Routine. It felt oddly easy to settle back into it. His surgery had not been so long ago, four months was not a lot, but Brian had rarely any time to dwell. Being in a boyband meant having a strict and demanding schedule. When they weren't performing in concerts, they were giving interviews. When they weren't giving interviews, they were practicing. When they weren't practicing, they were writing and recording new songs. There was no time to be sick for long. It had been a bit of a wonder, that he had been allowed to take a break for surgery at all. They would not have had him get it, had it not been for his stubbornness. Of course nobody had known, how severe his issue really had been. Just a tiny hole, that was what they had thought. Still he had been worried about it. Having any heart surgery always meant a risk and then things had turned out to be worse than expected. At the hospital the doctors had found a second hole much larger than the first. One that really had been life threatening. How could he have known? If he would have, he never would have agreed on postponing surgery for so long. Luckily he had finally decided to put his foot down, no small thanks to Nick, who had been constantly nagging with him.
Nick. There was his other problem. His boyfriend or perhaps ex-boyfriend. He actually wasn't sure. Brian had not really ended things with him, he just had said he needed time. But maybe saying that he needed time meant that things were over? He didn't want them to be over. And yet, he felt hurt. Hurt that Nick had not been there, when he had needed him the most. He had always thought, that their love was special, that their bond was unbreakable. But the one time, when he had needed him, he had not been there. Ever since then doubts had started to cloud his mind.
Did Nick really care for him as he said? Why then had he not come?
When he had confronted his lover about it, Nick had tried to give him an explanation. It had been obvious, that he regretted his decision to stay away, but still it felt so hard to forget having been abandoned like that. He had felt so alone. Nobody had been there to care for him. Nobody to talk to. There had been all those worries clouding his mind, that he would have loved to talk about. The risk of dying had really scared him. It had been so hard to bear. If only he could have spoken to someone he trusted, someone that could have taken away his fears. But nobody had cared. Kevin had been the only one to come, but only after surgery. And then as he had entered the room, he had just been standing there awkwardly in silence for a while. Not that it got any better when he finally spoke, because all he asked was, when Brian would come back to continue the tour. That had hurt. No question, how he was doing. No words of comfort. Just business talk. Was that all that mattered now? Was that all he was? A singer in their band? Someone they needed to stay successful? Did they just care for his voice and not for him or his well-being? And while the words had still been lingering in his mind, Brian had felt the anger rise. Had he not still been attached to an IV bag, he probably would have jumped up. Instead he shouted, he shouted as loud as he possibly could, telling Kevin to leave. His cousin had tried to protest, but Brian had not allowed it. All the words his cousin tried to speak were drowned by his shouting and he didn't stop it until Kev had left the room. But the pain his words had caused stayed and had not left him since.
Now he was back with the group, but it was hard to just forget all those hurt feelings. Worst of all, was that everybody tried to act, as if nothing had happened. As if he had not been to the hospital at all. Of course Howie, AJ and Kev had welcomed him back, they had even said how glad they were to see him again, but seconds later, they had already been talking about their next concert. Brian had played along, had tried to ignore how weird it felt to just act as if nothing had happened. With those three, he could do that. Even though it hurt and even though he still was angry with them, he could pretend he wasn't. With Nick it was different, because he loved him too much. He still did, but at the same time he feared, that Nick didn't feel the same way. Him not showing up in the hospital had evoked so many doubts in him. Brian simply could not look at Nick anymore without thinking about that. And that was the reason, why Nick was different. With him it was impossible to pretend, that everything was fine.
The sudden sound of footsteps approaching pulled Brian away from his thoughts. He was not happy to hear them, for he had chosen this spot, because it was so secluded. After all the couch here in the back was usually the least frequented spot on their tour bus. Here he had hoped to be left alone to stare at passing cars and to make up his mind about all those things that had happened. And now somebody was walking towards him.
As Brian pulled his eyes away from the window, he noticed AJ approaching him. Great. Just what he had needed. Alex loved to talk. A lot. Brian was not really in the mood for that. And he made sure, that AJ noticed that as well: "Anything I can do for you?", he muttered more than actually speaking up, focusing his eyes sharply on the younger man. Brian was truly pissed at AJ, not only for abandoning him just like the rest of the group, but also because over the last weeks he had spent so much time with Nick. Ever since Brian and him had parted ways, his young blonde love seemingly had tried to find comfort with Alex. That it was now somebody else, that his lover had decided to hang out with left Brian burning with jealousy. He tried to hide that emotion, but he wasn't really good at it. "Shouldn't you be playing Nintendo with Nick?", it didn't help, that he couldn't hold back on asking questions like that. AJ rolled his eyes: "Rok, you try playing with someone so full of frustration.", he huffed and Brian narrowed his eyes lightly, before his younger band-mate continued to speak: "And that's exactly why I am here. I'm sick of it. Ever since you and Nick had that argument he keeps crying all the time. Even worse are his bursts of anger. Nearly destroyed the TV just now, just cause the game didn't go his way."
Brian listened, but he didn't move from his spot, not giving Alex any room to sit down. "And what am I supposed to do about that?", dismissiveness was very audible in his voice. Of course it didn't make him happy, that Nick was sad, but what did AJ expect?
"I dunno, perhaps talk to him and make up? I know you still love him Rok. A blind man could see that. All those jealous looks you throw me, that has to end!", and AJ paused only to step closer and slam his palm down on the sideboard next to Brian's face. For a second Brian flinched, then he felt his anger rising. Why was AJ provoking him? Did he want to start a fight? He wouldn't allow him to get him there that easily. So he just took a deep breath, looking back up to AJ, who finally continued to speak: "It just can't go on like this, we have to work together as a group. Yeah Nick didn't visit you in hospital, big deal. He didn't know how to handle it. For fucks sake, Brian. Kid just turned eighteen. So stop being such a prick!"
Brian breathed in sharply. What had he just said? A prick? With a quick motion Brian rose from where he was sitting and gave AJ a shove, making the dark-haired man stumble backwards. The push had been strong enough, that Alex would have fallen to the ground, had his back not collided with a wall. The younger man gasped, obviously shocked by Brian's reaction. He wanted to say something, but Brian did not let him. Now it was his turn: "You calling me a prick AJ, really? Has just anyone of you ever thought about how I felt? Nick, Howie, you. None of you came to visit me in hospital. You weren't there when I was at my worst!", it finally just needed to be said. He couldn't hold it back any longer. So many months of disappointment finally needed to be addressed. And Brian wasn't done yet: "Of course, when all was over Kevin came. My own cousin. My blood. I thought for a second, that he cared. But he didn't ask how I felt or if I was okay. He only asked when I could continue the tour. Is that really all you guys care about? I could have died and all you were interested in was continuing the business?", a frustrated growl escaped Brians throat, when he was done with the tirade and AJ seemed to be at a loss of words. When he finally found them again and opened his mouth to speak, Brian stared him down and started shouting again: "Don't! I don't want to hear any word from you!", that said he brushed past his perplexed band-mate towards the front of the vehicle. He didn't actually think, he just wanted to get away from AJ.
In his anger he was dashing quite a bit. A mistake. It was not like he could have expected it. How should he have known that Nick had been eavesdropping? He couldn't have, but he found out as soon as he pushed through the door leading to the other half of the bus. When he pushed it open he heard a gasp and a second later he saw Nick dropping towards the floor. Silence. That was not what he had wanted to do. He had to help him. With quick reflexes, he sprinted forward and grabbed for Nicks upper arm to stop his fall. "Careful!", Brian called out, his worries obvious both in his expression and in his voice. Luckily he had been fast enough and as he got a hold of Nicks arm he pulled him towards himself. As this caused Nick to stumble up against his chest, Brian breathed in deeply.
"Brian.", Nick said his name in surprise, causing him to roll his eyes. With him eavesdropping like that, he should have known he was coming. Why was he always so careless? Why did he never look out for himself? He already felt frustration rising and wanted to scold the younger man for it, but he closed his mouth again, when he noticed something. Those blue eyes he loved so much, those opals, they were surrounded by redness. Nick had been crying and suddenly he felt guilty. As much as he was pissed at AJ, he had been right with one thing. Nick was so young, just eighteen. Perhaps his expectations had been too high. It must have been hard for him, knowing that he was in hospital. Surely he had been worried about the possibility of Brian not surviving. Suddenly he felt a lot more forgiving towards that blonde ball of chaos. He hated to see Nick that full of sorrows and so the decision was made. Once again he pulled at Nicks arm, but this time more gentle, just enough to pull him up against his chest. When their bodies touched Brian looked into his eyes silently, just observing for a moment, that seemed like eternity: "It's okay.", two simple words escaped Brian's mouth, but they were enough to portray what he was feeling. With them spoken he pulled Nick into a tight hug, putting his chin on top of the blonde kids shoulder.
Nick for a moment seemed tense, but it didn't take long until he started to relax. He didn't say a word, obviously trying to find out what he could say. it was difficult after such a long time of avoiding one another and Brian could understand that. So he spoke instead: "Stop being sad, okay? I forgive you. I was too hard on you.", he pulled a little bit backwards to look back up at Nick. He seemed to be confused, by his sudden change of mind. Brian sighed, then tiptoed up to put a kiss on Nicks cheek. As he did he could feel the eyes of several people who sat even further in the front of the bus, resting upon him. Not that he cared. Finally Nick spoke: "No, no you were not. I left you alone, when you needed me.", as their eyes met, Brian could see all the regrets, both of them felt. And thus he sighed another time. "It's okay Nick, really. I realized that, if you had not cared about me, you wouldn't have nagged so much to make me get surgery.", and he gently brought one hand up to remove a wild strand of hair from Nicks face. "Really everything is fine.", he paused for a moment, then put on a gentle smile: "I also miss you terribly. Can't even sleep properly without you.", he smirked and to his delight noticed, that Nicks expression grew softer as well. It took a moment, but then Nick carefully smiled back and spoke: "I miss you more Frick. You can't even imagine how much." But he could. With every fiber of his body he did. Never before had he missed someone as much as he had missed Nick and he had not even known that until now. Now, that he was finally holding onto him again, he felt the speed of his heartbeat increase, felt euphoria and happiness about being able to look into his eyes and felt as if he was finally complete again. "So... are we together again?", Nicks innocent question pulled him from his thoughts and made him chuckle a little. The way he had asked it: his head half facing the ground, his voice so unsure, it was cute. "Nick, we were never truly separated. How could we be? I love you so much. I couldn't be without you.", and his blonde angel smiled back to him, "I love you too." And with those words spoken they leaned up against each other again to share the sweetest of kisses. Brian took his time to savor it, taking the control in their passion. Had it not been for all the other people in the bus, he probably would have done more too. But like this he just parted from the kiss and the embrace slowly. Not willing to let Nick go completely, he put his hands down on his lovers waist, just holding onto him, just taking his time to look into those eyes. Sunken so deeply into them, he didn't notice how AJ came from the back room. Didn't notice how he walked past him. He didn't care either, not for Alex, not for the people sitting all the way in the front. He was angry with them still and all that counted now was Nick. All that counted now were the two of them: Frick and Frack.