When Brian woke up that day he felt a great, all-encompassing feeling of melancholy, pressing down on his chest like the weight of his over-stuffed stomach, heavy as a boulder. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t typically feel that way on the 20th of February — his birthday. Usually the prospect of celebrating that day with friends and family made him feel excited, but this year, things were different.
There were several issues his mind kept circling around. The most important of them was one question he still couldn't answer: was what Paul felt for him truly love?
Brian despised the feeding sessions. He feared gaining weight, and they made him feel sick, because Paul never stopped until he was absolutely full, but since they had started, his boyfriend had become so kind, and so loving. Brian had hardly ever felt as desired by anybody as he felt by Paul after he had fed him huge amounts of food. When he was laying there in pain from all he had eaten his boyfriend simply couldn't keep his hands off him. Paul adored him like that.
In those moments, Brian did feel loved, but at the same time he hated it. It was disgusting, and Paul acting like that weirded him out. Yes, Brian was worried about his boyfriend's unwillingness to listen to his wishes, but Paul loved him. Didn't he?
Brian remembered all the loving memories they had shared. In the year they had been together, Paul had always been there for him. He held him close when he was cold, made jokes when he was sad, and gave him a massage any time he was feeling tense. He had been his light in the darkness for a very long time. There had to be a way to get back to how happy they had been.
He wanted to believe in their relationship, but he had not been able to stop himself from questioning Paul's feelings for him. Did he really love him? He still didn't know the answer.
Another problem was that Nick's face kept popping into his mind. What was it that was happening between him and Nick? Brian wanted to think of it as a silly infatuation, but he simply couldn't stop thinking about him. Wasn't that in itself a sign that Brian was the problem in the relationship he had with Paul? He had to stop himself from dreaming about another man. Brian sighed. Perhaps things were difficult right now, but he still had hope that he would find a way to fix it. He just couldn't throw away all the beautiful memories.
As Brian finally left the bed he saw another reminder of the things that were wrong in his relationship. There, by the wardrobe, stood the new scale Paul had bought two days ago, able to weigh persons up to 300 kg. It made Brian worried. How heavy did his boyfriend want him to get?
He already felt bad about his body and he was only 30 pounds away from his normal weight. The thought of weighing 300 kilos frightened him. Was that what Paul wanted? Did he want him so fat that every tiny motion caused him to be out of breath? Did he want him unable to move? Was that what Paul wished him to be: immobile? It all seemed so unreal to him, so weird and wrong. Brian didn't want to end up that way, he couldn't, but he didn’t think Paul would understand.
His boyfriend was so excited about feeding him. Even now, he wasn't in their bedroom, but in the kitchen preparing the huge breakfast with which he would torment Brian, as had become the norm in the last few days.
He had to talk to him, but it wasn't going to be easy. Paul might become angry, and that never ended well.
For now, Brian drew out the moments before seeing him. He took his time in the shower, allowing the warm droplets of water to wash away some of his worries. He turned his mind to the conversation with Paul and laid out the words he would say once he approached him.
After he was done, he didn't hurry getting dressed either. Carefully, he chose what to wear. Paul would have loved him to put on tight clothes, but Brian didn't want to. He wanted to feel comfortable on his birthday, so he chose a hoodie and a pair of black cargo pants he loved. Both pieces of attire were a bigger size, and they made Brian feel less like a stuffed sausage.
Once he was done dressing, there was no way around it anymore; he had to face Paul. Thinking about it made him nervous, but he had to get through it. In an attempt to gain some confidence, he closed his hands into fists before heading into the kitchen. “Good morning, darling!” Paul said when Brian pushed open the door.
He had been waiting for him, sitting on the table that held the huge breakfast he had prepared: pancakes, bacon and eggs, pieces of bread with Nutella. If it were up to Paul, he would make him eat all of it, but that was the problem.
“Morning,” Brian mumbled, looking into Paul’s eyes, trying to read his emotions.
Right now he was happy, but Brian worried that it would change once they talked. “Happy birthday! I made you a birthday breakfast,” Paul called out, standing up from his seat.
Paul was about to approach him, but Brian raised his hand to make him stop.
“Yes, about that, Paul. We have to talk,” Brian started, and took a deep breath. He wanted to say it before his courage left him. “I don't feel happy about gaining weight. I — ”
“You what?” Paul interrupted him, his voice threatening.
His expression changed into a frown. Brian hesitated.
After a moment of silence, he spoke on. “I just don't want to be fat. I don't like this, Paul — you feeding me — it's disgusting.” It took all of his courage to say those words, but Brian didn't dare move any closer to his boyfriend once he had spoken them.
“Are you kidding me?” Paul got really loud and stared at him in anger. “Haven't we talked about this already? You said you would do everything for our love! Don't you love me anymore?”
It was the same question Paul had used repeatedly against him now. Brian shook his head energetically.
“No, Paul. I do love you,” he responded loudly, but then became quiet, “I just don't like gaining weight.”
Paul wouldn’t allow Brian to back out of it. “Then you have to grow to like it! Is it too much to ask for you to try to make me happy? Show me that you love me! If you truly do, you will do this for me!” he demanded.
"Paul, I really love you," Brian repeated himself, "but I keep wondering if you love me!"
Paul was taken back by Brian's admission, and looked at him in silence for a moment. When he finally spoke, he was a bit less aggressive.
"Of course I love you, honey. You are my everything. Don't you see it?" he asked, then stopped for a second, before continuing on, "Don't you see all the things I do for you out of love? I even took a few days off from work, just so I could be with you, despite the project I was working on being nearly finished. I stayed home just for you. Is it too much to ask that you do something for me for once?"
That was it; Brian was once again out of arguments. Paul was speaking the truth; every day, he did so much for him. Hearing Paul say it like that, Brian suddenly felt selfish. If he just tried a little harder, things would be so much easier.
All the thoughts he had that morning suddenly seemed silly. “I'm sorry, Paul, you’re right.”
Brian gave up and walked past him to sit down at the table.
It took a while for Paul to join him. Before he sat down on the chair next to Brian, he paced around the room for a few moments, calming himself after their argument.
“You make things so difficult sometimes,” Paul scolded.
Brian lowered his head a little, feeling bad about the way he had acted, but Paul used his hand to nudge his chin upwards again and started to feed him.
Paul wanted Brian to start liking it, but it wasn't easy. He tried so hard, but all he could feel as his boyfriend pushed pieces of pancake into him was disgust. He didn't like to be fed and he couldn't even force himself to like it. How could he not even do this for his boyfriend? He felt so inept.
When it became too much for him to handle, the mix of emotions caused tears to gather in Brian's eyes. Paul stopped for a moment. “Aw, don't cry, babe,” Paul said, as he used his free hand to wipe away the tears. “You don't need to be sad. I'm so grateful you are doing this for me, and I love you; I always will. You will become so beautiful; you'll see.”
He leaned in to kiss Brian's cheek, before he brought the next fork up to his lips. “I know it is hard, but you make me really happy doing this. I truly appreciate it. I can't even put into words how much I love you for it.” Paul gave him a smile.
Slowly, Brian nodded. If it made Paul happy, then perhaps it wasn't so bad. He could do it for him, and love.
For love.
It had become like a mantra that he repeated in his head over and over again, hoping that it would make the feeding feel easier, hoping it would make it feel right. So far, it hadn’t worked. Perhaps he just needed to believe stronger.
“For love,” Brian said.
Perhaps speaking it would make him believe. Paul smiled and kissed him again, this time on the other cheek, before he continued to feed him.
“You know, I invited Fiona and Rolf to come over later for a birthday party. We'll have some cake with them and then have the rest of the evening by ourselves,” Paul revealed to him.
Fiona and Rolf were Paul's friends from work. Brian didn't know how to feel about them coming to visit. Both of them were nice to him, but he didn’t really like them. Fiona was the kind of person that bad-mouthed everybody that was not in the room. The failures of others were her favorite subject to talk about. Rolf was really odd. The last time Brian had seen him, he had spent hours telling him about how fish mated; he said it was his hobby.
“Oh, great; I can't wait for them to arrive,” Brian lied.
It didn't make sense to anger Paul by being annoyed about his friends. He would get through to it. Somehow.
First, he had to get through his breakfast. Paul was set on getting him stuffed. Brian looked into his eyes as he kept pushing fork after fork past his lips. When Brian started to groan, his boyfriend's eyes started to sparkle with lust — the moment he felt the pain, the moment he felt like he couldn't eat another bite, the moment he couldn't hold back on putting his pain into sound, Paul started to get aroused.
Sick.
He pushed the thought that shot into his mind away as quickly as it came. Was it really so wrong to be desired that way? It couldn't be so terrible if it made Paul happy.
“You did so good, again.” His boyfriend praised him, his voice tainted by arousal.
Right after, Brian felt Paul's hands on his belly. He rubbed and squeezed it, and he hummed in sweet passion doing so. It was so weird to Brian. How could anybody be aroused by this? Still, he didn't stop his boyfriend. At least Paul never demanded that Brian do anything back to him in these moments. The way he was stuffed, he didn't feel like he could do anything. Brian feeling incapable of doing anything was part of what made Paul grow so hard.
Sick.
The thought came back to his mind, but before he could push it away again, he was distracted by Paul standing up. Brian didn't say a word or make a move, he just observed as Paul left the room, silent. Brian knew he was going away to masturbate. Brian felt confused, and, once Paul was gone, he looked up at the ceiling once more. What had become of them? Gently, he put one hand on his belly, trying to ease the pain.
Later that day Paul's friends arrived for his birthday. They came together. Fiona was carrying a basket full of hideous blue flowers. They were probably supposed to be trendy, but the color was artificial, and to Brian they mainly looked unhealthy. Still, he smiled and thanked her for the present, putting it down on a close-by table.
Then Rolf stepped into his line of sight and handed him something soft, wrapped in white paper.
“I caught it myself!” Rolf said proudly, and put a hand on Brian's shoulder to pat it.
It was a fish, of course. Brian felt mildly disgusted; he could feel the slimy texture of it even through the paper, but he still tried to keep up a smile.
“Thanks, I'll freeze it right away!”
He used the chance to get away from them. Taking slow steps, he made his way into the kitchen and put the fish into the freezer as slowly as he could. He left it to Paul to welcome his friends and seat them. He hoped they would start a conversation and he didn't have to be part of it.
His plan worked. When Brian came back to the living room, Paul and his friends were talking in German about the program they were writing at work. Brian sat down on the armchair and watched them, enjoying his chance to be silent.
It was hard to really follow their conversation. Brian had learned a little bit of German in the years he had been here, but they were talking quite fast and used many words he didn't know. At least Paul seemed to be having fun, and that was all that mattered right now.
Suddenly, the door bell rang again. Brian looked at his boyfriend trying to see if he knew somebody else that was coming, but the surprise on Paul's face told him that he wasn't expecting anyone else.
“I'll get the door,” Brian said, allowing Paul to continue his conversation.
He hurried to the door, opened it, and pushed the buzzer that allowed whoever waited downstairs to enter the building. When he heard someone's steps, Brian leaned forward a little bit, trying to see who would come up the stairs.
Even before Brian saw AJ, he could hear him. “Ro-ok, happy birthday!”
Hearing his voice made him feel relieved, somehow. It was like all of his sorrows dropped off his shoulders. When AJ finally came up the last flight of stairs, Brian felt even more excited because he wasn't alone. There, behind him, Brian could make out a familiar shock of blond hair.
Nick.
Brian’s heart stood still for a moment; he looked at Nick, and AJ was forgotten.
Nick wore a simple white dress shirt tucked into his jeans. It suited him so well; he was beautiful. Seeing him come up the stairs delighted Brian.
The moment when he last saw Nick, the way he had held him right before he was taken to the hospital, came flooding back to him. It was as if Brian still could feel those strong arms around him.
He gave Nick a gentle smile. As Nick answered with one of his own, Brian felt all warm inside. Nick’s presence alone was enough to make him feel calm. All his annoyance about Paul feeding him, and about Fiona and Rolf visiting, vanished.
The thoughts of laying in Nick's arms turned into a longing to feel him even closer. Brian forced himself to look at AJ. He wasn't supposed to think about Nick like that.
Brian noticed that both of them were holding a wrapped present in their hands.
“AJ! Nick!” he called their names in excitement and stepped out of the flat a little more to welcome them.
AJ was the first reach him and he put his gift down to pull Brian into a hug.
“It's sooo good to see you. How’s your back?” he asked, and slowly let him go again.
“Oh, I don't even feel it anymore. It healed quite well,” he responded.
AJ picked up the present again, but before he could give it to him, Nick stepped up to Brian and pulled him into a hug. Different from when AJ hugged him, Brian felt his own heartbeat starting to increase.
“Happy birthday, monkey,” Nick whispered into his ear, and Brian blushed.
The longing returned; he wanted to do more. As his sweet, gentle scent started filling Brian's nose he wanted to bury his face in Nick's shirt, taking in all of his scent, but he held himself back.
It was sweet how 'monkey' seemingly had become Nick's pet name for him. He didn't mind it at all. In fact, the word made him smile and feel happy; the hug, even more so. As Nick pulled away from him again, Brian couldn't help feeling slightly disappointed. “Come in!” Brian invited them, and led them into the living room.
When they stepped inside, Paul raised his head. He had still been in deep conversation with his friends, but now he stopped talking. For a moment, he looked at the new arrivals in silence and Brian wasn't sure what he was thinking. Then, his boyfriend gave his friends a tired smile.
“More guests, albeit uninvited ones,” he mumbled, just loud enough to be audible.
“Yeah, sorry, Paul, we should have called, but we didn't want to risk Brian answering the phone. We wanted it to be a surprise,” AJ explained.
Paul nodded, and Brian could feel that he wasn’t really excited that AJ and Nick had come to the party. Paul didn't like things to go differently than the way he had planned them, and he hadn't planned for Brian's friends to come to the party. Still, Paul tried to be welcoming, and Brian admired that.
“Well, I made enough cake for all of us. So you might as well sit down, AJ. — and who is the blond guy?” Paul asked, examining Nick. It didn't seem like Paul remembered the one time he saw Nick talking to Brian, and that was good, because it meant that Paul couldn’t know about Brian's infatuation for Nick either.
Still, Brian felt nervous about the two of them meeting. Nick didn't think highly of Paul, and Brian saw how he was already staring his boyfriend down. Seeing Nick's open aggression caused Brian to furrow his eyebrows.
“I'm Nick. I sing at the café now,” he said in a carefully neutral voice, “and you must be Paul. Brian told me a lot about you.”
Brian was worried about the way he emphasized that. Quickly, he shot Nick a critical glance, trying to get him to stop antagonizing his boyfriend.
Paul, on the other hand, turned his head to look at Brian. “Is that so?” his boyfriend asked and watched as Brian nodded, then he turned to face Nick again. “He didn't tell me about you. Anyway, you can have cake, too,” Paul said calmly, and gestured for Nick to have a seat, then stood up to leave for the kitchen.
Brian looked around the room. Their apartment wasn’t very big. It was large enough to house two people, but once they had more than a couple of guests, it became rather tight. Their living room was full.
Brian examined the table that stood in front of their L-shaped couch. Paul had once told Brian that it was a German classic. It had a wooden frame and its top was covered with glazed tiles. The best part of it was that you could lower and raise its height with a crank. You also could pull out the ends to make it longer.
For his birthday, Paul had raised the table and put a table cloth over it. He had taken care decorating it with a beautiful bouquet of red, pink and white roses. The cutlery he had chosen to put onto the table was silver; the dishes porcelain. They only ever used these things for special occasions.
"I'll be right back," Brian said and headed to the kitchen to get a couple more chairs, so everybody would have more room.
First, he brought a chair for AJ and placed it across from the part of the couch where Fiona and Rolf were sitting next to each other. Once Brian had put AJ's chair down, he went and got another chair for Nick, which he put at the end of the table opposite to where Paul was sitting on the short end of the couch. Slowly Brian sat down in the armchair, between AJ and where Paul would be sitting. The way that Nick and Paul had talked to each other still was on his mind. He was nervous and hoped that Nick would stop acting confrontational; it couldn't end well.
“Hi, I'm Fiona!”
Of course she was the first to talk and Brian didn't need to know her very well to see that she wanted to make a good impression on the young men. She held out her hand to Nick and he took it, while Brian turned his face away to secretly roll his eyes. As the introductions happened, Brian just stayed silent. He'd rather have a conversation with Alex and Nick alone. Then he noticed that they were still holding their presents and wondered what was inside.
“So, about those gifts … ” Brian said, and looked expectantly at his two friends.
Perhaps he was being a bit impatient, but he couldn't help it. AJ chuckled at his words, but Nick seemed surprised.
“Oh, yeah, I nearly forgot,” Alex said and held out the package to Brian.
He took it quickly, and was about to open it when he was distracted by Paul coming back with the cake. He wasn’t really excited about it. The large amount of food he had eaten for breakfast still lay heavy in his stomach; he wasn't hungry.
Brian held back a sigh and turned his attention back to AJ’s gift, unwrapping it.
“It's not quite protective gear, but I thought you might like it,” he said, as Brian examined the gift.
It was so sweet; his gift was not expensive, but had so much thought behind it. It was a photo album.
Brian opened it slowly. The album had pictures of him and AJ, starting from the year they had first met. As he browsed through it, he had to smile; the pictures showed so many good memories throughout the years.
“Thank you, Aje. I love it!” His smile only grew wider when he stood up to hug Alex. Even when they parted from the hug, he still felt happy. It was a great gift.
“Look, Paul,” he said to his boyfriend eagerly, and handed him the album. “Here are photos of me and Alex. Some of them were taken back when we were still in the States.”
Paul seemed curious as he took the book. He smiled warmly as he opened it, and sat back in his spot next to Fiona. Brian had to grin as he noticed Paul holding it in a way that stopped his nosy friend from looking into it.
“You were always cute, babe,” he said, causing Brian to grin, “but you are even cuter right now.”
Brian knew that Paul was talking about his added weight. Even though Paul would never admit it openly in front of everybody else, that was exactly what his boyfriend thought was cuter about him. Thinking about it dampened Brian's mood a little.
"I have something for you, too!” Nick called out, pulling Brian away from thinking too much about Paul's words.
Brian turned to face Nick and the moment their eyes met, Nick threw the package towards him.
“Fang!” He shouted the German word for “Catch!”
Brian reacted quickly, training taking over. Jumping up from where he was sitting, he grabbed Nick's present, instinct from the time he still had been playing basketball.
“What is it?” Brian asked, as he started to unwrap the gift.
As the fancy paper was removed Brian was left holding a blank box. “Open it!” Nick challenged him, and watched Brian as he complied.
Brian's heart filled with joy when he saw what the box contained. He reached into it to pull out a basketball, and with it so many memories of playing with friends in the US. Immediately, he put the ball on his index finger and spun it.
“I love it!” he exclaimed, before he let the ball drop, pulling it to his chest and hugging it.
“It's a promise,” Nick said, causing Brian to look at him curiously.
“A promise?” Brian repeated his words.
Nick nodded and gave him a thumbs-up. He seemed to be delighted about whatever it was he wanted to say.
“Yep, you see, I enrolled you and me to the local basketball team. So, we'll be doing sports together!” Nick explained excitedly, smiling such a bright smile that it nearly illuminated the room
Brian didn't know how to feel. Of course he loved sports, and he and Nick had talked about doing them together, but now Paul was in the room. Carefully, Brian put the ball down next to his chair and turned his head to face his boyfriend.
It was just as he had expected; Paul’s eyes were narrowed and he was watching them. He didn't like it. Right now he couldn’t say anything, but Brian knew that Paul didn't want him to train with Nick.
“I don't know, Nick,” Brian said, attempting to calm his boyfriend.
“C'mon, you told me you would love to do sports with me.” Nick kept pressing, a stubbornness in his words.
Why did he say that? He was revealing things to the world that Brian would have preferred to keep hidden. Brian had told Nick that Paul didn't like the idea of him playing sports, but he still just said it, anyway.
Brian gave him a look, but whatever was on Nick's mind, Brian couldn't read it. However, he did notice that Nick, for a flash of a second, looked at Paul. Was he trying to upset his boyfriend?
If that was really Nick's plan, then it was working. Brian wasn't looking at Paul anymore, but he could feel how his anger was rising. That's why he was surprised when he heard what Paul said, when he spoke. “Yeah, Brian. You should do sports with Nick. I know how much you love being athletic.”
Paul's words sounded good, but his voice sounded much too calm, as if he was just waiting for Brian to say something wrong. He was good at hiding it from the guests. It was only a nuance in the way he sounded that anybody who didn't know the situation would have missed, but Brian knew Paul and his desires. Brian was nearly certain that what Paul said was the complete opposite of what he thought.
Warily, Brian looked back to Paul trying to see in his expression what he was thinking, but whatever it was, he hid it well. He wasn't smiling, but he didn't look angry either.
Whatever Paul really felt, after what he had said, there was no way out of it.
“Alright, we can join a team — together,” Brian said to Nick, trying his best to hide that he felt worried about what was going on in Paul's head.
All Brian wanted was to do right by him, but his reaction confused him; he couldn't really be okay with him and Nick doing sports together. It was against everything he had said to him in the last few days.
Brian didn’t believe Paul, and yet he felt happy about the opportunity he got to play with Nick.
Carefully, Brian gave Nick a smile, before he looked down to his plate. Paul was starting to serve the cake. It was made from a base of sponge cake that was covered with an iced-coffee whipped cream.
“It's not as good as the cakes Brian makes, but I tried my best,” he explained, as he gave everyone a piece. "The biggest piece is for our birthday boy," he added, and put the largest piece of cake down in front of Brian.
Of course he couldn't let the opportunity pass to stuff him, even with his friends around. Brian looked at Paul in silence, but the stare he got was cold. It seemed the talk about doing sports had angered his boyfriend more than he had shown, just as Brian had expected. Brian lowered his head, while Paul served cake to the guests.
Fiona was the first to dig in, not even waiting until everybody had their piece. It was rude, but nobody mentioned it, so Brian was silent as well. He waited until Paul sat down again. Only then did he start to eat.
Brian wasn't really hungry, thanks to Paul keeping him fed throughout the day, but he felt he had to eat at least one piece. He didn't want to anger Paul any more than he already had, and not eating anything would have left the guests looking at him strangely. So, he forced himself to eat.
As he brought the fork to his lips, he felt that Paul was watching him, but he tried to ignore it.
“So, Kev says he’s sorry that he couldn't come, but he has too much paperwork to do,” Alex said, breaking the silence. Brian chuckled, “As usual,” and shook his head.
He could just imagine Kevin sitting behind his desk. Sometimes he wondered if Kevin would eventually drown under all those papers. It was kinda sad, though, if he thought about it. Normally the work Kevin was doing would have been done by a specialist in the German bureaucracy, but the café didn't make enough money to pay one. Brian sometimes worried about Kevin, wondering if he was able to handle all that stress. Hopefully things would get easier soon.
AJ nodded, and a look in his eyes confirmed to Brian that he was worried, too. They didn't need to say anything, and Nick didn't need to know either, since he had just started working with them, after all.
When Rolf opened his mouth, Brian knew their chance to talk about it had passed, anyhow. Paul's older friend started to speak about deep sea fish and what made them so special. His boyfriend — for some reason that Brian couldn't grasp — seemed to be interested in it, but nobody else was. They all just continued to eat the cake, everyone else enjoying it much more than Brian did.
They finished eating while Rolf was still telling his story. Brian looked towards Nick. He had to hold back a giggle as he saw him rolling his eyes, obviously just as interested in what Rolf had to say as Brian. It was evident that fish wasn’t the topic of choice for either of them.
Luckily, Brian thought of a way to escape. Slowly, he started to gather up all the tableware they had used, making it into a neat pile. Then he stood up and picked the pile up.
“I'm going to the kitchen to clean the dishes,” he announced.
“Wait, I'll help you.” It was Nick's voice, obviously waiting for the opportunity to flee as well.
Brian grinned and nodded in acceptance. With quick steps, he walked towards the kitchen, feeling Nick behind him. When they finally reached the room and closed the door behind them, Brian chuckled.
“If I hear one more word about fish, I'm gonna scream,” Nick announced as he stepped up next to Brian at the sink.
“Oh my god! I bet I’m going to dream of the deep sea tonight,” Brian said, still laughing.
Nick joined in the laughter. A moment later he pursed his lips. He was trying to look like a fish and as he released a “Blubb!” sound, Brian laughed even louder.
“So, wait … I'm a monkey,” Brian said, and looked at Nick with a grin, "and you’re a fish?"
Brian looked Nick over. Aside from his face, he definitely didn't look like a fish. As he recalled, he didn't feel like one, either. He wasn’t slimy at all, and his muscles weren’t soft, either. The only thing soft about Nick was the way he touched him.
"If I'm a fish, then I'm a dolphin," Nick proclaimed and put an arm around Brian, placing a hand on his shoulder.
As Nick gave him a half-hug, pulling him sideways up against his chest, Brian bit his lower lip. He could feel all those muscles he had just thought about.
Brian had been in a little bit of pain from being stuffed before, but now he could almost forget about it. Paul was forgotten, his feeding sessions were forgotten. All that mattered now was Nick. As he felt himself blushing, Brian shyly started to clean the dishes.
"You're Flipper, then?" Brian asked, distracted by Nick being so close to him.
The desire he felt to press himself even tighter up against Nick was nearly overwhelming. Brian could just picture himself trailing his fingers along Nick's chest muscles. Brian's heart beat sped up.
Nick chuckled, and Brian noticed his blue eyes examining him. Nick leaned closer to whisper something into Brian's ear.
"It seems like I'm good at flipping your switches, so ja, call me Flipper!" Nick spoke in a voice that was so sultry and seductive that it made Brian’s body tremble.
Since Nick was still holding onto Brian, there was no way that he didn't notice him shuddering. Brian blushed in an ever deeper shade of red and tried to focus on the dishes.
What was he doing here, flirting with another man in the apartment he shared with his boyfriend? It wasn’t what he ought to do, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Nick to leave him alone.
"You’re terrible at joking, you know that?" Brian asked, trying to distract them both from the flirting by making jokes. Nick chuckled and shook his head, removing his arm from around Brian’s shoulders. For now it seemed like he was allowing him to escape.
"I'm German, what do you expec — " Nick started but suddenly fell silent as he was interrupted.
“You two seem to be having fun,” the voice came from the kitchen door; it was Paul.
Quickly Brian turned his head to look over his shoulder. His boyfriend stepped into the room and was looking at them now with suspicion.
“Yeah, what's it to you?” Nick responded, still as confrontational as earlier.
Nick stepped away from Brian and closer to Paul. This was bad. Brian tensed up when he saw the flash of anger in Paul's eyes. Nick had to stop acting like he was; he was lighting up Paul's flame.
“I think you should leave,” Paul said, and pointed at the door behind him now.
“Why? What have I done to offend you so much?” Nick asked with a smirk, challenging Brian's boyfriend.
“Nick!” Brian called out from where he was still standing at the sink, trying to get him to stop, but both men seemed to be ignoring him now.
Brian was scared. Both Paul and Nick were taller than him, and the way they lifted their shoulders made them seem even bigger. Their bodies were tense as they faced off with one another; it looked like they were about to jump at each other at any moment.
Both of them could have been hurt badly if they fought physically. Nick had the broader shoulders, but Paul was a bit taller. Brian didn't want to imagine what would happen if those two started to fight.
They stared at each other with intense hatred. The tension was so thick that Brian could feel it entangling him, cutting off his breathing. He expected this to get violent any second, and, on instinct, he took a few steps backwards.
After seemingly endless moments of silence, Nick smirked and started to leave. As he passed Paul, he made sure to bump his shoulder against him on purpose.
Then, he was gone. Brian felt sad; he didn’t want Nick to leave, but he knew in a way it was his fault. Had he just kept his distance, Paul wouldn't have gotten jealous.
Nick had left him standing alone with Paul, who was now angry, and looking at him.
“Paul, I — ” Brian started, but his boyfriend didn’t allow him to finish.
“Later!” he ordered in a harsh voice, before he left the kitchen as well.
All of a sudden Brian stood alone, left in his sorrows. The wire that had twirled itself around his heart was squeezing it now; his heart had been beating so fast when Nick was there, and now it felt as if it suddenly stopped, it hurt so badly.
He should have known that the two of them meeting would end this way. As much as he tried, Brian couldn't suppress the attraction he felt for Nick and Paul had surely noticed. Nick had also felt a calling to become his knight in shining armor, after he had rightly suspected Paul of hurting Brian. If only Brian would have had a little more self-control. It was his fault that Paul had gotten angry, just as much as it was his fault that Nick had challenged Paul.
Had he been more clear with him, Nick would have stayed away from them, but in his silly infatuation he had sent him the wrong signals. Brian felt it was only his own fault. He had to apologize to both of them, and he had to start with Paul.
It was all that was on his mind for the rest of the party. He kept thinking about it until the last guest had left. Even AJ's confused question about where Nick had gone couldn't pull Brian out of his thoughts. Paul had responded for him and told his best friend that Nick had forgotten an appointment. Of course, it was a lie, but AJ didn't need to know about their altercation. In the end, even Alex had left them and now they were alone again.
Before Brian had the chance to act, Paul left for their bedroom. He didn't even look at him as he went, but Brian still followed.
“Paul!” He called out to his boyfriend, as he came to a stop close to their bed. “I'm so sorry,” he said remorsefully, and reached out to touch Paul's shoulder.
Brian kept his hand there until Paul turned around. To Brian's confusion his boyfriend was smiling and reached out to gently take Brian by the shoulders. Everything seemed to be alright, but only for a second.
Once Paul had a grip on Brian he squeezed his shoulders firmly. The smile faded and was replaced by rage. Immediately, Brian wanted to flee.
“Paul! Stop!” He shouted, trying to snap Paul out of it before anything else happened.
But the anger in Paul had been boiling for too long to be extinguished by just words.
“You want to be pretty, huh?” Paul asked his voice threatening but calm.
He snarled and, before Brian had the chance to react, used all of his strength to hurl Brian up against the mirror on the wardrobe. As he collided with it shoulders first, pain immediately shot through his body. The force was strong enough to knock the breath out of his lungs and a high-pitched cracking sound let him know that the mirror had shattered.
Brian cried out in pain. He had no way to catch his balance and fell on the ground, right on top of the pieces of the mirror. He caught himself with his hands, and he winced as he cut himself on the shards.
Paul stared at Brian as he knelt on the ground. It was as if he was expecting him to say or do something, but Brian was in too much shock to find any words. Instead, he managed to crawl away from Paul.
“You don't want to eat and gain weight for me, huh?” another question by Paul, filled with rage.
Before Brian could get very far, his boyfriend built up some momentum with his foot and kicked his stomach.
The pain that followed was mind-numbing. He had eaten so much and was so full, that the kick made him throw up in the same moment the force of the motion threw him onto his side. He quickly tried to lean forward, trying to not drown on his own vomit. He succeeded, but the motion made him feel dizzy.
Brian was groaning in pain and started to cry. Suddenly the question from the morning was back in his mind. No, this wasn't love. This wasn't what somebody that loved you did. In this moment, he felt so frightened and lost.
He didn't know what Paul would do to him next. His survival instinct kicked in, and as the stench of his own vomit started to fill his nose, Brian tried to roll away despite the pain that was holding his body.
Paul didn't let him get far. He grabbed him by the shoulders again, and pulled him into a standing position.
“And you love to laugh and talk with other men, huh?” His voice was quiet now, but no less angry.
Once he had Brian on his feet, Paul's hands moved to his throat. He started to squeeze firmly, then forced Brian up against the bedroom door. Paul stared deep into his eyes. He was so terrifying; Brian's body was shivering as he gasped, trying to catch any air he could, but Paul's hands left him unable to breath. His eyes widened as he felt the pain in his chest. Panicking, he struggled, trying to get Paul away from him.
"You even let him touch you," Paul said, in a voice painted by anger and disgust.
He was so much stronger than Brian. Paul had him in a firm hold, and no matter how much he struggled, Brian couldn't get free. He had started to worry that this would be his end when Paul suddenly just let go of him, grabbed Brian's waist, twirled him around, and shoved him to the ground.
The sudden rush of air back into his lungs caused Brian to cough and gasp while his boyfriend ran out of the room.
It seemed like that was it, the attack was over, but Brian still felt scared. He didn't know if Paul would come back. Perhaps he had just left to get something with which he could hurt him even more. By now, Brian knew his boyfriend was capable of everything, but he had no strength left to run.
His whole body was shivering, he still felt the pain from being kicked in the stomach and he still felt nauseated from vomiting. As he dragged himself across the ground towards their bed, Brian noticed his hand was bleeding, too. It was just a surface cut, but enough to leave blood spots on the carpet.
It didn't matter now. With the last bit of strength Brian had left he pulled himself onto the bed.
As he lay there on his side, he looked into the emptiness in front of him. Did Paul really love him? In this moment he doubted it, but before he could make up his mind, exhaustion got the upper hand over him, and he drifted into slumber.
Later that night, he woke up when Paul crawled into the bed. Brian immediately felt scared again and tried to get away, but Paul pulled him into a hug, ignoring his whimpers of fear. Brian kept his eyes closed until he noticed there was no further pain coming. His boyfriend had calmed down.
“I'm so sorry, Brian,” Paul whispered and Brian could hear that he was crying. “I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry. I made a mistake. Please, you have to forgive me.” Paul was begging and sobbing.
Brian didn't know what to think. This was not what he had expected. His boyfriend obviously was regretting what he had done and Brian felt sorry for him. He thought again about the way Nick had challenged him; it had been Brian's fault. All of the things Paul had accused him of, they had been true.
When he turned around to face Paul, Brian felt so confused. Paul had to stop hurting him; Brian still felt pain coming from his hand and his stomach. It was true Paul had gone way too far tonight, but he was apologizing.
Brian watched Paul’s sad face in silence. There were so many words he wanted to say, and some of them contradicted one another, but he couldn't bring himself to speak even one.
For a while, he just watched as his boyfriend cried. He still was repeating the phrase “I'm sorry.” again and again. Brian was too confused, and too hurt, to know what to do in that moment. Finally, Paul fell asleep, leaving Brian alone again with the thoughts he had a hard time sorting out. Before he could, sleep came back to him.