Pairing(s): Nick/Kevin Rated: R Chapters: 4 Completed: Yes Originally Published: Early 2000s
I wrote a letter yesterday Just trying to explain Couldn't find the words to say Cause you are so far away, so far away
My Kevin,
You may not care and you may not wish to know but I'm going to tell you just how much you hurt me. You may be far away from me but you will always be near in my heart. I loved you. God I loved you. I gave up everything for a chance of life with you. My family no longer speaks to me. My mothers disowned me, my siblings hate me. I put my career on the line to come out in the open and tell people how much I loved you. And you go and do the things you did. How do you think it made me feel when you announced that you and Kristen were getting married? Do you even care how many times I tried to kill myself, how many times I cried myself to sleep? And after all of that I still love you. It amazes me why I do. I can accept that you will never want what we had back. I can accept that you don't love me. But it hurts. I guess sometimes I still hold on to hope that someday you will want me back but I know that's not true. I know you are happy with Kristin and I don't want to ruin that. So you live your life and I'll live mine, even if my life is without you.
I love you, I always will.
With all my love Nickolas Gene Carter
I wrote a letter yesterday It's so hard for me to face That it had to end this way But my love will never change, will never change
Kevin's POV I closed my eyes as I let all the tears fall. How wrong that letter was.
I loved Nick more than life itself. Only if I had the courage to call him and tell him that. Yes, I hurt him I know that, but I was scared. I had never felt that way about someone before. I'm sure it would scare you to if you felt like you were willing to die for another person. Yes, I was scared. So I asked Kristin to marry me. She was someone I felt like I could hide behind. I loved her of course. Just not like I loved Nick.
I didn't even love her enough to marry her, but I did it anyway. And in the process I hurt the only one I ever really cared about. Nick was my life. He was my heart and soul, he still is. You see a couple months after we were married she knew I didn't love her as much as she thought. One day I was out she found an old journal that I had kept when Nick and me were together and she read it. She figured out that I didn't love her, I loved Nick. She confronted me about it and I ended up telling her the whole story. Surprisingly she was very supportive she told me she wanted a divorce because she wasn't going to be married to someone who didn't love her.
So she left me.
I'm alone now with my feelings for Nick. They haunt me day and night because I know he will never want me back. After everything I did to him I wouldn't want me back.
You can just walk away But I don't feel the same My heart still beats for you, breathes for you, sings for you And those feelings will never fade I can hide my pain But I can never hide the way I feel for you
I made up my mind. I had to see him had to let him know I still loved him.
Nick's POV
I can believe I wrote the letter, but I sure as hell can't believe I sent it. It doesn't matter anyway. Nothing I say will change anything. They were married. They weren't just going out.
I wanted Kevin back worse than anything but I also was scared if I ever got him back if he would do this to me again. I think I gave up a lot for him. My family. God everyone knows that my family was my most important thing in my life, but I felt like Kevin was more important than that so I gave up my family to be with him. And even now that I see what he did to me, I'd still do it again. Just because my love for him is that strong.
He was everything to me and I mean everything. Brian stopped speaking to me he told me that Kevin could be my new best friend. I still wish there was something I could do to bring him back to me, but I can deal. At least I think I can. So many nights I sit in this window seat and cry. Wishing I could see Kevin pulling up into my driveway.
My weight isn't a problem anymore. I've stopped eating. I mean I eat every now and then but not like I used to. I am the thinnest I've ever been. I'm glad we have time off so I don't have to see him. My body is so ran down but I don't care. Every time I look at food a voice in the back of my head screams that he left me because I was too fat for him.
I knew Mr. Boy Beautiful didn't need a huge fat boyfriend like me. So now the sight of food makes me sick. I wish there were some way to bring him back. I know I say that a lot but you just don't understand how much I miss him. I love him and that will never change.
I don't sleep and when I do I talk to Kevin. A part of me thinks that Kevin hears me, but I know he doesn't. I can't and won't move on. I just want him to love me again.
I've been talking in my sleep About the way it used to be Girl I pray that you hear me Then I'll see you in my dreams Oh, in my dreams
You can just walk away But I don't feel the same My heart still beats for you, breaks for you, sinks for you And those feelings will never fade I can't hide my pain I can never hide the way I feel for you