Pairing(s): Nick/Kevin Rated: R Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Originally Published: Early 2000's
Somebody told me you were leavin’ I didn’t know Somebody told me you’re unhappy But it doesn’t show Somebody told me that you don’t want me no more So you’re walkin’ out the door
Nick’s Pov
I always thought we were happy together. I guess I was so excited that I finally had Kevin that I didn’t realize that he was unhappy. I loved him so much, and it literally killed me when he left. I have never in my life felt so alone, so lost. To this day I am still haunted with thoughts of him leaving it’s not something that leaves.
I picked up a rock from the path that I was walking along. I stared out into the water and wondered when the plaguing thoughts of Kevin would leave me alone. Thunder crackled overhead. I glanced briefly up to sky and saw the storm clouds that had filled the sky. It would rain soon. I wasn’t in the mood to be cooped up in the house. That’s the reason I was out here in the first place.
The ocean made me forget most of my problems. The water calmed me somehow. I couldn’t stay in the confinements of those four-walls much longer.
I sat down on the dock and dangled my feet in the water. I was so alone now. The group had broken up a couple months after Kevin got married. That was almost three years ago. I hadn’t heard from the others in the longest time. I kept to myself in my beach house and let the thoughts of Kevin consume my every movement. I didn’t date, I didn’t spend time with friends, and I didn’t go out and have fun.
I spent my time here; thinking of what I did to make Kevin want to leave me, make him not love me anymore. I just wanted to be the one he fell asleep with at night, the one he spent his time with, the one he loved.
It felt like the heavens had opened up and it seemed like within seconds I was soaked from head to toe. The rain fell in sheets and nothing could escape from it. The thunder shook the docks and the lightning lit up the sky. I took off for the house afraid to stay out in the storm any longer.
Once I reached the back door the rain fell harder. I opened the sliding door and walked into the house. I pulled my t-shirt off and threw it in the sink. I kicked off my shoes and socks and went to find a towel to dry off with. The doorbell rang on my way to the laundry room. I froze temporarily. Then the confusion set in.
Who could it be? Nobody knew where I lived. None of them knew where my beach house was. It was my own little place away from everything. Only Kevin had knowledge of this place, but it was so long ago he probably didn’t remember. I walked into the entryway to open the door.
Shock went through every cell in my body as I opened the door and my eyes caught sight of a drenched Kevin standing on my front steps. I swear my heart stopped beating and the air escaped my lungs. Everything screeched to a halt as I willed my eyes to stop playing tricks on me. I closed my eyes tightly and opened them again to the same image.
I finally found the ability to speak an asked the question that would start it all. “How did you know where I was?” I managed to croak out through the pain that had just taken residence in my chest.
“You brought me here once, I never forgot about it. I figured this is where you’d be,” He said softly looking down at the steps.
It had been so long since we’d been here together. It was towards the beginning of our relationship. I could feel my emotions trying to overtake me so I stepped aside and allowed him to enter. I closed my eyes tightly as he walked past me and tried to calm myself down. I led him into the living room while I ran upstairs to get him a change of clothes. I took several deep breaths to calm my nerves and hurriedly found him an outfit. I stumbled don the stairs and walked slowly into the living room almost expecting him to be gone.
I still felt like this was some dream that I would soon wake up from. He stood in the living room awkwardly trying not to get everything wet. A million thoughts ran through my mind as I handed him the clothes. He made his way to the bathroom to change and I watched him till he shut the door. I dropped down on the couch and dropped my head in my hands.
A lot of questions that needed answers.
He slowly reentered the living room. I looked up and met his gaze. “What are you doing here?” I asked softly almost afraid of his answer.
“I still love you,” he choked out before he dropped down beside me on the couch.
My mind started to swim and I swear my heart stopped beating for the second time today.
Somebody told me you still loved me Don’t know why Nobody told me that you only Needed time to fly Somebody told me that you want to come back when Our love is true again
I moved away from the couch, suddenly he was too close to me. I eased myself into the armchair that faced the couch and let my gaze land on Kevin. His eyes held the same haunted look that mine did. I moved my gaze to his hands searching for his wedding band.
I gasped softly when I couldn’t find one. He didn’t have it on.
“What’s going on,” I demanded suddenly becoming angry. My eyes narrowed slightly.
He took a deep breath and looked up at me slowly. “I left her,” he whispered.
My anger got the better of me. “Your really good at leaving people aren’t you Kevin,” I snapped before I could stop myself.
He flinched at my comment but didn’t say anything. “I guess I deserve that,” he said evenly.
“Yeah you do. Do you have any idea all I’ve went through?’ I demanded. He winced and dropped his gaze to the floor.
“I’m sorry,” he choked out.
“How can you sit there and tell me you still love me after everything you’ve put me through.” I dropped down in my chair again and closed my eyes.
I hadn’t even imagined that when I woke up today that Kevin would be here trying to explain himself.
“I never imagined you would ever feel the same way about me that I felt about you,” he started. This time I decided to be quiet and not interrupt him. “I loved you, I still love you. Don’t ever doubt that,” he said softly looking up at me and locking his gaze with mine, “I know with all that’s happened you probably don’t believe me, but its true. I loved being with you. You were all I needed to be happy, but after awhile I got lost. I lost myself, I lost my identity. I was Nick Carter’s boyfriend. People including myself stopped seeing me as me, but as something else. I needed to find myself again. I didn’t know who I was or why I was even doing what I was doing. I just needed to find myself. I needed time to fly. I wanted to be the one you love, the one you adored, but I also needed to be me. I lost myself when I was with you and I needed to get that back, even if it meant I wasn’t with you. It was selfish, dumb and stupid. I know that now, but it was just the first of all my mistakes. When I married her I knew I ‘d made the biggest mistake of my life, but with her I had myself again. I was the dominant person. I didn’t have you though and it all didn’t seem to matter so much anymore. I was alone. There was no one around. Kristin and I didn’t have the lover’s marriage. She knew I still loved you and she just wanted to be married.
After awhile even that wasn’t enough. We couldn’t do it on friendship alone. We got divorced six months ago. That meant I was free to be with you again, but with all I’ve put you through I was always scared that you’d reject me. I’m not as strong as you. I couldn’t take rejection from someone I loved so much, and I do Nick. I love you with everything that I am. After awhile though I knew it wasn’t fair to you. I knew I had to tell you the reason I did the things I did. I want to work things out I want you to know how much I love you. I want to beg you to let me be the one to erase all the pain I’ve caused you. I want to be the one to love you unconditionally until the end of forever, but I have no idea how you feel. I want our love to be real again. I want you to need me as much as I need you. I’ve said my part and everything from here on out is your decision. You can shove me out right now and I’ll go and leave you alone. You don’t have to deal with this. But if you still love me please let me stay so we can work this out. We can fix all the problems. We can heal all the pain. I just needed to get this all off my chest. I want you to know even if you don’t still love me that you will always hold my heart in your hands. I’m yours. It’s up to you to decide if you still want me,” He broke our eye contact to wipe away the tears that were streaming down his face.
Just turn around and walk away You don’t have to live like this If you love me still then stay Don’t keep me waiting for that final kiss We can work together through this test Or we can work through it apart I just need to get this off my chest That you will always have my heart
I breathed deep and dropped my head into my hands. He had just spoken aloud everything I had been longing to hear for the longest time. He still loved me. He wanted me back as much as I wanted him. I wipe my tears away and glanced in his direction.
He stared at the floor while small tears managed to find their way down his face. Knowing he still loved me was the most wonderful feeling in the world.
“I love you too Kev,” I murmured softly.
His head shot up and his eyes searched mine for hints of a joke. I smiled softly to reassure him what I said was true. I stood and walked to the coffee table in front of him. I sat down slowly and took his hands in mine. I stared deeply into his emerald green eyes and felt myself fall in love all over again.
“Let me be the one you grow old with,” I said softly. “Let me be the one you love.”
His eyes teared up a little and I squeezed his hands in reassurance. I gazed at him briefly before I felt his lips crush mine. I threw my arms around his neck and fell into his embrace. I pulled away slowly before the kiss turned passionate and nuzzled my face in the side of his neck. He looked down and rubbed his face in my hair.
“I want you to be the one,” He replied softly. I squeezed his hand softly and smiled, just enjoying being in his company for the first time in what seemed like forever.