How could they have lost it? This was so wrong. This couldn't be justice, it was not just to them. Lou had betrayed them. It had been about a year ago, when Brian found out. It was not really hard to do so either. With them selling out arenas and selling millions of records it just didn't add up. How could they be that successful, but at the same time still have problems paying off their cars? They were Grade-A-celebrities but they hardly made any money. Money. It wasn't the reason Brian did his job, but still it was not right to be underpaid. Here they were working their asses off, not getting paid what they deserved, while their managers, Lou in particular were sitting in their offices getting rich. That wasn't justice. When he found out, he had given Pearlman plenty of chances to change. He had pleaded with him, even begged to make things right. Alas he had not.
What other choice did he have then? If he wanted to make things right himself, all he could do was to sue the man. It hurt, because Pearlman had acted like a father figure to all of them ever since he had founded the group. But after Lou made zero effort to make things right Brian had filed an open lawsuit. He wasn't happy about it, neither was the group. When Brian had told them, Kevin and Howie had accused him of being egoistic. Said that his actions were gonna break up the group. Brian had stood his ground. Their accusations had been wrong, that was not his goal. He was doing it for them just as much as for himself. They had argued about it, long hours that he didn't like to remember, but in the end he had been able to convince them. When his band-mates joined his lawsuit earlier in 1998, he had been so sure that nothing could go wrong anymore. But now it did.
All of the colour had left his face, when he had first read the letter earlier. 'Not guilty', those two words had burned themselves into his mind. How could anyone declare Lou Pearlman as not guilty? He was guilty, he had been using them to become rich, while they did all the hard work. How could anybody have not seen that? After he had read the letter, Brian had needed to sit down for a while. When he realized what this all meant for them, he felt overwhelmed. Not only would they never get the millions of dollars, he owed them. No it also meant, that Lou now had the right to do with their brand, whatever he wanted. He owned the name 'Backstreet Boys', he owned the equipment they used on tour, he owned the music they made, everything. Lou had threatened before, that he could end their career, just like he started it and Brian had no doubt, that he would now attempt to do exactly that. - A few days later Brian's fears became reality. They were on their first tour in the US. After so many years of hard work, they finally were being played on radio in their home country. 'Quit Playing Games' had hit the number 1 spot in the US billboard charts. Finally they should have been able to break in the country they grew up in. But now that Lou had won the lawsuit all that was in jeopardy. Worse even, as Brian realized that morning, Pearlman had already started to make their life difficult.
"What do you mean, he took our stuff?", Brian looked shocked, when Kevin came into his hotel room to explain what just had happened. A huge truck had come to their concert venue and had gathered all their equipment. The microphones, the stage decoration, their stage outfits, everything. He didn't want to believe it, but Kevin's words were pretty clear as he raised his voice again: "Yes, they took our stuff Brian. All of it. Lou did that. And you know why!" His cousin seemed pretty agitated, but what shocked Brian more, was the fact that he was directing that anger at him, staring him down. "You just had to do it again, right? Couldn't just stay silent? You had to make problems, like you always do.", the taller man came closer to Brian and pointed his finger at him in a manner of rage. Brian gasped: "What are you saying, Kev? You're not blaming me for it, are you? I only did what was right for the group!", he tried to defend himself, but his cousin only narrowed his eyebrows: "And what gives you the idea, that you can decide what's right for the group? How presumptuous can one single man be?", Kevin paused for a moment to let out a frustrated growl, but then he spoke on, "You're a fucking egoist, you always have been. It's all your fault. Had you not filed that lawsuit, we wouldn't be having those problems now. I told you then. Shouldn't have let you convince me. God, how could I be this stupid?" Those words hurt, did Kevin really think like that about him? An egoist? Did he really think, he only cared about himself? He had done it for them, too. He wanted justice for all of them. And yet in a way his cousin was right, it was his fault. Had he not filed the lawsuit, they wouldn't have lost it. Then Lou would not have been able to take their equipment. Brian ducked lightly, before Kevin continued to speak again: "Now you are silent, eh? Wow, that I see that day. The day where Brian Littrell for once keeps his mouth shut. It's too late now though. You already have done the damage Bri. It is only thanks to you. You destroyed our band." His cousins face was painted with anger as he shot those words at him. While he did he pushed his index finger onto his chest, pressing it in there, not far above where the scar from his surgery was.
Brian was at a loss of words. The amount of anger and hate spilling out of Kevin's eyes cut deep. He first could feel it in his stomach, but the anguish soon traveled up to his throat, where it stayed in a lump. Tears were gathering in his eyes as well, but Brian was too proud to let them fall. So he closed his eyes for a moment and gulped down his sadness. It hurt so much to loose a friend like that and Brian had no doubt that this was exactly what was happening, but he couldn't allow himself to cry. It was hard though. When he opened his eyes Kevin was still staring at him, he hadn't moved a single bit. Brian finally spoke: "I did nothing of the sort Kev. Lou destroyed Backstreet Boys, not me. Can't you see what is happening? He's accomplishing his goal in tearing us..." - "Oh, shut it Brian. Just shut it! Lou build us up, it's only fair he got some of our money. Even the court said so. That's just how the business works. You should have known so too.", Kevin interrupted him, but let the finger that was still digging into Brian's chest fall. "Perhaps it would have been better if you died in hospital.", that struck hard. With those words spoken it felt as if Kevin was slamming a knife right into his chest. Even worse, he twisted that knife and pressed onto it. This was too much. The cruelty and coldness of that statement was painful and he simply couldn't hold back on the tears any longer.
Not that Kevin noticed his sobbing. After speaking those words he had turned around to step away. As he left the room he slammed the door behind himself, leaving Brian standing alone, wondering. Had this room always been this cold? Had it always been this dark? He gasped for air, as he felt his throat tightening. It was as if someone was pulling a rope close around his neck. He couldn't breath. The world started spinning and he couldn't breath. In panic Brian brought his hand up to his throat, but it didn't help. It still felt, that no matter how strongly he gasped none of the oxygen made its way to his lungs. What was happening? - Nick was frustrated. This night should have been amazing. Their first real concert in Florida. The first time he could have performed all their new songs in front of an audience not only from his home country, but also from his home state. And now he couldn't. With their equipment gone like that, there was simply no way, they could perform in a huge arena. Sure, they could have done A Cappella songs. However nobody but the front row would have been able to hear them like that. It sucked. Nick was pissed at those men taking their stuff away, but he was even more pissed about Lou. How could he have done that to them? Had he not always said they were family? Who did something like that to their own family? So what was supposed to be the best day ever, had pretty quickly turned into a disaster.
Everybody was angry. When they became aware of what was happening all of them had reacted differently. AJ in his rage had attempted to destroy, whatever piece of equipment he could get a hand on. Only Kevin's quick reaction had stopped that from happening. Not, that Kevin was any less angry. He had hold firmly onto AJ, but Nick had seen the anger, that was flaring in his eyes. Howie on the other hand, had seemed devastated and silent. Of all of them, he had been the one whose shock had been the most obvious. Nick had been looking for Brian, but he had been the only one who had not arrived yet. Still Nick knew how much all of this would hurt his Frick, when he would tell him.
For a while they had stayed at the concert venue, debating what they could do. And when Kevin had left, Nick had thought he went to speak with whoever was in charge of taking away their stuff. Had he known what his actual goal was, he would have stopped him. But he did not. So he stayed with Howie and AJ for a while, as they stared at the crew, that was gathering their equipment.
After a while he had not been able to watch it any longer. It was not like there was anything they could have done. When he had realized, that their show wouldn't be happening, Nick headed back to the hotel and back to the room he was sharing with Brian. "You won't believe what that asshole did!", Nick spoke while he pushed through the door unaware of what was waiting on the other side.
Then he froze.
As he opened the door he right away noticed something was off. He could hear it: frantic gasps for air mixed with whimpering. A second later he saw where that sound came from. His Frick was kneeling on the floor holding his throat. He was having a panic attack. As soon as Nick realized that he hurried over to the man he loved and pulled him up against his chest. "Babe, you have to calm down.", he told him trying to sound as soothing as possible. That was a hard thing to accomplish, when his boyfriend was in a state like that. Nick was worried and it didn't help, that Brian was looking up into his eyes now. Those blues, they were full of desperation but also sadness. He had cried. What had happened? Why was he so sad? There was no time to think about it long, because Brian was still hyperventilating: "Shhhh... try to breath calmly.", and he put the flat palm of his right hand onto Brian's chest, trying to apply pressure to help him breath out and releasing that pressure to help him breath in. It was not like Nick knew what he was doing, he was just acting out of instinct. Surprisingly it seemed to work. It took some time, but after a while Brian's breathing calmed down a lot. "That's right, just like that.", Nick affirmed him and gave him a smile. A second later the tension fell off of Brian's body and he allowed his weight to drop against Nicks chest fully. He was exhausted and his eyes fell close.
What had happened to put him in this state? Nick gently let his fingers trail through the curls of Brian's hair as he wondered about that question. Not willing to ask it yet he placed a single kiss behind his lover's earlobe. It was a loving gesture, he had done many times before, but this time it caused Brian to tense up. Something was not right. "You don't hate me?", when Brian asked that question, Nick only got more confused. "Why would I hate you? I love you stupid.", gently he wiped a few tears away from Brian's cheek. He hated to see him crying. But what bothered him even more was, that he really didn't know what Frick was talking about. How could anybody hate him? "Because... I destroyed the band...", Brian answered with a small voice. So small, that he barely even heard it. "What? Don't say stuff like that, babe. That's bullshit!", he protested shaking his head firmly and pulling him a bit tighter up against him. Where did that thought come from? "Kev... thinks I did... He... he told me.", those words cause his lover to sob again, creating more tears. So Kevin went here? Nick gasped. How could he say things like that to Brian? "Kevin was just angry, he didn't mean it.", Nick spoke, deeming this to be the only reason Kev would say something like that. "No, he meant it Nick. You should have seen his eyes. And he...", Brian stopped in his words for a moment, seemingly unsure. "What, babe? What did he do?", Nick needed to know and he tried to turn Brian around lightly, so he could look at his face. Usually he enjoyed that a lot too, but right now, the eyes that met his were so full of sadness, that his heart started to ache. "He said that it would have been better if I died in hospital.", Brian spoke with an unsettling calmness. His voice was devoid of any emotion and sounded so empty. It was obvious how hurt his Frick was by Kevin's words and he couldn't really blame him. Nick himself felt pretty shocked at the words the oldest in their group had decided to throw at his own cousin. It made him angry to think about it. How could he have been so hateful? "Fuck him...", Nick muttered, the words escaping his mouth before he could think about it. He hated Kevin right now for saying what he had, "Fuck him, Brian! Who is he to say things like that? Does he even know you?", his voice got louder the more he spoke, "You are the kindest most caring person I know. You didn't destroy the band, Lou did. And the rest Kev said to you. I say it again: Fuck him!", Nick huffed, "I hate that you had to hear something like that! What an asshole, man.", he shook his head then let go of Brian only to move, so he could kneel down in front of him. "Forget that stuff he said. Please.", and he looked deeply into Brian's eyes, trying to drive his point home. "I love you, okay?" - Brian didn't know what to think. The words Kevin had spoken were still ringing in his ear. Even though Nick wanted him to forget about them, he couldn't do that so easily. Kev was his cousin, he used to have his back all throughout his life. To hear him speak the words he had spoken earlier, made Brian feel as if a part of him was dying. He had lost someone today, someone that was important to him. While Nick tried the best to cheer him up, he couldn't manage to make him forget. All he could do was to distract him from the sadness. After his boyfriend had said those three words Brian felt his cheeks being cupped on both sides by Nicks hands. He was holding onto him and leaned closer to put a gentle kiss onto his cheek. It was still wet from when the tears had fallen moments ago. "I love you forever and ever. Don't cry anymore, okay?, Nicks words were so soft, his touch so gentle. For a moment Brian gave himself to that feeling of closeness. His heart was beating all the way up to this throat. Perhaps Nick couldn't fix things with Kevin, but he still made him feel better. Brian gasped lightly as he tried to hold back his tears in order to meet Nicks request. How could he deny him? His heart didn't have the capability to deny Nick anything. Too strong was the love they shared. "You are beautiful!", he had to state the obvious cause it was a thought so big, he couldn't keep it inside. And Nick really was what he said. His pale skin, those red lips, the blue eyes and the golden strands of hair he loved so much. And how cute he looked when he blushed lightly at the compliment. Nick had always been so shy. In moments like this Brian became aware, that his boyfriend was truly the youngest of the group. It made him want to protect him, take him in his arms and never let him go. Hug him tightly, kiss him, touch him. Oh how badly he wanted to touch him. And then he just did, pressing one hand against the back of Nicks head, pulling him closer. A moment later their lips touched and Brian closed his eyes. He was loosing himself to Nick, whose love was finally able to push his worries away. They probably would be back sooner or later, but that didn't matter right now. All that mattered now was the moment he shared with his Frack. Soon their tongues met and started to dance to the melody of passion. Brian savored every moment of it as he trailed the hand from Nicks head down to the small curve on his back, pulling him up against his body. When this lead to his boyfriend releasing a moan, Brian couldn't help but smile into the kiss. A moment later he pulled away from it. He wanted to look at his lover, his beautiful angel. Soon he met Nicks gaze, looking at him with eyes full of love.
And as their eyes met Brian realized, that as long as Nick was by his side, he would survive everything.