1998 - Post Surgery Today was the day. Nick was sitting on the side of the bed impatiently looking at the door. He was excited and yet nervous. Really, today was the day. The day he had spent three months waiting for. Today was the day Brian would be coming back. Those last few months and especially the weeks before that had been terrifying for Nick. He had been scared for Brian's life, ever since his boyfriend had admitted to having an issue with his heart. Of course the older man had tried to calm Nick down, saying it was nothing to worry about, just a tiny little hole that needed to be fixed. But despite everything he had said Nick hadn't been able to keep his fear at bay. The simple thought, that there had been a chance for his boyfriend to die, had made him unable to sleep for days. And how angry he had been, when Brian had accepted managements demands of postponing surgery only to keep their tour and their momentum going. It had taken months and months in which Nick had been constantly nagging, for Brian to finally decide, that there could be no more postponing. In May had been his surgery. That had been three months ago. Three long months in that Nick had not seen him or heard of him. He had missed him so much, he had even called him and had sent him SMS, but there had been no response. And that silence was the source of Nicks nervousness. Why did he not respond? Whatever would occur, today was the day, where he would find out. Everything was planned. Like the fact, that they shared their room again. It had become common practice over the last year, but still Nick had annoyed management to make absolutely certain, that Brian would be his room-mate. He needed him to be. He wanted to be the first to welcome him back. For that he had prepared something as well. He actually had baked something. For the first time in his life he had made muffins, which he had lovingly decorated with sugar hearts. They were standing on the nightstand right now, next to the candles he had lit in celebration of Brian's return. The only thing that was missing now was the person that had caused him to make all this: his beloved boyfriend.
Nick wasn't sure when exactly he would come. If he was honest he had expected him to be here an hour ago, but knowing himself he probably only had been impatient. A problem that made time go a lot slower than it could. At the beginning he had tried to distract himself playing Gameboy, but he was so nervous, that he could not really concentrate on the game. So the console had been put to the side. And ever since he had been staring at the door, bumping his feet back and forth with his heels colliding against the bed-frame. He was expecting Brian to come here soon. He was expecting him and yet he hold his breath, when he actually heard sounds coming from the hallway behind the door. Finally he had arrived and a second later, the room to their hotel room opened.
There he was the love of his life. The man his heart had been longing for in those months he had not seen him. As soon as he saw Brian, dressed in a red over-sized pullover and in jeans, Nick jumped up from where he was sitting and ran over to him. When he came close enough he threw his arms around him and pulled him into a hug. "Brian.", just saying his name filled Nick with a gentle warmth, he had missed him so much. But it took only a second for him to realize something was wrong.
Here he was holding onto his boyfriend, hugging him, trying to give him love. And yet, there was no reaction. Brian just kept standing there, tense and stiff, he didn't hug him back, nor did he speak, he just stood there frozen. As Nick noticed that he made a step backwards, raising his voice as he started to examine the older man: "Everything alright?" Nothing was really, Nick could see that by the way Brian looked or rather, how he didn't look. Usually when they met, there had been that fire in his eyes, happiness and love. And now? He carefully examined him, but even though he thought he saw love, it was buried below layers and layers of sadness and there was something else. Anger perhaps or pain. He couldn't quite place it, not even as Brian spoke: "Nick, what is all this?", he gestured towards the room and Nick noticed, that his eyes focused on the plate of muffins for a second. "You playing again now? Acting as if you love me so much?", there it was Nick could hear it in Brian's words: frustration. "But I do love you Brian.", he protested, hearing his lovers words put the facts into doubts. "Do you?", now he stared at him, his eyes were sparkling. Usually that meant something good, but this time, those sparkles were filled with anger. Inevitably Nick ducked his head, he had never seen his boyfriend as angry before. As Brian spoke again, the words hit him like a hammer: "If you love me so much, why did you not visit me once then? Don't lie to me. I hate being lied to."
So that was what it was about? It hurt to hear Brian say it. Still there was truth in his words. Nick had not gone to the hospital, he had been too afraid. What did you say to someone who was about to have an open heart surgery? Everything will be fine? How could he have said that, when he had been so afraid, that Brian could have died. And then there was another thing. It had been silly, but he had not wanted to see Brian weak. He had not wanted to remember him like that. If he had died, he wanted to remember him at his strongest. But hearing and seeing Brian now, he realized how wrong his decision had been. In a way Nick had abandoned him, when he needed him the most, he saw that now. How had he not seen that before? Why had he not thought about it? It must have been so lonely in hospital. How could he have turned his back on the one he loved? Brian was still looking into his eyes, obviously trying to look for an answer to the words he had spoken. For a while he had to, cause Nick couldn't find any proper excuse for not visiting him. There was none and only as the taller blonde finally realized that he spoke: "I was afraid. I know that's no excuse, but I didn't know how to handle it." Even though his words were honest, Nick didn't feel that they were enough. Neither did Brian, who huffed, then gave a slight chuckle shaking his head. Despite that sound there was no happiness in his expression only disappointment and sadness. Then he spoke: "Didn't know how to handle it? You know. I needed you. This one time... this one single time I needed you and you were not there." Those words hurt, they made Nick feel guilty, made his stomach turn, but Brian wasn't even done speaking: "Did you know, that the doctors found another hole? It could have killed me, it really could have. I could have died, without seeing the person I love one last time. Because yes Nick I do love you. I still do. But you hurt me. You hurt me so much." And then he cried. Just like that tears started to take shape in the corner of his eyes only to run down his face. Brian cried. He never ever had believed to see that happening, not in front of him. And before Nick realized it, he was crying as well, triggered by the words and triggered by his lovers emotions. What could he do? There were no words that could make it right.
Once again he felt helpless, but as he did, he realized how much more helpless his love must have felt in hospital. So he stepped up closer to him again. That was the only way he knew how to act. He had to hug him, hold him close, perhaps he could make him feel better just a little. And as he put his arms around the smaller man, this time Brian actually leaned into it. This was the first time he ever had done that, to be the one to be hold and not the one that was holding. In that moment Nick for the first time saw, that Brian was not strong all the time. For the first time he realized, that there were things, that could even hurt him. In that moment the tall blonde realized, just how much Brian needed him as well and all of a sudden he felt protective of him. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I really am. I swear I will never abandon you again. I won't." and he leaned back a little to try and look into Brian's eyes. As he caught them, he still looked sad: "I... hope you keep your promise.", well if Bri spoke about hope things were not totally lost. That was enough to make Nick smile again.
"Now please stop crying... you can't cry before trying my muffins.... In fact I hope you don't cry after either. I made them for you.", he tried to cheer him up by changing the topic, as he took him by the hand and pulled him along towards the nightstand. "See I even put tiny hearts on them.", Nick said and took one of the small cakes and hold it out to Brian. When he took it he smiled, even though it was a pressed smile. Still it was something. It was much nicer to see his lover happy, than sad. He loved the way he lightly closed his eyes when he gave his widest of smiles and he loved the lines it drew on his face. Right now he was far away from that kind of smile, but he still hoped to see it again soon. Brian had the most beautiful smile he had ever seen, he couldn't stand the idea of loosing it. "Are you sure I can eat it without needing to fear to go to the hospital again?", now it seemed like he was already joking again. Where things forgotten now? For some reason Nick didn't think so. Despite the joke and the portrayed happiness that followed something in the hospital had changed Brian. He couldn't put his finger on what it was, but something was lingering inside of his boyfriend. He had to hold back on frowning as he realized that. Right now, they had to at least try to be happy. "No poison in my muffins! Go on try them!", and he took Brian by the hand holding the sweet to bring it up to his lips.
When he bit into it he looked skeptical, but after a moment his expression got softer: "Alright Nicky, you'll become a proper housewife some day after all. Now the next time I want some coffee with it.", with those words Brian smirked quite confidently. Perhaps everything was going to be fine after all. Perhaps he had been wrong about that change he had seen before? He was not and he soon realized that as Brian's smile faded again and he sighed. It was an obvious and sudden change and then his boyfriend walked over to put the muffin down again. "Nick, this doesn't feel right!", with those words spoken he turned back to face him. "I appreciate you making this and all. But... it...", he sighed, "I can't just act, as if nothing has happened. I can't play happy family with you, now."
And as he walked back over to the bags he had left standing by the door, Nick knew what he was trying to say. "I need time. I'm gonna get me my own room.", and once again Brian's words were painful for Nick. He wanted to leave him alone? Get his own room? What did that mean for them? "Brian... please...", Nick called to him. This couldn't be. But Brian didn't respond, he opened the door and was about to leave. "Please Brian. I love you, this can't be the end. Please stay.", he was downright begging him now, stumbling over his words, but still there was no response. When Brian left through the door and closed it behind him Nick felt a sharp pain in his heart. Was that how it felt when it broke in two? This couldn't be the end and yet it felt so very much like it. How had it ended this way? It felt so hard to understand it and yet the longer he thought about it, the more he thought it was his fault. If he had not been such a coward, if he had just visited Brian once. Now it was to late, he had lost the only person that had ever truly cared for him. The only person, that had ever truly made him happy. As the realization hit, Nick couldn't hold back anymore and he sunk down onto his knees right where he had been standing. There he just gave himself to tears, crying and sobbing uncontrollably.