Love was an interesting thing. Brian had always thought that it was pretty clear-cut what it meant, but being with AJ had changed that. When the younger man had first confessed his emotions to him, he had not known how to react. For a while he had just stared at the other, trying to come up with the words to say. It had surprised him. Never in all those years had he realized, that AJ felt anything for him. Alex had been very good in keeping his emotions secret. So when Brian heard him speak those three words it had overwhelmed him. Memories of Nick had shot into his mind, but he quickly became aware how unfair that was. He couldn't compare one man to the other and he didn't want to hurt AJ. That was the important thing, trying to keep the other from hurting. And who was he to say, he couldn't love Alex back? At the moment he had not felt like he loved him, but he had been willing to try. It couldn't be so hard to fall in love with him. The younger man was giving him his very best. So how could he have just pushed him away? That would have been mean and it would have hurt somebody he cared about. And who could say if he didn't love him already? Perhaps it was normal to feel different about AJ, than about Nick. Perhaps what he was feeling for Alex was just another kind of love, but still love. So in the end he had smiled. 'I love you, too.', he had spoken and thus started something new and beautiful.
Ever since that day AJ and him had been an item and it had been exciting times. Becoming lovers didn't mean, that their life slowed down any. They still went out nearly every night. Went to clubs and bars and all kinds of interesting places. One time AJ had decided to take him to a gay bar. It was a completely new experience for him. Exciting and new, very inspiring. The sex they had that night had been phenomenal. That was another thing he learned about AJ. He really was into kinky stuff, much more so than Nick. While Nick loved his dominance, he had never brought toys into their game, like Alex did. He had paddles, collars, even whips and he wanted Brian to use them on him. At first he had hesitated, cause it didn't really feel like him, but when AJ had begged him, half-naked and more than ready, there was no way he could have denied it. It hadn't been too bad either, just something new. And new things were what AJ was about, not only if it came to sex.
When they had first tried Ecstasy, Brian had been worried about it. But the way the drug made him feel was so accelerating, that he wanted to try it again. What did it matter if he would get addicted to something, that made him feel so good? And if it shortened his life, so what? At least it would be an amazing life then. Nobody could say if things would turn out badly, either. There was a chance he could take drugs and still live a long life. There were plenty of examples of this out in the world, even in the clubs they visited. Fifty year old druggies, that still enjoyed their life immensely: Partying, having fun. It was a future, that didn't seem all that scary to him. So he had pushed away all his worries. He was sure drugs wouldn't kill him, they only would increase his fun.
At first AJ and him had stayed with Ecstasy, giving themselves to the intensity the drug provided, but as time went on the buzz that drug gave them got smaller and shorter. Some day E just wasn't enough anymore. They both had felt it that day, their bodies were shivering, longing for something to fill their desire for a kick. AJ had been the one to suggest, they would try something new and then he had introduced Brian to the dealer. No names were given, just a number on a piece of paper, that made its way into Brian's pocket. When they asked for a new kick, he had sold them cocaine. Different to E, coke didn't come as a pill. You couldn't just throw it into your mouth to feed the hunger, you had to snort it through your nose. Had they not been desperate for new pleasure, that thought might have scared them off. But their bodies were screaming for substance. AJ had been the first to try using a dollar note, just like their dealer had explained he should do. It went surprisingly well and quick, but Alex still had to hold back not to sneeze after he was done. Brian followed his example not willing to give up on being on the same level as his lover. It didn't take long for the stuff to kick in and boy was it something. If someone had asked him to describe it, then he would have said cocaine was like Ecstasy just way stronger. Of course E had also brought hallucinations with it, that were missing with the coke, but other than that it was having a similar effect. It was like the best thing ever. That night they first danced for hours, then fucked with a never before seen wildness. All the while, they were not aware of the exhaustion, their bodies surely had to go through, because they didn't feel it. The stuff was just so great, that they knew it would not be the last time they took it.
Over the following months they had done E and coke, but they also experimented with other stuff. Whenever they felt like it, they went to their dealer to ask for something new. By the time the spring of 2000 came along it felt like they had tried all drugs that humanity ever came up with. A new Millennium had arrived and it had changed their lives completely. No longer were they the proper and good pop-stars, they had been two years ago. Now they were party animals, wild and free, not bound by any obligations. It felt like such a beautiful life, that they didn't miss anything. Of course there were worries about what would happen when their savings were gone. The drug consumption over the last months had lead to their finances constantly dwindling. But that was part of what made these substances so great. When you took them, you forgot about all your worries: money and anything else. Their life was great and nothing could change it. At least so they thought. Then June came.
Things started out as usual that night. AJ came over to his place in the evening, dressed for the night that was about to come. When Brian looked at him he had to smirk, it was cute how he was so in love with him. He just couldn't stop trying to kiss him. First on the lips then on the cheeks and on the neck. He didn't stop until Brian gently pushed him away: "Later...", he spoke and gave the younger man a smile. They had to go and party first, the loving came after. AJ wanted to protest, but Brian just sighed and took him by the wrist. "We gotta get to the club, hurry.", it might have sounded pretty cold, but he needed to be direct. He was feeling that longing again, he needed to get a kick, do some coke, perhaps some Ecstasy with it. Brian had not decided yet, the only thing he was sure about, was that he would take something. His lovers body was already shivering as well, he could notice that when he was holding onto his arm. They had to get something, quickly.
When they came to the club, that was the first thing they did: finding their dealer. Luckily there were only a few spots where he could be. They found him quickly and got some coke and E. After they consumed it they made their way back to the pop-floor. As usual at this time of the day, they had turned on a TV screen. It was showing music videos to the songs, that were blaring out of the clubs sound system. A long time ago, one of the first times they had been here, Brian had seen them playing 'Quit Playing Games'. AJ and him had decided to flee the scene at that moment. He didn't want to know, what would have happened if any of the guests had recognized them. They probably would have needed to explain themselves and that was nothing he wanted to do. In a way Brian was thankful, that their song had long since left the charts. People were not playing them anymore. By now Backstreet Boys truly were history. There were other bands, that were rocking the world now: Spice Girls, All Saints, The Offspring and many more. He would have lied, if he had said, that he wouldn't have enjoyed still being popular. If they had been able to release that album, they had been planning, he had no doubt they would still up there with the Greats. They even had picked a name for it already: Millennium. But when Lou won the lawsuit, their dream had ended. But dwelling on it didn't help and only made him sad. They had moved on by now, their former pop career was not important anymore. And yet he couldn't forget, even less so, when fate played a trick on him. "You might been hurt, babe. That ain't no lie. You've seen them all come and go, oh. I remember you told me, that it made you believe in no man, no cry..." That voice. Suddenly it came right into his ear out of the boxes. This was NSync, this was Nick. Brian immediately stopped his dancing. Right now it didn't matter, that the drugs in his body pushed him to dance. His eyes were drawn to the TV screen. There he was: his angel. He was so beautiful, his voice so much stronger, than he remembered it. He looked good and healthy, happy even. "Nick..", it escaped his mouth. Why was hearing his ex-lover all that it took to have his world crashing down? All those memories he had long pushed away, they suddenly were shooting back into his head. Those lips that were singing that song, he had once kissed them. As he started to loose himself in the pictures playing in his mind, he didn't notice that AJ was reaching out to grab him by the shoulder. Only when the younger man pulled him backwards and twirled him around, he found a way back to reality. "Brian! Don't look!", AJ's expression was serious as he pulled him up against his chest. But even when he wasn't looking, he still could hear Nicks voice.
"Baby, when you finally. Get to love somebody. Guess what, It's gonna be me."
Those words, it was as if he was singing them directly to him.
-
He had seen it, the way Brian had looked when he heard Nick sing. The sparkle that had been in his eyes. AJ had not known, that something had been missing between them until he saw it. Brian had never looked at him like that. Not with that much love in his eyes. This couldn't be true. It couldn't be, that the man he loved was still infatuated with Nick. He had sworn to him, that he was the only one. That he had moved on from Nick, forgotten about him. And now, with that reaction. He couldn't allow it. He had to do something.
-
Suddenly AJ huffed. A moment later he started to pull Brian out of the club. "Where we going, AJ?", Brian felt so confused. AJ didn't answer, he only dragged him along until they reached his truck. When he turned around Brian saw a confusing mix of emotions in his expression. There was worry, anger and sadness, but he was also smiling. What was this about? "Babe... you are beautiful, do you know that?", speaking those words AJ let go of his wrist and lead the hand up to touch his cheek instead. It was still confusing: "Why are we out here now, Aje? I wanna dance...", it was no lie, the coke made him want to move, it was difficult to keep his feet still. AJ sighed, looking down for a second before meeting his eyes again: "You love me babe, don't you? Please tell me you love me." Of course he loved AJ, what was this question about? "I love you.", Brian spoke, still confused. Why would he ask that?
When AJ smiled, Brian felt oddly relieved. Perhaps they could go back to the dance floor now. He already wanted to turn around when AJ grabbed his wrist again, pulling him close. "Show me you love me!", that was new. Alex had begged before, but he never ordered him around. Brian raised an eyebrow. Was that what he wanted now? He thought Alex liked to be dominated. Perhaps he had been wrong. The confused expression made its way back onto Brian's face and it didn't vanish when AJ closed the last space left between them. A second later the younger man had grabbed him by the waist and started to grind up against him. "AJ!", Brian said in an attempt to snap him out of it, "Calm down." Something about this didn't feel right. AJ stopped moving, but suddenly there were tears in his eyes. In instinct Brian reached out a hand to wipe them away. When he touched AJ's face, the younger man looked desperate and raised his voice: "Please, Brian. I need you to make love to me now. Please.", so now he was begging again? What had gotten into him? And what should he do? He hated to see AJ like this. He couldn't stand him crying. So he took a deep breath, pulled away from his lover and opened the door to the truck: "Alright.", he agreed to his request, then grabbed for AJ's wrist forcefully pulling him until he was standing in front of him. Then with a strong push he got the younger man inside of the truck onto the backseat.
As he climbed onto Alex, straddling him, he stared down into his eyes. His actions made no sense. They were gonna have sex later, after dancing. Why was he so needy all of a sudden? And why did he cry? And he looked so sad too. Nick had never looked as sad, when he wanted to have sex. Brian felt frustrated that he didn't understand and frowned as he looked down to AJ. He wasn't supposed to cry. How could he make him feel better? Feeling unsure what to do he just stared at his lover for a while. Alex liked his dominance. Perhaps that was the answer. Taking another deep breath Brian grabbed the thin tank top AJ was wearing and ripped it off of his body. Not wasting any time he just threw that shirt away and leaned in to plant a trail of kisses on AJs chest. Was this right? Brian still was frowning even though AJ gasped when he felt his kisses moving downward.
This all felt so strange, the drug was pumping through his body, AJ was crying, this was going much too slow and he didn't even feel aroused. Suddenly he felt anger rising from his stomach and he growled, pulling away from planting kisses, just to stare at AJ again. What did he want? Why did he act like that? Nick had never been so confusing. He always had known, what his Frack wanted. How beautiful he had sounded in that song. That voice, he had heard how much it had matured. He wondered if he would sound different now when he moaned too. Brian still remembered how high-pitched Nick moans had been. That blonde bundle of chaos had been able to drive him wild solely by that. Even thinking of it made Brian grow hard. He could use that. AJ needed it.
-
Perhaps he had worried too much. At first laying below Brian like that had felt weird. He was so different today, not at all carried by lust. AJ could see how confused he was, but how should he explain to him, that he was jealous of Nick. Scared that their love perhaps wasn't true. Brian would have denied that and he probably would have become angry as well. For some reason he had even seen anger in his eyes just a second ago. All his worries vanished, though, when he felt his lovers hard cock rub up against his leg. So he lusted for him after all. Somehow AJ felt relieved.
-
Finally Alex expression changed. So he really wanted to have sex? He couldn't help but smirk, that just letting the younger man feel his hard cock could make him feel better. Why were all the men he loved always so needy? Nick had been the same, becoming aroused, whenever Brian only did so much as touch him. It had been really quite something and had enchanted him quite a lot. His blonde angel had loved it, when he took control too. Nick enjoyed it when Brian spun him around. Thinking about it, he did just that with AJ, already reaching for the lube, they had wisely put into the net on the back of the drivers seat. When he had it in his hand he put the tube down right next to him. More memories flooded his mind. The times he had been with Nick, he had enjoyed it when the younger man had prepared them with the lube. It had felt so hot to have his Frack rubbing his cock, with the sticky substance only so he could fuck him good. Brian hummed when he thought about that.
Lost in his thoughts he pulled AJ's pants and boxers down in one swift motion. "Brian...", the younger man moaned his name. It sounded so different to Nicks voice, much deeper, less innocent. When Nick had moaned his name it had made his whole body tingle. He wanted to remember that voice instead. Before he could even think he had raised his voice: "Shut up!", and brought one hand forward to press it in front of AJ's mouth. He didn't want him to speak. He wanted to think of Nick. This would only work if he dreamed of making love to his Frack. As he felt AJ moan against his hand Brian closed his eyes, blindly grabbing for the lube. He used it, rubbing it on his cock in a trained motion.
Thinking of his former lover was working. With AJ finally silent, he could completely sink into his dream of Nick. He was laying under him right now, waiting to be loved by him. Only by him since he was his. Brian groaned at that thought and pushed himself into the man below him. It still was AJ, but he was thinking of Nick. It felt so good to finally sleep with him again. Too bad, the blonde hair had been cut, else he could have hold onto it. Like this he could only hold him by the waist. He was so beautiful still and he got him so wild. Brian couldn't wait any longer and he couldn't be gentle. He had to fuck him and so he started to thrust, slowly at first, but he soon increased the speed.
Memories of Nicks moans got very audible in his head, he truly was here, wasn't he? Making love with him felt so good. How he had missed it. As he kept thrusting faster and faster more moans escaped his throat. It wouldn't take long until he would come. He was so very close. And when the man below him suddenly tensed his body tightening it around his cock, he couldn't take it any longer. "Nick!", he moaned out as he came, collapsing right away on top of him.
For a moment there was silence, nothing happened and Brian was still lost in his dream. Then all of a sudden he felt pain from his right hand. When AJ bit him he pulled Brian back to reality and made him gasp. In shock Brian pulled the hand away from Alex's mouth and sat up again.
"You prick!", he heard AJ call, even before he turned his body to face him again. "You fucking asshole!", he was crying again and pulled away from him, dragging his legs free from below him until he was kneeling next to him. It took a moment, but when Brian realized what had just happened he gasped: "AJ... I...", he didn't know what to say, but Alex did not give him the time to speak either, "Fuck you Brian! I thought you loved me. I thought you did!", as he spoke he quickly put his pants back on. His whole body was shaking. "But I do love you...", Brian protested trying to reach out to him. AJ slapped his hand away, "Stop lying and get away from me.", he paused for a moment, then opened the cars door on his side moving out of the truck. "You never loved me... I didn't want to believe it, but I know it now. You never loved me the way I love you." he sounded hurt and as he was done speaking he sobbed deeply. "You're a fucking prick!", and suddenly anger mixed with the sadness in AJ's voice as he shouted at him. A second later he had turned around and was running away, crying. "No, AJ! Stop!", Brian called out to him, but it was too late, he was gone.
What had he done? He felt so bad. This was not what he had wanted. He never had wanted to break AJ's heart like that. Had the love he felt truly been wrong? He thought about it for a while. When he realized all that AJ had said was true, he felt a sharp pain in his heart. It was true, he realized that now. That love he had felt for Alex had been the love for a friend he cared deeply about, not the love for a lover. As he realized, that he had lied to himself to make himself believe, that he loved AJ more than that he gasped. That meant he had used him. He had told himself, he had wanted to make his younger friend happy, but Brian realized now, that he only had wanted to make himself happy. It had been so hard to forget Nick, he had used AJ to be a distraction and now even that had failed. Not even pretending to be in a relationship with Alex had been enough to make him forget Nick. And in the process he had hurt another person he truly cared about. What kind of monster was he? Now he was all alone, nobody left to turn to, but it was his own fault. AJ had not deserved this and yet he had put him through it.