2002 - Lou When Nick had left to tour with NSync, Brian had known things would be difficult. He knew that his drug intake would increase again when there was nobody to keep him in check. His fear had pushed him to beg. It had been useless and he knew he couldn't keep Nick here and yet he had to try something to make him stay: "Please don't go Nick.", he had begged him while they were still standing in his shack. Then he hugged him and pulled him close, holding onto him tightly. In his dreams he had Nick staying, quitting his band just to be with him. But deep inside Brian knew his Frack couldn't stay. There were duties he had to fulfill, obligations and there were people that counted on the tall blonde. And yet Brians stomach was aching: "Please stay and never leave me.", he had pleaded with Nick. He knew it was making things hard for his love, but things weren't easy for him either. It was not like he could blame Nick for it, but he was just so afraid of what could happen. "Brian.", Nick had tried to sooth him, looking into his eyes. He was sad too, those blues told all about the sadness he felt. The idea of being separated was like a dagger stuck in both of their hearts. "I will call you every day and I will write you even more SMS'. And I will think of you and be with you. Right here.", Nick had spoken then pointed at his heart, gently caressing him as he did.
Brian remembered those words. They were true, Nick was always inside of his heart. It was the one thing that he hold onto, even though things really got worse. There was nothing he could do about it. The drug still was in control, filling up his mind and his desires. It was a voice calling in his head. Taunting him and pulling him deeper into the swamp. While he had been with Nick, he had not been off the H, but he had attempted to take far less of it. It was the least he could do, he had promised him to try. But now that he was alone again he didn't need to hide anymore. Nick couldn't see him now, so he could take the stuff whenever he needed without feeling as guilty about it. There was still guilt of course, but it was much easier to forget about it when he didn't have to meet his Fracks eyes afterwards. Nevertheless Brian felt disappointed by his lack of willpower. He had thought by now he would be stronger. But the drug kept calling and its pull was so strong, that all his defenses were easily ripped apart. He cried about it and was ashamed, but in the end he still used his injections. There was a light on the horizon though: his methadone program, which included therapy was only a week away. Thinking about that gave him hope that things could change if he just tried hard enough. It was what gave him strength. The other thing that kept him going were the messages Nick sent him all throughout the day. Messages filled with happiness and love. He told him everything that was happening on tour. He told him about the city he visited. The tour started on the West Coast in Las Vegas, not so far away from Los Angeles.
This morning Nick had written him how excited he was about being to a casino. He wrote, how much he had missed him and that he would have loved to take him out to dinner. As Brian read those texts after waking up, he couldn't help but smile. His Frack had always been the romantic one in their relationship and he could just imagine going to a fancy Italian restaurant with him. Dreaming of it made him release a longing sigh. He couldn't wait for Nick to be back. He responded by sending a simple "<3" adding only two words "Miss You." and he smiled. While he could have been sad about missing Nick, he decided it was better to think positive. It was better to dream about the day they would meet again it was only two weeks away. He would come back to Los Angeles the Monday after the one when Brian started therapy. What were two weeks?
Inside of his mind he could already see the day Nick would be back. How he would welcome him home, pull him close and kiss him. Those dreams brought a smile to his face as he started to prepare himself for the day. After he had cleaned himself up with water from his bottle, he reached for the clothes he wanted to put on. Slowly he brought the shirt up to his nose, smelling it lightly. He had washed it at Nicks place and its scent reminded him so much of his angel, that he released a content sigh. "Can't wait to have you back...", he mumbled to himself as he slipped into the shirt. Things would be good, he was so sure of that. How could he have known that things were about to change? How could he have known that someone he knew was approaching his shack?
He didn't, not until all of a sudden he heard a sound behind him. Someone was moving the metal sheet that closed his front door. As soon as he noticed the sound Brian jumped. He didn't know who it was, but he expected the worse. He was homeless, cops wouldn't treat him nice, nor would others that shared his fate. He took a defensive stance as he turned around to face the door. When he saw a familiar face, he felt as if a wave of coldness was hitting him. "Lou?", he asked shocked to see the man that had betrayed him and his friends so much. That guy, he had not changed much. He had grown older and perhaps there were a few more lines on his face, but besides of that, he still wore the huge glasses, the same bourgeois clothes and he still was immensely obese. What did he want here? As Brian examined him he noticed his expression. He didn't like it.
"Ah Brian, it has been a long time.", his words were friendly, but Brian still frowned as he stared him down. "What do you want?", Brian asked and instinctively made a few steps away from him as the older man entered his place. "Well, you see Brian. I heard a few things, you know?", Lou paused in his sentence and looked around in the shack before he spoke on, "Guess my sources were right, huh? Never would have guessed you would end up this way." Brian snarled as he heard him speak that way, he was no fan of that feigned care. "What is this about? Don't bullshit me Lou. I know that's what you like to do, but I'm not stupid.", Brian called out, but Lou grinned: "Are you not? I thought it was pretty stupid of you to sue me. You know how much money it cost me to make sure I came out of it unscathed?", Lou sighed in a theatrical fashion and stepped closer towards him, "I didn't like that you know? After all I did for you and your friends. You should have showed me a little more respect.", the older man paused again in his sentence staring into the younger mans eyes. The way Lou did it made Brian feel all uncomfortable. Why was he here? "And now I hear you are with Nick again, singing one of MY songs.", his former manager spoke on. The things he said made him angry and he interjected: "I wrote The One. I wrote it for Nick, it's my song no matter what any court says." His words made Lou laugh, which in turn only caused him to get more angry. He stared at him with piercing eyes as the large man closed the last gap between them. "It's so cute, you and Nick. It would be so bad if he had to suffer just because you are stubborn. NSync has been so good to him. Wouldn't it be bad if he had to leave?", those words cut Brians breath, where before he had tried to keep standing tall, now he gasped and looked shocked. It was a threat and it wasn't even hidden. As much as he hated Nick being with NSync, he didn't want to destroy it for him. "What do you want, Lou?" he repeated his earlier question now sounding a lot more wary than before.
"Well you know I just want to help you out. The way good old friends do.", the fake smile resting on Lous face as he spoke made Brian feel sick. If he had not felt so tense he would have gagged. "When Adam told me, that you were selling your body for drugs. Mhhh. It's sad, but I guess it's a job.", as he heard those words by the older man Brian widened his eyes. He knew Adam? It was a revelation that made him shudder. "What's up Brian? Surprised? You see I have my eyes and ears everywhere. When Adam met you he knew who you were and he was very delighted to share that information with me. It didn't matter though. I didn't care until you and Nick started to make music again." What was Lou trying to tell him? Brian still didn't know what he wanted. But he felt like the obese man was towering above him and with each word he spoke Brian felt as if he was getting smaller. "I don't mind you making music, but it reminded me of how tragic our parting was. I just can't let it be like that. You and me we should make some new happy memories, don't you think?", and then he was smiling again. It was such a disgusting and scary smile, that Brian made more steps backwards until his body collided with the wall. "Wh-what are you talking about?", Brian asked again becoming shockingly aware of the fact that he was stuttering. He was afraid.
"You know I got a little something for you!", Lou said and pulled something from his pocket. That was heroin and not a small amount. Brian gasped as he saw it. A whole bag, at least filled with 20 packages. Seeing it woke his desire to inject. If he could just take it he could forget about Lou being here. He wanted it, he needed it now. Out of instinct he reached out to grab it, but Lou pulled the hand back. "Naw, not like that. You have to work for it! Show me how good you are in your new profession!", Lou smirked finally revealing what it was about. He wanted Brians services. Disgust rose up inside of his stomach. There were so many things about it that made him feel sick. The problem wasn't that Lou wasn't attractive, he had done ugly clients before. The problem was, that he knew him, that they had history and that he hated him. Brian knew this wasn't about sexual pleasure for Lou. He knew he wanted to put him down, take revenge for the lawsuit.
As disgust mixed with anger, there was new fire in his eyes and Brian shouted: "Fuck off, Lou. Get out of here! Leave me alone!", he lifted one arm and pointed at the door. Lou only smirked and responded very calmly "You sure? Think of Nick, don't be egoistic." Brian winced. He was blackmailing him. Lous desire for revenge was so strong, that he was willing to sink that low. Brian was shocked. He didn't want to do it, but with Nicks happiness being threatened like that he had no other choice. All tension fell off of his body, when he realized there was no way past this. Defeated he slumped down onto the ground. "Alright.", he said as tears found their way into his eyes causing him to sob, "What do you want?", this was the third time Brian asked the question, but all fire had gone from his voice. "Everything.", and Lous word told him, that this suffering wouldn't end quickly.
The things that happened next would forever be burned into his mind. His former manager didn't hold back. He knew he had Brian in his hand and he abused that control. Even though he saw the aversion and pain in Brian's eyes, he didn't stop. Quite the opposite, the more Brian whimpered the further Lou went. First he only kissed him, then he touched him. The way he treated him, it was full of hate. And Brian could feel that in every motion. Lou took great care, that this felt as sickening as possible for him. He ripped off his clothes, he pushed him to the ground and then laid down on top of him. He was so heavy and Brian had a hard time breathing laying under him. As he started thrusting however Brian did not even know if he still wanted to breath. In the moment when Lou started to fuck him he wanted to pass out. He didn't want to feel this, it was so gross, so degrading. But no matter how much he wished for a calming blackness, it didn't come. It didn't come when Lou filled him up with his cum and it didn't come when he grabbed Brian by the hair and forced him to give him a blowjob. Things only got worse "Look into my eyes.", the older man demanded. When Brian complied he could see the pride and amusement laying in Lous eyes. He was winning again, he was putting him down. Perhaps he should have fought, but he was too tired. Brian had fought for years, now he was defeated and lost. After Lou had come a second time and forced Brian to suck it all down, he just let his body drop to the side. Those eyes that had been full of new hope in the morning were empty now that Lou was done with him.
Brian laid perfectly still as Lou slipped back into his clothes and he didn't even flinch when he threw the bag of H right up against his chest. "Nice to be friends again, Brian.", Lou said a few final words with a smirk, before he left his shack, putting the metal sheet back in front of it again.
When he was gone it felt as if the source of darkness had left the room and yet Brian didn't feel relieved. Pictures of what had just happened were haunting him. Why did all things always take such a dire turn? Things were going uphill and now Lou had destroyed everything. All he could do was sob as he realized that there was only one way to forget it quickly. He had to take his drug again. At least he now had enough of that.
-
2 days later:
The tour had started great. Vegas was one of those cities Nick had always loved. To give a concert there was always exciting. Of course he had missed Brian, but he knew the day they would meet again wasn't far away. In fact he had decided to leave for the weekend, which was way earlier than he had planned. When the opportunity arose, he hadn't hesitated to take it. It gave him a chance to meet Brian before his therapy started and that meant, he could give him some more mental support. Things got even better, when Nick reached his home and checked his mail. Sony had sent a contract, they wanted to sell the album he recorded with Brian. He couldn't wait to show it to his lover. His Frick would be so delighted and happy. Nick could already see him smiling that lovely smile of his. He couldn't wait to pick him up. So he wasted no time driving to Downtown to the place where Brian stayed.
Even before he reached the shack he called out for his name: "Brian!", he chuckled he was so happy. There was no response, but Nick wasn't too worried. Energetically he pushed that metal sheet away that separated him from the man he loved. Then he entered. When he saw Brian he became aware of the reason why he had not answered. His lover lay with the back to him. He was sleeping covered with his blanket.
Only...
As Nick stepped closer and nudged his Frick gently something was off. "Brian.", he spoke in a gentle voice trying to wake him. There was no movement. All of the sudden Nick felt pain in his heart. Something was not right. As he started to panic Nick reached out to pull Brian into a hug. "Wake up, Brian!", Nick said this time a bit louder. But as he pulled Brian up the blanket fell off of his body. Something was not right. There was a syringe still stuck in Brians arm. Heroin no doubt. Nick sighed. So he was still using. He would confront Brian about it when he woke up. And yet something wasn't right. When Nick pulled his Frick to his chest he noticed how stiff he was and so cold.
"No!", he shouted as he examined Brian and saw how his face had taken an unhealthy shade of blue. That's when he noticed he wasn't breathing. That chest wasn't moving, nothing was. Scared out of his mind Nick put his head to Brian's chest, just where his scar was located.
No heartbeat.
"No!", he called again and tears were shooting into his eyes. He couldn't accept that. Brian couldn't be dead. They were supposed to make it big now. They were supposed to change Brian's life and bring it back on the right path. He couldn't be dead. Perhaps he just needed a bit of warmth. Hastily Nick grabbed for the blanket and put it around the man that was still laying in his arms. "Shh Bri... this will warm you up.", he spoke as soothing as he could, but he couldn't hold back on the tears. He didn't want to accept it, but part of him knew Brian was dead.
"No!", as the part of his mind that saw things as they were took the upper hand Nick sobbed. Carefully but full of fear he let Brians body drop. What was he supposed to do now? As he looked at the motionless body of the man he loved, he felt how his heart shattered into a million pieces. He had fought so valiantly, but in the end he had lost the battle against the drugs. "I'm sorry...", Nick muttered and gently stroked through Brian's curly hair as the tears he cried hit the ground. "I'm so sorry, I should have been with you.", he regretted ever leaving him alone. He should have insisted way stronger for him to come along. Now he was dead. Dead and Nick only was realizing slowly what that meant. No more smiles by him, no more words and no songs. That beautiful being, that once had been so full of life when they had first met, now he was gone. There were no words to describe what he felt. It was coldness, but it was hot pain, it was emptiness and yet he was filled with sadness. Nick didn't know how he could go on like this. And what should he do now? What did you do when the person you loved died? Who did you call? By the state of Brian's body Nick knew it was way too late to revive him and yet calling the hospital was the best idea he got. He was shivering as he dialed the number, moving as if he was in trance. This could only be a nightmare. And yet he was wide awake.