Things were difficult. He had not expected, that it would be easy, but looking at what he had found, things were not only hard, they were nearly impossible. Why had he thought, that he could help Brian to begin with? It's not like he was a therapist, a doctor or anything of that sort. And yet he had spoken all confident, that he would find a way to help him. Once again he cursed the fact, that he spoke so often without thinking first. Now Brian expected him to do something and he had nothing to offer.
It wasn't fair, that Brian was the one to get sick and it hurt Nick quite a bit, that it was a possibility, that he would never be able to hear that angelic voice again. Nick could still remember the exact day, when he had first heard Brian sing. It had been one of those days he never could forget. The day it all began, when the Backstreet Boys were born. Nick still remembered how he had felt when that voice reached his ears. In that moment goosebumps had been produced all over his skin and he had not been able to hold back on shuddering lightly. That voice, it had been so great and impressed him so much, that he knew at that moment, Backstreet Boys wouldn't be a success without it. And even though AJ had been a completely amazing singer as well, Nick had always wanted to sing like Brian. He had been his idol in these early days. Not only the singing impressed him, but also how cool Brian was. On top of that he was great at sports too. He even played video games. None of the other guys really had a passion for that. Brian had just simply been the perfect guy and all that Nick had always wanted to be himself.
At the very beginning back then, they had been distant as well. How could anyone be close to someone they idolized as much? He had been afraid of rejection, so he had chosen to stay away and watch from a distance. It would have probably stayed that way if Brian had not noticed his teenage worries. He had been the one that approached young Nick to break the ice. Thinking back of that he could only smirk. He remembered, that he had been just as frozen standing in front of Brian as some fan-girls were today, when they spoke to any of the Backstreet Boys. How silly he must have looked standing there like a statue and looking up to Brian, like he was some kind of a god? Even today thinking back on that occasion resulted in Nick blushing, it had simply been that embarrassing. As they finally had started to talk though Brian turned out to be the nicest guy he ever met and he definitely wasn't as scary as Nick thought he would be. In fact he had been and still was an amazingly funny and great guy. From then on they had spent much of their time together playing basketball and video-games or just simply hanging out. He always had been so much closer to Brian than he was to any of the other guys and they greatly enjoyed becoming the pranksters of the group. At times they had been really annoying to the rest, annoying enough to get nicknames: Frick and Frack, they even had beanies with those names printed on them.
It had been fun and simple times, without worries, when they were young and had not seen, how the world was working yet. How it was grinding on you day by day with things that simply weren't fair. Why was it always Brian that got sick? Nick had been doing so many unhealthy things to himself, but he had gotten away with surface scratches. Brian on the other hand, despite always living a healthy life, had been through open-heart-surgery, the swine-flu and now was hit with those vocal issues. He didn't deserve any of it, his heart was made of gold and yet sickness kept falling upon him like a heavy hammer, it was simply unfair. Then again, this world wasn't fair, it wasn't fair that his sister had died of drugs either. He blamed himself for it, he had been a bad example, living his life on the fast lane. It wasn't fair, that he had survived his expeditions in that area, while she had died. It wasn't fair, that he himself always got away with everything, while everybody around him seemed to suffer.
Brian probably saw it all as a test from god, but Nick wasn't as deep of a believer. If there was a god, why did he need to put them through all that pain? He didn't like tests that involved pain, no matter if they came from heavenly beings or humans. Even if it was a test, in his opinion Brian had suffered more than enough.
It was sad, but Nick was also aware, that staring at the ceiling had never solved any problems. Laying around and thinking about things of the past wouldn't bring him any closer to the goals he had to achieve. If he wanted to change the future he needed to start now and he had already made the first step. Nick had been awake for hours, spending all night doing research on the internet about the condition that Brian had and what he could do about it. Sadly he did not really find anything good. Quite the opposite actually. All the sources he found made him believe there was nothing he could really do for his friend. It was devastating, here he was ready to move mountains and yet that seemed to be impossible. And yet he had promised Brian, that he would figure something out. He had made a promise and he had to keep it, he at least had to try something.
The only thing he thought he could do was to give Brian some mental support. He had read, that Brian's problems were related to the psyche. Nick wasn't sure what exactly that meant and he didn't think he could replace Brian's therapy, but perhaps he could give him a little more confidence if he showed him, that he had his support no matter what. It was close to noon and Brian was about to come visit. Nick had thought for a long time, what he and Brian could do, when he would come visit and finally had decided on playing Mario Kart. They always had done that in the early days, when they had been on tour. It was one of the things, that made his teenage years at least a little bit normal: playing games and forgetting, that they had millions of girls screaming their names. Nick had enjoyed it and he knew Brian had as well. So it was a call-back to those old times he was missing greatly and that was part of why he chose it. He wanted Brian to remember the times, when they were young and the best of friends, cause it were positive memories. He had already prepared the console and the game and was about to start another practice run as he heard a knock at the door. So Brian had kept his promise to show up early. As he stepped towards his door to let his guest in, he took a deep breath. This meeting could go either way and part of him was afraid, that everything would go downhill and Brian and him would end up fighting. Nick didn't want that to happen, but all he could do was trying to be nice. So as he opened the door he spoke with the most gentlest of voices: "Come in!"
Before Brian stepped into the room Nick examined him. He was dressed casual in denim and he at least seemed to be in a good mood. That was something he could build upon, so he gave Brian a smile. "So, you made it!“, Nick stated the obvious, before gesturing at the console and the couch standing in front of it. "I prepared something." Brian blinked a few times as he saw what the younger man had meant, "So, we really gonna play video-games?", oddly enough he had expected, that this was one of the things, that could happen. It was just so typical of Nick, that it was not really a surprise. "Of course we will and I'm gonna beat the heck out of you.", a challenge spoken so lightly caught his attention for sure. Brian knew Nick was good at this, but he also knew, that he wouldn't let him win easily.
He had been quite good at games himself in his younger years. Perhaps he had become a bit rusty, but he would not know if he didn't try. So he moved to the couch and took a seat, grabbing one of the SNES controllers. "And here I thought you would have found a solution to my problem, when all you wanted is playing games.", he said, chuckling, but sounding a little bit sarcastic and quite bitter making Nick furrow his eyebrows. "Yeah, we will play games and we will talk. Rome wasn't built in a day, Brian.", and as Nick spoke, he sat down next to him. He would have loved to just have a solution to the problem at hand, but life never was as easy. At least he had tried and he still would keep on searching to find a way to help him. To Nick's dismay Brian on the other hand seemed to be pessimistic.
"It's more about finding Atlantis, than building Rome.", the words Bri spoke didn't make it any better. "Listen Brian, if you keep talking like that I might just start calling you Old Grumpy-Pants.", Nick shot the smaller man a look, before huffing and looking towards the TV Screen. Brian already was picking his driver, Toad as usual. Nick preferred to pick Yoshi, so he did before speaking on: "Yes, perhaps I spoke too soon about figuring something out, or perhaps you are just being impatient.", Brian seemed skeptical, „You know how I sound...“, he spoke bitterly and let his shoulders fall low, "Hard to be optimistic if you hear you voice crack even if you are just speaking." Nick sighed, he could understand that, but he just did not want to accept Brian giving up on fighting. Knowing how sad Brian had been, when they met the day before, the pessimism didn't come unexpected, but Nick wouldn't let Brian loose himself in it.
„Yeah I know how you sound, but I also know how you sounded in the past. And I want that voice back idiot, I'm a fucking egoist...“, and he would poke his finger onto Brian's forehead, who in turn started to blush. As Nick noticed that he pulled his hand back again, that was not the reaction he had been going for and he didn't understand it at all. For a moment he was confused and didn't know what to do. Why did Brian blush all of a sudden? Brian gave him a shy look. He definitely seemed embarrassed. Maybe that was it. Or maybe he was just afraid? Whatever it was, it didn't seem like Brian wanted to talk about it, since he turned his head away trying to hide the redness of his cheek. Nick respected that choice, he didn't plan on forcing Brian to do anything he didn't want.
So instead of asking questions, he just started the first race. Mushroom Cup was the easiest of them all, the very first challenge. "I know, that I can't force you to be optimistic. I just want you to try. Don't dwell on what isn't good, think about the future." When the race started Nick focused on the task, starting to lead the race pretty quickly, he didn't look at Brian, but couldn't help thinking about him. His friend was silent too, obviously taking in the words that had been spoken. He was listening and that was good, but he still had a hard time getting out of his mood. "The future is what scares me Nick.", Brian looked at Nick just for a second letting the TV screen out of his sight, not long enough to give room to mistakes. When he looked back he noticed, that he had gathered a red shell, which he immediately used. When that shell hit Nick, causing him to spin, the taller blonde huffed, "And you shouldn't be scared. Nobody knows what the future will bring. The only reason you are afraid of it is because you expect the worst to happen.", it were wise words that Nick spoke, but Brian despite knowing they were right, had a hard time following through with what they demanded.
"Let's put on some music, okay?", he finally spoke distracting from the subject, because he did not have anything positive to say about it. Brian let go of the controller in that moment, seemingly giving up. "What? You just let me win? That's no fun, Bri.", Nick sighed, he had just crossed the finish line, but there was still another lap to go. "Yeah I don't feel much like playing Mario Kart right now.", and Nick would watch as Brian stood up from where he was seated and walked over to the stereo standing on Nicks side-table. "Seriously, who still has a CD-Player in this time and age?", Brian chuckled for a moment, then pushed the play button.
Nick sighed and turned the Nintendo off, before standing up and walking over to Brian. As he came closer Linkin Park started to blare out of the speakers. He had always been a fan of their music, but he wasn't sure what his band-mate thought of them. The song playing was called 'In the End'. The song fit Brian's situation so well, Nick had listened to it, when he had been doing research. As the song played his friend was silent, just listening. There was some rap and there was some singing, not so far off from some the early Backstreet Boys songs, but the guitar riffs and the drums were much harder. It was a loud song, but Nick liked it. Music always evoked emotions and those heavy songs hit him even harder.
Nick was about to say something, when Brian suddenly started to sing along. He sure loved music, whenever he thought of a song he had to put it into a melody. But after a moment, the voice cracked again making him fall silent. When Brian turned around Nick could see his pained expression: "It hurts. Did you know that?", he put his hands to the throat that had disappointed him yet again and Nick could see tears glistening in his eyes. He had not known that. While he was aware, that the illness made his friends voice sound bad, he didn't know, that it caused pain whenever it happened. So as Brian told him so, he was surprised and immediately got an urge to hug Brian. There were not many words he could speak to make it better, any of them would have felt empty. The only thing that kept him from following through with his urge, was that Brian turned his back to him once again, eyeing the stereo playing the music. He was listening to the song, to each and every word of the lyrics, that created the story.
"I tried so hard and got so far But in the end it doesn't even matter I had to fall to lose it all but in the end it doesn't even matter.“, this song was so fitting. He always had tried to be at his best, had always tried to move forward for himself and for the group and indeed they had gotten so far. But did it really not matter? He looked at Nick and shook his head, he didn't like this and the next line was pushing an invisible knife into his heart, he had fallen, he lost it all, but really. Brian reached out an arm to put the stereo on pause:
"Does it really not matter Nick? Does it not matter to you? Does it not matter to me? The lyrics, that's what they are saying.“, he frowned and looked angry at Nick, who was surprised by the questions and silenced for the moment. He had to think for a while before answering, because he had not thought about it before. When he finally spoke he made it a point to look into Brian's eyes "In fact that is just it: everything you lost it really doesn't matter Brian.", instead of helping him though, that answer felt to Brian like someone had smacked him right in the face. Hearing Nick speak like that, it hurt.
„Maybe my vocal issues don't matter for you. But they DO matter for me, Nick.“, he moved closer and spoke quite loud and agitated. Nick was unfazed. „It shouldn't. Fuck it! If you fell, just stand up again. If you lost it all, just gain it back.“, he was really staring into Brian's eyes now and tried to get his message across.
For a moment it seemed like they were about to go at each others throats, Brian was clenching his jaw and Nick had put his shoulders up in quite an aggressive stance, but then Brian fell back.
"You are right...", Brian looked defeated. He was facing the ground, avoiding his gaze. "I know I have to fight and stay positive. It is just...", he paused and looked into the emptiness for a few seconds: "It's just, that every time I speak or sing I feel the pain in my throat and then I hear myself speak, sounding like a grandpa. I want to fight, but this thing keeps pushing me down. Sometimes it feels hard, to even go on like this at all." His expression was dark and Nick was shocked to hear him speak like that, "But Brian, you can't give up. Please, if you feel down like that come to me.", he put a hand on Brian's shoulder and finally pulled him into a hug. It felt like the right thing to do, to hold his friend and assure him that he could rely on him and as he put his arms around Brian, he could feel how his tension fell off his shoulders. "Whatever you do, don't give up. Keep Fighting.", as Nick spoke he thought of the worst case scenario.
It was a horrible thought. "Let's try to lighten up, okay?", and as he spoke those words he released Brian from the hug and smiled towards him. Before Brian could respond anything Nick put the music back on: "Let's try to play some more Mario Kart, okay?", and he moved back towards the console, coaxing Brian to join him. Eventually he did and Nick started the game back up, while the music was still sounding through the room. Now they would play.
Several hours later, it felt like they had heard 'In The End' a few thousand times. Nick was grinning, he had defeated Brian in Mario Kart, as he had promised. But what he was happy about was not only his victory, but also and mainly, that his plan had worked out. Brian's mood had improved quite a lot. They had not fixed his issue, but at least they had spent time together. Brian had remembered the old days, without worries and had allowed himself to be just a little bit happier. He still would need to deal with his issue for a long time and it was nothing Nick could help him fix, but at least his friend could help him to have a better attitude about it.
"You did a good job. But nobody can beat the Trackmaster.", Nick teased his older friend, being silly and acting all prideful. "But don't be sad, you may not be the best, but you are still better than AJ.", he smirked. It was true, Nick had played with AJ before. Compared to him Brian was a world champion. They both knew that and so they chuckled.
"Thank you Nick. I had fun. Actually wished it would have lasted longer.", it really had been an enjoyable experience. It had felt good to be around Nick and it had felt good to play games with him. Actually Brian couldn't remember the last time, he did have this much fun. It probably had been many, many years ago, before his problems started. "Will we repeat it?", he leaned his upper body forward lightly, putting his face closer to Nick, who nodded in a response. "Sure, but next time in your room!", and he winked, before putting a hand to Brian's chest.
At first Brian didn't think much of it, but then Nick grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to whisper something into his ear: "But for now I'm gonna take you to my bed. As payment for making you feel better."
Those words shocked Brian, he wasn't actually sure if Nick was being serious, but those words drew pictures into his mind. "W-what are you talking about?", Brian sounded agitated and he pushed Nick away, much more forcefully, than he had actually planned on doing, forcefully enough to make his friend stumble and fall onto the ground. Forcefully enough to cause Nick's bum to hurt.
He groaned up in pain. He had fallen hard on his butt and was now staring at Brian in disbelief. Now it was Nicks turn to look shocked, he didn't understand Brian's harsh reaction, "I was just joking!", he mouthed, still not believing what just happened, it hurt and it was hurting in more than one way. Brian had never caused him pain before, most certainly not on purpose, so this was a first and since he could not even grasp why, the shock of it all went deep into his heart. "You hurt me!", he tasted every one of these three words on his lips as he spoke them out and he didn't dare to move a bit.
By now Brian regretted pushing Nick. He had not planned on hurting him, but in that moment he had acted in an instinct, the pictures that came to his mind, he didn't want them. Now as Nick was giving him that look he felt his stomach turn. He felt like a monster. He would have hunted down any person, who just did as much as pulling Nicks hair and now he had been the one, who had caused him pain. Especially after a day like this, where he had done so much to try and help him, that felt terrible. "I'm sorry!", it was really all he could say, looking to the ground, he really felt sorry, but he also felt Nick getting angry, felt him staring and scowling at him. All he really could think of doing was to flee and so he did just that, muttering a quick: "I better go.“, before downright running out of the room, leaving Nick sitting dumbfounded on the ground. Why did everything so good, always need to end like this? It was all his fault and as Brian finally made it back into his own room, he threw himself onto his bed to let the emotions get the better of him.