I’m not sure how long I sat there on the floor crying for all I was worth. Somehow I managed to notice two strong arms wrap around me in the middle of my breakdown. I recognized Kevin’s watch and collapsed back into the familiar arms that always held me while I cried.
The tears were still wetting my cheeks as they continued to fall. Even though the tears still fell I felt better knowing he was there with me, holding me. He rocked us back and forth and tightened his grip around my waist. He always rocked me when I was upset in an attempt to calm me down.
I tried to get myself under control but failed miserably. After awhile though my body wore out and there were no more tears to cry. Kevin held me tighter and rubbed slow, smooth circles on my tummy.
Why couldn’t Alex be more like Kevin I wondered? This was not the first time I asked myself this. I asked myself the same question after every time Alex broke my heart and Kevin tried to help me fix it. I desperately longed for Alex to act more like Kevin.
It seemed like that’s all I ever did.
Wish.
I wished I had a boyfriend who loved and cared about me, not one who made me feel so unpretty. I wished Alex treated me better. I wished Kevin loved me the way I’d always fantasized about.
So many things I wished for and not one of them ever came true. I would give everything up with Alex at the snap of a finger if I knew that Kevin would love me.
Even before I got with Alex I wished Kevin would love me. No one knew of my hidden feelings towards my older band mate. No one even suspected that I felt more than brotherly affection for the older man. It was hard sometimes to keep my emotions in check while Kevin tried to comfort me. It killed me when he was comforting me, but I knew he couldn’t take away the one feeling that ate me alive sometimes.
I know I shouldn’t be with Alex. He was mentally and physically abusive.
The guys didn’t know he hit me though. That’s something I’ve never even shared with Kevin.
It’s my own dark secret.
I find ways to hide the bruises Alex leaves. I’ll wear long sleeves when he hits my upper body and baggy pants when he hurts me below my waist. I wear extra stage makeup when he bruises my face and avoid everyone till the bruise goes away.
I’m not sure why I stay with him. I guess it’s because I’m scared of being alone. If I’m all by myself my feelings for Kevin will eat me alive. Sometimes the pain form Alex’s abuse doesn’t hurt as bad as the pain of not being loved by Kevin. I don’t know why I just don’t tell the guys that Alex hits me. I protect him, because I know Kevin would kill him if he ever found out. Brian would give him a bible or something. When I fight back against Alex things just get worse so I’ve learned just to take it while he’s there and cry when he’s gone.
I hate that I’m so weak, but I don’t know how to be strong on my own.