Slowly, Brian made his way back downstairs. With the pain from his lower back returning, he wanted to be careful to avoid hurting it. While it wasn't as bad yet as it had been that morning, it was still hurting.
As Brian reentered the kitchen, he took a deep breath. It was an attempt to ease the rising pain, but it only succeeded in giving him a little control over himself, and that was something. It was at least enough to keep himself from looking like a whimpering fool, and that was good, because he didn't want to seem weak now that he had to face AJ again.
Alex hadn't started working on the New York cheesecake, but he had prepared a bunch of baking sheets that carried all kinds of sweets, so Brian could take them to the front to put them on display.
None of those cakes and confections had been made today, but Brian knew that AJ had checked them for freshness and quality before putting them onto the sheets. It was normal business. Of course they baked some new sweets every day, but they couldn't just throw away what they made the day prior. That would have been wasteful and irresponsible. It was important that they were responsible with their resources.
Sometimes, when their creations were still edible, but too old to sell, they made small bags for food assistance centers, so they could give them out to the poor. A few times, they even sent freshly made confections there. It was something that made Brian happy, because it felt like the right thing to do. He didn’t want to close his eyes to the people suffering on the streets, that wouldn't be a Christian way to act.
As Brian lifted the first sheet, Alex raised his head and called out to him. “Oh, you're back,” he said, only noticing Brian’s presence now. Brian just had to smile at that. It was not like he had sneaked in, but it was not the first time AJ had been so caught up in his work that he had shut out the whole world around him.
The smile faded quickly though, when he once again felt the stinging pain from his back. He squeezed his hands into loose fists to keep himself from showing any signs of suffering.
AJ didn't seem to notice the pain, but Brian saw curiosity in his expression. “Who was the blond guy?”
Alex's question hit Brian like a truck, causing him to widen his eyes. “You saw us?” he asked in return, unable to hide the surprise in his voice. Did he know?
AJ nodded.
“I heard someone shout, so I wanted to know what was going on. I mean you could have been in some kind of trouble,” his best friend explained, while patting the cookie crust for the cake he was making into the springform pan.
AJ seemed so calm, but Brian felt quite the opposite. Tension rose in all of his bones when he thought about what Alex could have seen or heard. There were so many things he didn't want him to know. Most of all, he hoped that he hadn’t heard Nick accusing Paul of hurting him; if he had, AJ might become suspicious. Then Brian would have needed to explain himself somehow, and that would have been hard, because he couldn't tell the truth.
None of them would understand the truth that his boyfriend wasn't a bad person; he had just made a mistake. He would never do it again; Paul had promised, but Brian’s friends wouldn't believe him.
Brian looked down at the baking sheet in his hands, while he was trying to come up with something to say. AJ beat him to it. “I saw the way that guy hugged you. Who is he?” AJ asked.
Brian didn't know how to feel about the question. Part of him was relieved that Alex hadn’t heard what they had been talking about, but the rest of him was nervous, because remembering the hug made him blush.
He couldn't help it. That hug had been really intimate, the way Nick had nuzzled up to him. Brian still could feel where their bodies had touched; it had felt so comforting.
“Brian, hey, say something. You're not cheating on Paul, are you?” Alex’s voice was getting a bit louder now that he had to ask again. The reproachful sound of his voice was enough to snap Brian out of his daydream.
“What? No, Aje,” he said, and shook his head before finishing the sentence, “I'd never cheat on Paul; I love him. I thought you knew that?”
Brian narrowed his eyes and spoke loudly, channeling a little bit of his pain into anger. It hurt to hear AJ speaking that way, but the problem was that he had hit the mark.
Wasn't what he was doing with Nick cheating?
They had gotten so close in only a few days, and Brian felt undeniably attracted to him. He had even dreamt about Nick under the shower. He still felt guilt for these emotions; it was emotional cheating.
Brian felt like AJ had seen right through him, and he couldn't allow his best friend to think he was a cheater. Even if he felt enchanted by Nick, Brian was determined to break the spell. He had to be loyal to Paul; his boyfriend didn't deserve to be treated like that. His plan was to stay away from Nick — somehow.
It wasn’t very Christian to fall to the temptations of lust, either. And it was just lust that he was feeling, wasn't it?
“Nick is … ” Brian started, then hesitated for a moment, unsure how to put it. If things had been different, he would have loved to call him a friend, but he couldn't do that now. “ … just a guy I met a few days ago. He's a great singer and wants to work here in the café,” he finished, while turning his head to look down.
It hurt.
Nick wasn't just some guy. He had made him feel so happy when they went to that abandoned building. The problem was not the happiness, but the adoration Brian felt for him, still felt for him. It was wrong.
So it hurt to say it, but it was the way it had to be.
“Ah, okay. The café could really use a singer,” AJ said and nodded to Brian's explanations. “I am just a bit surprised. I mean, the way that kid hugged you, you should be careful with him. Make it clear to him that you have a boyfriend!” Alex continued on, in a slightly scolding tone.
As AJ spoke, Brian once again looked down at the baking sheet in his hands.
It wasn’t surprising that AJ worried about him and Paul. Before Brian had met his boyfriend, AJ already knew him. In fact, it had been Alex that invited Paul to come to the café in the first place. Alex had played matchmaker after he had met Paul through his girlfriend. Alex's girl and Paul had been to school together and when they met each other again at a party, AJ found out that Paul was gay and single and thus his plan to set him up with Brian began.
It was almost comically how easy it had been.
Brian had been so lonely back then, and totally stressed out. He had needed someone like Paul, someone who took some of the burden off of his shoulders, and Paul had needed someone like Brian, someone that was sweet and caring, someone to protect. Since their relationship had started thanks to AJ, he always was worried about their happiness.
“Don't worry Aje, he knows,” was all Brian said in response.
There were more words that he could have said, but he didn't think they would have helped. He could have told him that he wasn't sure of Nick's intentions, despite having told him about Paul, but that would have only worried AJ, and without a good reason, so he left it at the words he had said.
He couldn't really gather his thoughts properly, anyhow. The pain was getting worse and standing in the same spot was getting more difficult by the second.
As the pain flared up again, Brian took another deep breath. “If you don't mind, I'll go prepare the displays,” Brian said, and without hesitation pushed out through the kitchen door.
There was no way he could have kept standing where he had been any longer. His lower back felt like it housed a burning fire that flowed through his nerves. Had he stayed, he wouldn't have been able to hide his pain.
AJ would have noticed, and then he would have asked questions, questions he didn't know how to answer. While he had thought about an excuse for his lip, there wasn’t one for his back. The pan story wouldn't work, so in order to prevent any questions and to distract himself, Brian had decided to move, but there was no relief, as he reached the front counter.
Finally out of AJ's sight, Brian hurried to the counter to put the baking sheet down. His eyes fell closed, then he groaned quietly; his suffering was so bad. If only he had taken the painkillers with him, but he hadn’t expected it to get worse. Brian had thought that taking one pill would have been enough to carry him through the day, but he had been wrong. Now there was nothing he could do about it, and he still had a full day of work ahead of him. He just had to push through it, somehow. As he opened his eyes again, he tried to focus on his job. Piece by piece, he started to fill the display with confections. The first sheet he had brought out carried different kinds of chocolate. They were finely prepared and filled with different kinds of crème. His favorites were filled with milk crème and hazelnut pieces. They were really tasty, and he sometimes made them at home as well. They were called 'Hazelnut Kisses'.
Brian prepared the display case, carefully to put the kisses in the right light. He took his time with it, especially since the pain was making it hard to concentrate.
He only stopped when he saw the reflection of a person in the glass: a customer. Brian raised his head. “Good morning, sir. We just opened, but you can make your order with the help of our menu,” he said, trying to sound as cheerful as he could, while he touched the stack of menus on the counter.
The man he was talking to smiled, but shook his head. He was quite good looking, long hair framing a tanned face. He had Mediterranean features. Brian guessed he was from Spain or at least had some Spanish ancestors.
“No, I'm not here to buy something. I'm looking for Nick. He told me he would be here.” It only took these few words for Brian to feel skeptical about the stranger.
“Who are you?” The question left his mouth before he was able to really think about it. “My name is Howie. So is Nicky here?” he responded with a smile.
Brian frowned. He remembered Nick mentioning Howie; he was his friend, the friend that held him back from speaking to Brian right away. The friend Brian suddenly wondered about. He had called him “Nicky.” How close was he to Nick?
“I'm sorry, but I ...” Brian started to explain, ready to shoo him out of the café to wait outside, but before he could finish the sentence, he heard someone call from the stairs.
“Howie! You made it!” It was Nick, and he sounded truly excited.
Brian could only watch as he hurried down the stairs to hug that “Howie” guy. Hug him. Tightly. Perhaps even lovingly. Where he had been skeptical about “Howie” before, now Brian felt jealous. Even though he knew he shouldn't feel that way, he couldn't help it.
Nick should have been hugging him. No, no. He shouldn't hug him, but he wasn't supposed to hug anyone else, either. It sucked. There — right in front of him! — that Spanish guy was getting all the loving Brian wanted, but simply couldn't have.
It hurt, a pain that was just as bad as the one coming from his back, if not worse.
Worst of all was the fact that there was nothing he could do about it. How could he tell someone that he wasn't even supposed to feel attracted to that he wasn't allowed to hug somebody else? It wasn't Brian's right to do that.
It was all he wanted to say, but he couldn't. All he could do was to watch with his eyes wide open, watch it like it was a car accident happening right in front of him that he couldn't pull his eyes away from.
“I got the job,” Brian heard Nick say as he squeezed the Spanish guy a bit tighter.
That was trouble.
So, he would start working at the café and, from now on, he would be there every day. Did that mean Nick's Spanish boyfriend would be there every day, too?
That thought made Brian feel angry. Had Nick just been playing with him, when he had called him “monkey?” When he had said that he was cute, had that been a lie to make fun of him? Was he just a toy in some game all along, when in truth Nick already had a boyfriend?
It was inevitable that his mind traveled to what being with Nick on Valentine's Day had lead to. As he thought about the punishment Paul had given him, just because he in his silly heart had fallen for a guy that already had a boyfriend, it all became too much. Suddenly, it was as if the ground he was standing on was being pulled away from under him, and the agony coming from his lower back became unbearable. The pain was getting mixed up with the stinging jealousy he felt in his heart.
He had to get away from there, so with quick steps he hurried back into the kitchen, breathing heavily.
It didn't matter right now if AJ saw the state he was in, he just couldn't be close to Nick. He had to get away.
When the kitchen door closed behind him, he let go of the tears, and allowed himself to drop to the ground. “Everything alright, Rok?” Even though AJ's question reached Brian's ear, he didn't respond.
Nothing was alright. The emotional pain was bad, but even worse was that the physical agony was pumping up into his head now. Both mixed up in a terrible cocktail of feelings, one he wasn't able to cope with. He bent over and sobbed, as his eyes fell closed. His suffering became mind-numbing, and the world around him got blurry.
“Brian!” He heard AJ's distressed voice next to him, just before he felt his best friend's arms around him.
Alex took him and tried to put him into a more relaxed position. He meant well, but in the process he touched Brian's back, causing him to scream in pain. In shock, AJ let him drop again.
“Brian, what's wrong?” AJ's voice was filled with panic now.
Everything was wrong, but Brian couldn't say that; he couldn't talk about all the confusing thoughts that were clouding his mind, that didn't even make sense to him. Brian couldn't even explain the pain he was feeling. He had promised Paul not to tell anyone how it happened, and he would keep his promise.
At least the wave of intense pain vanished as quickly as it had come. Of course, he still felt agony from his back and from his heart, but it eased up just a little. Enough for him to regain a bit of self-control.
“N-Nothing … Aje. I'm fine,” he said to his best friend, an obvious lie.
Alex looked at him in disbelief and was about to say something, when the kitchen door opened and distracted him.
It was Nick.
“What happened?” Nick asked.
Brian guessed that he had heard him scream from outside of the kitchen. As Nick knelt down next to him and tried to pull him into a hug, Brian put his hand up in an attempt to push him away.
“Shouldn't you be with Howie?” he couldn't help but ask, the words dripping with jealousy. They caused Nick to blink and shake his head, giving up on the hug for the moment.
“No, I'm worried about you. I heard your scream; what happened?” Nick asked, and leaned back again to look at Brian. He examined him for a moment, before he turned to face AJ.
Alex shrugged, and both of them looked back at Brian. “Don’t say it’s nothing; you're in pain, Rok,” Alex said, stating the obvious.
“Brian! What has he —” Nick started but, Brian knowing he would blame Paul, quickly interrupted him.
“AJ has done nothing,” he said, trying to distract from the fact that Nick had been talking about Paul. “I fell down the stairs, and I guess hurt my back when I did.”
It was the worst kind of excuse, but it was the only excuse he could come up with. AJ seemed to believe him, but Nick furrowed his eyebrows. He was about to say more, but Brian faced him directly, staring at him, and shaking his head. Nick closed his mouth again, but he kept looking at him, full of worry.
“We should call a doctor!” AJ broke the silence and took out his phone.
“No, Aje, please!” Brian immediately protested.
"Call 112!" Nick demanded, ignoring Brian.
For a moment, AJ looked from one to the other as if he was thinking about what he should do. "You can't seriously be thinking of calling the emergency services, Aje. Please don't make this more dramatic than it has to be." Brian pleaded, but his best friend dialed and put the phone to his ear.
“C'mon, Brian, you can't even move! Someone has to have a look at you and quickly so.” Nick's words were spoken with determination, as if he was trying to push them into Brian’s brain.
Brian just stared at him. He was trying to think about things he could do or say to stop this, but there were none. Nick had spoken the truth. He could barely move without the pain becoming strong enough to cut off his breathing.
He stayed silent and watched Nick as he slowly moved around him. When Nick stopped moving at a spot behind his back, Brian sighed. He knew what Nick wanted to do before it happened, but he didn’t stop him. As Nick slowly pulled his shirt out of his pants and revealed the spot on his lower back, Brian closed his eyes.
A gasp escaping Nick's lips revealed to him that the spot was visibly wounded, and a painful hissing sound coming from AJ's direction confirmed it.
“Fuck, Brian! That's some serious bruising there,” Nick said, the tone of his voice somewhere between anger and sadness. He immediately leaned in to whisper into Brian’s ear, “You can't go back to that guy.”
The words made Brian tense up, and he turned to face Nick. Once again he shook his head, but this time Nick's expression didn't change. He had spoken silently enough that AJ hadn’t heard it, and since his best friend was busy calling the doctors, he had not noticed Nick leaning close either, but what Nick said bothered Brian.
“It was an accident,” Brian responded, using words that could be related to falling on the stairs also. The words caused Nick to sigh and shake his head in disappointment.
“I can't really help you, if you don't want to be helped,” he said, as he let Brian's shirt drop again. Once again Brian felt hurt, this time because of Nick's reaction. But why?
He should have been glad that Nick gave up going after Paul, but that disappointed look he was giving him made Brian feel like someone grabbed his heart and squeezed it. He felt like he had done something bad, when in fact all he had done was to defend his boyfriend.
For a moment, he just kept looking at Nick in silence. Their eyes met, but this time it didn’t make him feel warm. This time, he felt like those eyes were judging him. It was not a good feeling.
Brian didn't know how to deal with it, so he reacted on instinct. He narrowed his eyes in defiance. Nick didn't have the right to be disappointed with him, he knew nothing about him or Paul.
“I don't need your help,” Brian said
He tried to pull away from Nick, but he didn't let him. As soon as Brian started to move, Nick leaned forward and pulled him into a hug.
“It's alright; I know,” he whispered into Brian's ear.
Once again, he had done it; Nick had managed to break down all of Brian's defenses. As those arms closed around him, Brian just couldn't help it, all the tension fell off of his body and any thoughts about the pain he felt seemed unimportant. Being held like that by Nick, all Brian could feel was warmth.
It felt so comforting to lay in Nick’s arms. As he lost himself, Brian allowed his head to drop against Nick's chest. He could hear Nick's heart beating, calm and steady. Slowly he closed his eyes and started to relax.
“An ambulance is on its way. It should be here in five minutes. I’ll go get Kevin!” AJ said too quickly, but even those words weren’t enough to snap Brian out of Nick's spell.
He had lost his self control, the inner strength to push Nick away.
Nick caring for him like this, holding him so close, it was overwhelming and the pain had already weakened him. Brian knew he should still stay away from Nick, but he couldn't. He didn't want to. All he wanted was to stay in his arms. Luckily, it seemed like Nick wasn't planning on letting him go anytime soon.
How he lay in Nick's arms might have looked a little bit suspicious, but Brian was too distracted to see or even care about AJ's reaction. Right now, when he was suffering so much and Nick holding him was the only thing making him feel better, Alex didn't exist for Brian.
It was a simple, protective hug, and yet it seemed like there was more behind it. Brian didn't know what to think about that. Only when Kevin entered the room did Nick let go of him. Brian groaned as he did, because the sudden movement caused the fire in his back to flare up again.
It felt so strange, too. Suddenly no-one was holding him; it was as if he had fallen out of a very warm and comfy bed. Brian had not expected to feel so cold just because Nick's arms were gone, but he did. Reality slowly started to come back to him, and he didn't like it. With it came all of his sorrows, starting with the fact that he once again had fallen under Nick's spell, and ending with him noticing Kevin's shocked expression.
“How are you doing, Bri?” his cousin asked, but kept standing by the door. “AJ told me you’re hurt. He's waiting outside for the ambulance.”
Brian looked up at him and sighed. It seemed like everybody working in the café was worried about him now. He hated it; he didn't want to be a bother to anyone. Still, there was nothing he could do; the pain was still pretty bad, more now that Nick wasn't holding him anymore and there wasn’t any distraction.
“I'm fine, Kev,” he said trying to calm his cousin, who just shook his head.
“You are not fine. Why would you come to work when you’re injured?” Kevin scolded him.
“I didn't think it was that bad, Kev,” he answered, looking down.
It was the truth, but he still felt kind of ashamed. Had he stayed at home, he could have avoided this situation, and nobody would have needed to call an ambulance. It was too much drama, and all because of him. It made Brian feel bad.
“Oh, Brian,” Kevin started, his voice a bit warmer now, “when will you finally start taking care of yourself? I don't want to see you at work again before you feel all better. AJ told me you have some serious bruising. Is that true?”
Brian shrugged at that question. He couldn't really see his back, so he couldn't give a proper answer. “I don't know.” he said,
“Yeah, it's pretty bad.” Nick responded, as he lifted Brian's shirt again. As Kevin saw the wound, he shook his head.
“Bri, you really need to take better care of yourself.” His cousins words were filled with sorrow. “I want you to get better. See the doctor and follow his advice, even if that means you have to take a few days off.”
“But ...” Brian tried to protest.
“No, Brian I'm serious.” Kevin didn't allow him to back talk, making it pretty clear that he had made his choice.
All Brian could do was to sigh and lower his head. He didn't want to stay at home; he loved his job, but Kevin as his boss had the final say, so there was nothing he could do. Paul wouldn't like it.
As his thoughts drifted back to his boyfriend, Brian became worried. The ambulance had been called; he would need to stay at home. Both things meant that Paul would find out that his friends had seen his hurt back, and Brian hoped he wouldn't get angry. After all, he had still kept his promise not to tell anyone how it had happened, but everyone knew he was wounded now. That wasn't exactly what Paul had wanted.
There wasn’t much time to think about it, though, because the kitchen door swung open again. Two men stepped quickly inside and took positions on either side of him. The medics had arrived.