The way Brian's death changed things was strange to see. All those people that had come to the funeral, they hadn't even cared for Brian. Some hadn't been there for him in years. It was sad to know, that those people who should have celebrated him when he was alive, hadn't done it. Now they were here to mourn his death.
Even Brian's parents had come. That was strange, because his Frick had broken contact with them when he had started seeing Nick. They had never approved of their relationship, had kind of shunned Brian for who he loved. Now they were here. His whole family had at one point disappointed Brian. His parents and also Kevin who had brought them along today. Kevin who had not spoken to Brian since 1998. The things he had said to his younger cousin then, they still were on Nicks mind. He was fuming when he replayed that day in his head. The panic attack Brian had after Kevin had wished him dead was burned into his memory for all eternity. It had been a shocking sight for Nick. And now it seemed as if Kevin s wish of Brian dying had finally been granted. At least he seemed properly devastated about it when he approached Nick to speak. He had cried the whole time since they had buried Brian. Too late.
"Nick... I just wanted you to know how sorry I am.", Kevin spoke with a deep and solemn voice. Those words made a shiver run along Nicks spine all throughout his body.
It made him huff to hear the older man speak that way. Nick didn't want to hear him apologize. It seemed so fake. And yet he stayed, eyeing the older man with cool eyes, lips pulled to a line.
He stayed silent and Kevin spoke on: "I know he was your life. I know you loved him so much. It's so sad...", he sighed and was about to speak on when Nick couldn't take it anymore an interrupted him, "How nice of you.", his words were as cold as they could be. "It is sad yes. Just as sad as you being here, after the last thing you told him was you wished he was dead." He stared into Kevin s eyes, scrutinizing him and lifting his chin lightly when to his satisfaction he saw him turning away to avoid his look.
The silence that followed was so thick, that it felt as if he could touch it. Then there were tears again running along the older mans cheek.
"I know...", Kevin sobbed and brought one hand up to rub across his eyes, "I know and I regret it. You can't believe how MUCH I regret it. I did for years.", he said with his voice getting smaller in the end.
"And yet you said what you did. And yet you never called him to apologize.", Nick responded telling him exactly what he thought about his late apology.
He hated Kevin for the things he had said and still seeing him as devastated like this didn't feel right either.
"I should have. I know. But I was so angry for so long and when the anger faded I didn't know what to say.", Kev kept crying as he spoke those words.
Tears were painting his face with sadness. It was such true emotion radiating from the older man, that it finally softened Nicks expression. He believed him. Kevin truly was sorry and the longer he thought about it, the more he realized, that Brian would have wanted him to forgive.
So Nick put a hand on Kevin's shoulder: "What you said was wrong. It hurt your cousin, made him cry and panic. You should have seen him that day, Kev.", Nick spoke, then paused for a moment to sigh. When he spoke on he made sure to sound warmer, "But I forgive you. I know Brian would have as well." With those words spoken he pulled his hand back again.
It was what had needed to be said and yet Nick knew, that Kevin most of all needed to forgive himself. He couldn't help him with that, nor did he want to. Even though he was trying to forgive him, it felt too hard to see him now. So he walked away from him. Away from Kevin and away from all the other guests. All the way to his room.
He wanted to be alone, wanted to see nobody. None of them could understand what he was feeling, cause none of them was there. Brian could have needed them when he was still alive. It hurt so much to think about it. How lonely must he have been? As he stepped through the door leading into his room, he finally allowed his tears to fall. It was so unfair. Why did it happen to Brian? He never had hurt anybody. His heart had been golden. Why?
Slowly Nick approached his bed and the nightstand. There was a framed picture on there. One Brian and him had taken a few years ago, when he was still healthy. With a shivering hand he reached for it, taking it up and pulling it closer to him. It didn't feel real. How could Brian be dead, when it felt as if he could walk through the door any moment? Walk in, come close, hug him. Nick could just picture him, with the world brightest smile on his face. It had taken so long to get him there, enabling him to be happy again. They nearly had reached that goal. So why did he die now?
It made no sense either. He knew Brian had still been addicted to his drug, but he had tried his best to take less. It had been hard, but his therapy had been so close. How did he get so much heroin anyway?
In the end Brian had not owned a lot anymore: a few clothes, some things to eat, a book. Nick had gathered it all up, had taken it with him. The one thing he had not taken was a huge plastic bag of Brian's favorite drug, that had been laying somewhat close to his body. It had been shocking to see how much of that stuff his boyfriend had owned. He must have taken a large amount of it and still the bag was filled more than halfway. Something about it all seemed to be off.
Nick was just starting to think about it, when a sudden knock on the door caught his attention. "Come In.", Nick spoke with a sigh and turned to face whoever decided to come and look for him. As the door opened slowly Nick tilted his head to the side. Black hair, beard, sunglasses indoors. It only took a second for Nick to recognize his former band-mate. The man at the door was AJ.
"Nick. I have to speak to you.", Alex voice sounded devastated and meek, it was not the kind of tone he was known for. Something about the way he spoke, something about the way he was standing caught Nicks his attention. Nick didn't respond with words, but he nodded inviting the other to talk.
Before he did, AJ took a deep breath: "It's about Brian. I mean, about me and him." Nick raised an eyebrow. Just like Kevin AJ had abandoned Brian, was he trying to get forgiveness out of him? What made those men think, that he was the one to give it?
He frowned lightly as he raised his voice to respond: "Aje... You, Kev, Howie. None of you were there for Brian. And now you come to me to ask for forgiveness? I can't give that to you. You...", he wanted to speak on but AJ shook his head and interrupted him, "Please Nick, let me talk. I have to talk about it. Did you know about Brian and me?", he paused before clarifying his statement, "About the time he and me were lovers?"
Lovers? Nick gasped. What was AJ talking about? Brian had told him he had spent time with Alex for a while, but lovers? Curious about what the older man had to say Nick walked a little closer to him.
"What do you mean Aje?", he couldn't help the sting of jealousy he felt in his heart and it showed as anger in his expression. When AJ spoke on Nick took a deep breath to calm himself. "Well... I have to say he never really loved me. He just loved you.", speaking those word Alex looked at him as if he was trying to drive a point home. When Nick sighed in response he just continued: "But you see. I loved him. I loved him since way back when we released We've Got It Going On. I.. I still do.", AJs voice broke as he started to cry, but Nick looked mostly shocked at the revelation.
"Loved him?", his question was short, since he knew the story wasn't over.
"Yes, I loved him so much. He was the most beautiful and most kind person I knew. I loved him for all he was. And for a while I thought he might feel the same. He did not though. No, he did not.", he rubbed a few tears away from underneath his sunglasses, before he spoke on, "When I realized that he was just thinking of you whenever he touched or kissed me it broke my heart. That's... that's why I pulled away from him. That's why I didn't talk to him anymore. I had to, so I could protect myself."
Nick raised his head lightly looking at the man standing before him. He wasn't sure what to feel. On one hand he was jealous, hearing about the fact, that Brian had kissed and touched Alex. On the other hand he felt compassion for the other man. If what he said was true, then he could understand why he stayed away from Bri.
So his voice was soft as he answered: "Don't worry about it. I understand. I probably would have done the same. So sorry, that you had to go through that.", he slowly reached a hand out towards AJ, trying to touch him to give him some support, but AJ pulled away from him.
"That's not the problem! You don't know what I did!", he said with a voice filled with regrets and guilt. Nick froze on the spot: "What did you do?", he asked somehow feeling tense all of a sudden. Whatever AJ had done, it seemed like it was nothing good.
"Oh Nick. I am at fault.", Alex stated looking into his eyes, "I was the one who gave him E. He didn't want to take it and I begged him. I begged until I was able to persuade him. And then he took it regularly and I didn't stop him. I encouraged it and took it myself. As we kept taking it I even introduced him to my dealer.", he paused for a moment then looked right into Nicks eyes, "I'm at fault for him taking drugs."
As the words hit Nick it felt as if the world around him stood still for a second. He did what? Breathing in sharply he flared his nostrils. Nick had always wondered how it could have gotten that far and now AJ just revealed it. He was at fault, he was at fault that Brian had started to fall. If it had not been for him, then he would never have taken heroin. Then he might still be alive today.
With a sudden outburst of rage Nick closed the gap between him and AJ. Then he just jumped him. He wasted no time to throw him to the ground, raising his fist and slamming it down onto his face.
"You BASTARD!", he shouted as his fist connected with AJs cheek, causing him to moan up in pain. How could he have done that? Persuading a friend to take drugs? It didn't make sense to Nick. You didn't do those things to people you loved.
As he felt like rage was consuming him he kept throwing his fists at the other mans face. Not even as blood started to run from his nose and lips did he stop. No, when he saw the red he shoved AJ onto the ground. Alex didn't stop him. He didn't do anything. He just accepted the fact, that he was being beaten up right now. It was as if he had expected it. As if he had known it would come. Perhaps he even wanted it. Perhaps he felt he needed to be punished for what he had done to Brian. He wasn't defending.
As Alex collided with the ground, Nick noticed his passiveness. The blonde was breathing heavily, still burning with rage, but he was trying to hold back. If AJ wanted this, he wouldn't give him the pleasure. He couldn't be the one to take away his guilt by beating him up.
A snarl escaped his lips, when he stared the older man down: "Why did you do it Aje?", he asked his question, even though he didn't know if he wanted to know the answer. He just had to ask something to stop himself from beating the other up further. When AJ responded he was crying badly: "I... I don't know. I just... I didn't think. I wanted to have fun, so I got me Ecstasy. And it felt so good Nick. It felt so fucking good.", he gasped and shook his head lightly before speaking on, "And Brian was so down at that time, it was after you and him had split up. I wanted to help him get happy again. I wanted to make him forget you. I shouldn't have done it." The last sentence made Nick huff. Could have, should have, would have. He heard entirely too much of that today.
With another angry snort he turned around and walked away from AJ towards the window. As he reached it he locked his eyes on the pond outside, before he spoke: "You shouldn't have. But you did Aje, you pushed him into the abyss. You!", he fell silent for a moment as he noticed, that his tears started to fall again. Gently he wiped them away. Then he continued: "If you want my forgiveness. I can't give it to you. Not for that. And I can't help you forgive yourself either.", he shook his head, but kept staring at the pond. "He's dead, AJ. Dead. The only person I... ever.. lov..", he couldn't speak on as the tears took him over.
Nick fell into uncontrollable sobbing and he reached out for the curtain to have something to hold onto. That pain it was unbearable. He had lost him, his other piece. Without him he wasn't complete anymore. Nobody could ever replace Brian. Nobody. His heart would forever stay broken. All that lay in his future was loneliness. And there was nothing he could do. As he gave himself to tears and sadness like that he didn't notice that AJ stepped up behind him. Not until the smaller man put his arms around his waist to pull him into a hug. He was trying to comfort him and as much as Nick was angry with him, he really did need that.
"I'm so sorry Nick. I'm so sorry.", AJ blubbered out. He was still crying as well and his sobs joined the melody Nicks sadness created. The blonde couldn't hear that anymore so he turned around to hug AJ back. The bearded man was still bleeding from his nose and his lips. The wounds weren't terribly bad, but Nick noticed them anyway. He couldn't forgive AJ, but he didn't want to hate him either. Nick knew how much the older man regretted what he had done and how much he blamed himself for Brians death. It wasn't his fault. Of course he had been the one to introduce him to substances, but he had not been the one that put the needle into Brians vein. Gently Nick patted AJs back: "It doesn't make sense Aje. I left for the tour. I should have taken him along, but he didn't want to come. And you know how stubborn he could be.", Nick sighed as he spoke, "But I wrote him every day. He responded, too. Only in short sentences, but he did. I was trying to keep him going, cause his therapy was only a week away.", he explained just needing to tell the story to someone. AJ listened when Nick spoke on, "I should have known something was off when he stopped responding and I DID feel kind of strange about it. But I tried to ignore it, since I was planning to get back home on the weekend. Only when I did it was too late. He was already dead.", another sob escaped Nicks throat, before he finished the story, "But something is not right Aje. Brian didn't have any money. But I found a huge bag of heroin with him. I... wonder if he sold his body again. But he had promised me not to." Nick could see AJ widening his eyes as he realized what his words had meant. Nobody of his band-mates had known that Brian had worked as a prostitute. Of course it was a shock. But it didn't matter now and as AJ became aware of that, he squeezed Nick tighter in his hug, before gently pulling away.
"What else did you find at the scene?", Alex finally asked trying to help Nick to come up with an explanation. The younger man sighed again and walked towards his bed onto which he had put Brians stuff. He had unpacked the backpack. There was a heap of unused syringes, still in their package, a heap of clothing and a small book. Nick gestured at Brians stuff and AJ looked it over, wincing as he saw the needles. Then the older man took the book in his hand. "Did you look at it?", Alex asked as he opened the first page. Nick shook his head: "I didn't know if I should. I mean it could be his diary and... it just didn't feel right.", he sighed but looked at AJ curiously, especially when he widened his eyes.
"Na Nick, that's no diary. It's a business book. He wrote down his clients.", the older man spoke and moved closer to Nick again handing him the book.
It was true as Nick looked across the lines he frowned. There were names, descriptions, prizes. He gasped when he noticed how many men there were. Some of them had names, like Adam. Others were just described. It was shocking to read it all. And yet he couldn't help a sad chuckled. It was so typical for Brian to do bookkeeping like that. He had been such a left-brainer. Quickly Nick scanned the lines for anything odd, flipping the pages slowly. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until he reached the final page. As he did sickness immediately took a hold of him making his stomach turn. There was one name on that page, written in thick and clear letters. Brian's last customer. Lou Pearlman.
All colour faded from Nicks face as he shoved the book back to AJ: "Look at it! AJ!", he nearly screamed then shook his head. He couldn't believe it. "Brian's last customer. It was LOU!"
As rage took a hold of him he started pacing through the room. What did that mean? Brian had hated Lou, he would have never done anything with him. Not as long as he had his free will. Nick knew that. Lou must have done something to make him comply. Nick had not liked his manager for such a long time, but now he hated him. "Nick it says he paid him with a huge bag of heroin. Brian writes 'at least 20 doses'.", Alex told him as he looked at that page. When he snarled Nick noticed his friend was angry as well.
"That's probably the bag I found. And the date... it was two days before I found him.", Nick added as the puzzle finally showed a picture. "AJ! Lou must have forced him to do that. Brian hated him. He would have NEVER done that, if he had not been forced. And then... Lou paid him with the drugs that killed him.", and he fell silent for a moment as he realized something else, "Bri wanted to forget. He tried to forget and he gave himself to heroin for that. He took so much, cause he was desperate to wipe the pictures from his mind. Oh... Bri.", Nick let himself drop to the bed as he started sobbing again, putting his hands in front of his eyes. AJ was still shocked, but he kept staring at the book as if looking at it would change anything. "Nick, you know we have evidence here. Evidence that could bring Lou to jail.", he tried to cheer Nick up, but it didn't help much.
"No... that's no option. That slimy bastard will just get away again. Just like he did when Brian sued him.", it sounded like he was giving up, but what he didn't tell AJ was the plan that was shaping up in his mind. He couldn't tell him. What he planned to do, he needed to do alone.
Alone. That was what he needed to be. AJ was at a loss of words anyhow.
So with a sigh Nick pulled his hands away from his eyes and looked at the older man instead: "AJ, I need to think. Please leave me alone.", he gestured at the door as he spoke. For a moment AJ hesitated, but then he nodded. After putting the book down onto the bed again, he started to leave. "Oh and Aje!", Nick called after him, "Don't tell anybody about this!", he demanded.
For a while the smaller man looked at him silently. He was seemingly thinking and it took some time. Finally he seemed to come to the conclusion that the request was fair and nodded. A second later he had left the room. With his friend gone Nick could be alone with his thoughts again. Thinking about what happened to Brian made disgust rise up in his stomach. Lou had done this. He was at fault for Brians death. Lou who had been his manager for so many years now. Nick felt his whole body shudder, when he thought about the things that man had done to Brian. His Frick had listed all of it in his little book. Kissing, Touching, Blowjob, Anal Sex. The language was much too formal to describe it. It wasn't true either, what Lou had done was nothing of that. What Lou had done was abuse. Nick was certain of that.
Thoughtfully Nick rose from the bed. He knew what he had to do. Slowly he walked over to his wardrobe, which contained his safe. Quickly he put the numbers into the keypad. There was no other way. And as the door swung open Nick reached for his gun. Taking it out and pulling it to his chest. Lou had to pay. And Nick knew justice wouldn't come to him, if he didn't make it himself.