Hello Brian. I have seen your texts and I want to let you know, that I'm in Rehab. I got myself some help and I hope you do too. Don't expect me to answer any further texts you write, cause you hurt me. And yet I still love you. That is why I need to stay away from you, because it's the best for me. But I urge you to do what is best for you as well. Try to go to Rehab and change your life. bye, AJ"
Brian had been staring at his phone for minutes. He had not expected to hear from AJ ever again. Not after he had tried to contact him for months without getting any response. When that silence had hit him, he even had called AJ's mom, Denise. That had ended in disaster. She had known everything about their party life and drug escapades and she blamed it all on Brian. Her shouts had forever been burned into his mind: "You were his big brother", "How could you?", "You're a monster, don't you dare calling again!" It were the words of a protective mother and Brian knew that, but it still hurt.
Nobody had been at fault, they had chosen this life for themselves. The drugs brought them joy and opened a beautiful new world to them. AJ had loved their experiments just as much as Brian had.
How things could change. All of a sudden AJ seemed to regret what they had done. Suddenly he acted all high and mighty, saying Brian needed help, implying their drug use was bad. Fuck him. Where had that notion been, when he offered the first Ecstasy pill to Brian? Back then AJ had begged him to take it and now he just turned around like that? What an asshole. What did he even know about him or his drug intake anymore?
Things had changed. In those six months since AJ had left Brian had managed to get away from E and coke. He didn't need those anymore, because he had found something better. A substance so wonderful it made him forget everything bad. Heroin was like that. It made him feel confident and happy with himself. That amazing tranquility it carried through his veins was so unique, he never wanted to miss it again. Of course he had no doubt that he could stop taking it just like he did with E and coke, but right now he didn't want to stop. Nothing had ever made him feel that good. It was so fantastic, that he didn't even mind the fact that the best way to consume it was through injection. The dealer had showed him how to do it properly and ever since Brian hadn't done it any other way.
The only thing bothersome about it was how short it lasted. To keep the high going he had to take it several times a day and it wasn't cheap either. The worst part of it was, that all his savings already had been spent. There was nothing left in his account. Brian had started selling a few of his most valuable possessions, like his golden and platinum records. All that only so he could afford to buy more H. The stuff was worth it. AJ might have thought he needed help, but Brian had never felt better. So what if he needed to sell some of his stuff? What good was a golden or platinum record? They did not feed him, nor did they give him a kick. They were just memories of a time, that hadn't been worth a thing. Here and now he didn't need that. What he needed now was H. For that he needed money.
And when there would be nothing left to sell, he would find another way to get cash. Brian still could sing and he was certain he could make money with that. If he performed songs in the most frequented places in town, people would pay him. So things were good. There was nothing to worry about. AJ should have known that.
"From: Brian Littrell To: AJ McLean
I'm fine Aje. Mind your own business. Sorry I hurt you."
He finally sent a response-SMS. While he was aware AJ wouldn't answer, he still wanted him to know. When the message was sent he looked back up. He was in the club's bathroom, standing in front of a sink and a mirror. It had been only a few moments ago, that he had injected himself with another shot of H. The needle he had used still was laying on the floor close-by. He was feeling good now and he thought he looked it as well. The man he saw in the mirror had lost a few pounds, but it suited him. Brought out his facial structure and people had always loved his facial structure. Brian had also dyed his hair in a brighter blonde tone than before. He still wasn't sure if he wanted to keep it that way or go with red as he originally had planned. The blonde suited him well enough, so he hesitated to change it. All in all he was satisfied with the way he looked. Most people agreed on it, too. He noticed it by the way they stared at him. As Brian pulled away from the mirror and sink he felt elevated. Nothing could touch him tonight.
6 months later: "I never want to hear you say I want it that way!", Brian paused, "'Cause I want it that way!" and finished the song. It had been supposed to be on the Millennium-album. The one the Backstreet Boys had recorded, but whichs release Lou had stopped. Brian wasn't sure if he could get in legal trouble for performing it. Right now he didn't care either. The important part was, that singing it here in a subway station so close to Hollywood made him money. It didn't nearly make enough money, but it was still the most lucrative idea he had come up with. He needed money, he needed it badly, because he needed H. The last time he injected had been a few hours ago. If he didn't want to go cold turkey, he needed to get some Heroin soon. Those withdrawal symptoms were nothing to joke about. When the longing got too big it made him sweat and shiver. Then he felt nauseous and full of pain. He hated when that happened, but sadly with H it oftentimes came far too quickly. At the moment it was still okay, but he could feel it approaching. So after he had finished the song, he started to count the money. As the crowd around him left he counted all the dollar notes they had thrown into his guitar case. He even counted the pennies.
"Darn!", he sighed. This was not enough. People were not in a spending mood today. He had not even made half of what he needed. "Fuck!", he sighed again, then growled. Being focused on the money like that he did not even notice someone approaching him from the side until he heard a deep male voice speak: "You need money, eh?", Brian narrowed his eyes before facing the source of the voice. It was a wealthy looking man in a suit. He had black hair, dark eyes and seemed about ten years older than Brian, but he still was somewhat handsome. The way he looked at him seemed to be full of care and thus Brian softened his expression. "Yeah, I need quite a bit of it actually!", he explained looking up to the guy in suit.
Brian noticed that the man was eyeing his lower right arm. It was obvious, that person knew that Brian was injecting himself with stuff. Suddenly the man smiled: "Well I could help you out!"- "You would?", Brian seemed delighted and the guy nodded in response "How?", at the question that followed the man gestured towards the stairs leading out of the station. "Come with me. I show you!", while the guys words were spoken in a friendly fashion Brian still hesitated for a moment. Going with strangers was always dangerous, but as he thought about it the chance to get money outweighed his fear of possible risk. So he quickly gathered up his guitar case and nodded. "Okay. Uhm, what's your name?", he asked as the man lead him along out of the subway station. "Call me Adam!", he answered as they stepped out into L. A.s night.
For a moment Brian wondered where they were going. He already wanted to ask when Adam suddenly stopped. They didn't make it very far. "We are here!", he announced and Brian looked around. They were in a dark alley between two high-rise buildings. There were fire-ladders hanging on the side of one of those brick structures. The place was very close to the station they had just left, but a wooden-panel-fence hid it from prying eyes.
"What are we doing here?", Brian asked warily making a careful step backwards. Adam smirked as he responded: "I think you know, pretty boy!" Why did he address him like that? It made him feel uncomfortable. All of a sudden he didn't seem so nice anymore. The sound of Adams voice made all of Brian's hair stand up as he shook his head. "What you shaking your head for? You don't know?", Adam asked with a sigh, then spoke on: "Well let me spell it out for you, junkie.", he spoke sharply and Brian hissed at the title he gave him, "You need your fix and I need mine. So let's trade. I give you $300 if you let me fuck you!", Brian gasped when Adam spoke those words. $300? That was a lot of money, he could buy more than one package of H for it. At the same time though those words shocked him. How dare he calling him a junkie, then trying to buy him as a prostitute? It made Brian frown to be treated like that. Part of him wanted to kick Adam in the nuts, before running away, but $300 was a lot of money. To make that much he would have needed to sing for several days. He felt disgusted, that he even considered taking the mans offer and yet he stayed.
As Brian didn't move Adam laughed and stepped closer towards him. A second later he was so close that he could feel the taller mans breath hitting his face. Adam took his chin between the thumb and the index finger of his right hand and grinned. Brian tried to tilt his head away, but he didn't move backwards.
"So it seems we have a deal. You do what I say and then you get the money!", the taller man stared Brian down. For a moment he hesitated fighting with the disgust he felt gathering in his stomach, but then he nodded, slowly dropping the guitar case next to him. He hated that he was agreeing to this. How could it have gotten this far? This was degrading and repulsive. 'Offering your body for money. Well done Brian.', he thought to himself in disgust as Adam pressed him down onto his knees: "Give me a blowjob and for fucks sake look into my eyes. I want to see how I make you feel!", Adam chuckled and Brian knew exactly what he meant. He wanted to see him fall apart. That man got a kick out of it. He had known Brian would not have the strength to deny so much money and he had also known, that he would hate doing it.
It felt terrible to be used like that and as the older man removed his pants and boxers he felt so disgusted. And as Adam pushed his semi-hard cock into the his mouth, Brian noticed how tears were gathering in his eyes. It made him sick as he noticed that his tears only seemed to make the man grow harder. Adam took what he wanted. He grabbed the younger mans hair and pulled his head and mouth up along his shaft. Doing that he took part of Brian's spirit as well. The most sicking part for Brian was, that he did so with his consent. He had allowed that man to do it and that made him feel sick. Thinking about it made him gag, but somehow he was able to hold back on vomiting. With the cock in his mouth he wasn't sure how well that would have ended. He didn't want to risk the man not giving him the promised money either. So he was glad his self-control was strong enough to stop himself from doing more than gagging. He loathed that this reflex only caused his punter to moan loudly.
Why was he doing this? Perhaps he had really underestimated the heroin, but now it was too late. Now he needed it. Now it had lead Brian to cross a line. While he sucked Adams cock, he knew this was only the first man to come. Now that he had agreed on selling his body, he would do so again. There was just too much money to be made like this. Money that would give him H. H that would make him happy again. That drug would make sure he could forget what he did to get it. He couldn't wait for this to be over, so he could run to his dealer.
Another 6 months later:
Over the time Brian had become rather numb. The disgust he had felt the first time he sold his body, had vanished by the time he welcomed his third john. And that had been a while ago. By now Brian had satisfied so many men, that he had lost count. He didn't know how many it had been. It didn't matter either. All that mattered was how much money they gave. Brian had started a housekeeping book some time ago. All his customers were listed there, those he only saw once, his regulars, those that were ugly, those that were pretty, those with names and those without. He took down every detail and always added how much money they gave him.
By now Brian had fees. Anal was $200, S&M $300, a kiss $150 and a blowjob $50, additionally he took $50 per every half hour after the first. That was the amount of money he had found most men were willing to pay. When Adam gave him $300 dollar for a blow job, he had thought there was more money in it. But it seemed like that guy had just wanted him quite badly. Or at least it had been that way. In the beginning Adam had been a regular customer, but recently he had not shown up anymore. It didn't surprise Brian. Adam had enjoyed to see the disgust in his eyes. Now that it was gone, half of the joy he could give to him was gone too. It was not like Brian missed him, but his first customer had always paid him well.
There were others though, like George, who had become his most loyal client. Like Adam he was rich, different to him though he was very gentle. George was an older man in his sixties, who had lived a life full of pleasure. He was a banker and knew all about what made the world go round. The only thing that had always been missing in his life had been love. Like Brian George never had been interested in women and that made things difficult. He had been born in times when being gay was not only frowned upon, but was outright dangerous, even more so than today. For a time he had pretended to be straight, he had even been married. Several times, actually. But all his many marriages had always ended in divorce, because he just couldn't be happy with women. He had finally realized, that he needed men to be happy, but he still was too ashamed of himself, to ever admit it openly. That's why he searched the company of men in secret. That's why he met with prostitutes. Brian surely wasn't his only one, but he knew he was his favorite. George liked Brian so much, that he even allowed him to sleep at his place sometimes. And that was an offer he gladly accepted. A few months ago Brian had given up on his flat. He just couldn't afford it anymore. He needed all money he could get for his drugs. Ever since then he had been living in a shack close to an abandoned rail-station not too far away from Downtown LA. It was not really legal for him to stay there, but if he was careful, the cops wouldn't find out. The place was acceptable for what he needed, but it was anything but luxurious, so he gladly took the opportunity to sleep in a mansion and a real bed, whenever George offered him to stay.
The old man didn't sleep with him. That was not what he was after. For George all that counted was talking and sometimes a kiss. But he was always careful not to make Brian feel uncomfortable. The first time he had paid for a kiss, he had asked several times if it was really okay. It had been a little bit annoying, but also sweet and Brian had grown a liking to George. In a way he felt bad for the man. Sometimes Brian prayed at night, that George would some day find the strength to come out of the closet. And he prayed, that he would then find someone who would truly love him. True love was different than bought love, but Brian tried his best to make George happy. Even though he could not give him true love, he could give him true care.
Today had been another one of those days George had bought him. They had talked for hours and Brian had even sung a song for him. Then George had offered him to stay the night, but even though he enjoyed sleeping in a real bed, Brian knew that today he couldn't. Right now he was way to close to withdrawal. He needed to head to his dealer to get his fix. So Brian gently shook his head: "Not today darling. But you know where to find me.", he said with a smile, then stood up. George had paid him quite a lot again. Brian was holding $350 dollars in his hand and that was more, than George would have needed to pay. Brian truly was his favorite. So it was not surprising, that the old man looked slightly sad, when he decided to leave. Still George lead Brian towards the mansions door. He always did, because he liked to look at him, even as he left. As Brian stepped outside George even waved after him for a while. Only when he had nearly reached the gate did he call out: "Be safe! See you soon." Brian smiled warmly as he heard in those words how much the old man liked him. It was really sweet and made him raise a hand above his head in a means to say good bye. He kept it raised until he heard the door close behind him.
When it did Brian sighed letting the tension fall off of his body. Now George couldn't see him, he didn't need to pretend to be fine anymore. He was anything but, he could feel shivers coming up. So far he still had some self-control left, but he didn't know how long he could keep it up. With determination he made his way through the gate and pulled the phone from his pocket. He had to send his dealer a text, he needed some H, quickly. While he typed as fast as he could, he continued his way through this night in December. Soon he would get his next fix.