Pairing(s): Nick/Kevin Rated: R Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Originally Published: Early 2000's
I rolled over and felt the empty space that I knew would be there. The space had been empty since he left. Since he married her. I closed my eyes and groaned. The dream had felt so real. I had hoped maybe this one time I would wake up and he’d still be lying beside me. I knew it was useless hoping. He had made his decision, he got married, and he was never coming back. It didn’t mean that I couldn’t wish for one more day.
Last night I had a crazy dream A wish was granted just for me It could be for anything I didn't ask for money Or a mansion in Malibu I simply wished, for one more day with you
It started over 4 years ago on my 19th birthday. That night will be forever etched in my memory. I will never forget the look in his eyes when I told him I loved him. Never in my wildest fantasies had I allowed myself to hear the words that tumbled from his lips next. I started living my life that night when he told me he loved me. It was what I had spent my life waiting for. Kevin’s acceptance, approval and most of all his love.
Nothing can compare to the way I felt when I was with him. The years I spent with Kevin were the best years of my life. We hid our relationship from the guys for a while, but then it was too much and we told them. I remember everything about our relationship.
I can recall every detail. It will never leave my thoughts. It’s all I have to hold on to. If I thought I loved Kevin before, than I’m not sure the word to used to describe how I felt after we were together. Being together helped me as a person. I became more attentive, more organized. I grew up a lot by being with him. I’m still a kid at heart I always will be, but I matured a lot in the 4 years we were together. I was happiest when I was with him. My life couldn’t get any better. I was in so much in love and our careers were soaring.
Then my whole world came crashing down around my shoulders. I’m not even sure now when he stated to pull away from me. When he began to distance himself. Maybe I had known for a while and chose to ignore it. I’m not sure but to me if felt like it came out of nowhere and slapped me in the face.
When we made love before we would hold each other afterwards and talk about our future together, I knew something was going on when he would just go right to sleep afterwards, sometimes not even bothering to say I love you. I tried to make sure I told him everyday that I loved him; sometimes he would return it, sometimes not. It went on like that for almost two months, till I finally got tired of it and confronted him. He told me he was sorry, but he didn’t love me anymore. He told me that he would always love me like his friend, but that he’d met someone else.
Those four words can do more damage than one would imagine.
I didn’t know what to do. I remember I stood there looking at him for what seemed like a lifetime. I felt my heart break into little pieces. My eyes filled with tears that I refused to cry and I had to turn away from him before I lost all my composure. It felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly in the chest. I felt the air leave my lungs and I wondered briefly if I would actually be able to live without him. I knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with it, but I also knew I had to choice in the matter.
And like that he packed his things and he left. He left me staring off into space trying to deal with the throbbing pain that had taken over my heart. Only after he had left the house did I allow my tear to fall, and fall is what they did.
Pour is the word that fits better I’m sure. I dropped to my knees and allowed my tears and broke heart to over take me. I cried for all I was worth. I don’t even remember now how long I laid on the floor. I felt like I was dying. Actually death would have been less painful. It’s one thing to have your heart broken by someone whose not totally involved in your life. He was one of my best friends, my band mate. There was no escape from seeing him. I had to see him on a constant basis and hold myself together at least until I was alone to cry. It got worse when he started bringing her around.
The others knew we were over, but they thought I was totally okay with the breakup. How little my friends knew me. I pulled the biggest front of my life. Being Nick the prankster, the goofball around them all, but being me the broken heated Nick behind closed doors.
I stayed in my hotel room and cried at night instead of going out with them to clubs and parties. I couldn’t do it, not when he brought her. I sill to this day haven’t spoken to Kevin on a level that was anything besides business. I stayed as far away from him as I possible could. There wasn’t any way I could be around him. I couldn’t keep my emotions intact.
When he told us he proposed, I felt like I was going to lose myself in my tears. I couldn’t get out of that room fast enough. I knew it was going to happen, I did. I just wasn’t prepared for it. Hearing those words told me it really was over, and I had to move on, because he wasn’t coming back.
I’m better now. I’ve come to terms with his decision. I didn’t go to the wedding. There was no way in this world I could watch the only person I’ve ever loved vow to love someone else for the rest of his life. There just was no way I could handle it.
That’s been 2 years ago. I’m still not over him. I’m not sure I’ll ever get him out of my system. I think if I had some sort of closure I could deal with this better.
Even after everything that happened I just want to have one more day, to tell him how much I love him and how bad he hurt me. One more day to find out where I went wrong. Just one more day that I can call him mine and he will call me his.
I am his I always will be. Even if I had one more day I’d just leave me wishing still, for one more day with you….
One more day One more time One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied But then again I know what it would do Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you