The question plagued my mind as I took off for the woods behind our cottage. I had to be the stupidest man alive.
Twice in one day, the man I’d only fantasized about, had offered me access to his love, his heart, and I had shot him down both times.
Earlier when he kissed me it felt like the world had stopped turning and for once everything was exactly how it should be. Then doubt had etched its way into my mind and I had pushed him away. I felt like the biggest asshole in the world when I saw how upset Nick was. Instead of staying and talking it out with him like I should have done, I had left him.
I was no better than Alex.
I had hurt Nick when I swore that would be one thing I would never do. I felt like a creep.
I had gone into the woods and sat in the open place I was headed to know. There was a little clearing back in the woods, where the previous owned had cut down some of the trees. I went there whenever I was upset and needed to think.
Nick had basically offered me a chance to be with him, and like an idiot I told him we needed to wait. I have never been so mad at myself. I was scared though that Nick didn’t feel the same way I felt. I wasn’t sure if he really had feelings for me, or if this was some kind of rebound thing for him.
If we were going to be in a relationship, it was going to be because he felt for me what I felt for him. I didn’t want this to be a one sided thing, I loved Nick with all of my heart, but I couldn’t say the same for him. I didn’t know how he felt. We didn’t talk about his feelings a lot. I wasn’t really sure if he was over Alex or not. I didn’t want to be Alex’s replacement. If we were going to be together it was going to be real. It was going to be because we loved each other.
I stayed in the clearing for a long time. I was afraid if I went back I would breakdown. I didn’t want Nick to know how bad this had effected me. I had to be the strong one.
It was well after midnight when I walked back to the cottage. The cottage was dark. No lights were on inside. I made my way to Nick’s door. I pressed my ear against it listening for any sort of noise inside.
When I heard none I pushed the door open and slipped inside. Nick was curled into a ball on the bed. The window was open and the moonlight reflected on his face. There were dried tear tracks on both his cheeks. He hugged his body tightly like he was afraid of something. His facial features were set in a way that made me think he was in pain. The sight of him lying there like that broke my heart and I decided then, that no matter how scared I was I had to tell Nick how I felt. He deserved that much.
I pulled his arms away from his body and laid down gently beside him. I wrapped my arms around his waist. He instantly snuggled himself deeper into my arms. I smiled softly as his facial features relaxed into a small smile. He wrapped his arms around my waist and clung to me tightly. I smoothed the hair out of his eyes and kissed his forehead softly.
“I love you Nicky,” I whispered before I fell asleep.