Nick had been feeling uncomfortable. They had been sitting around the table for about half an hour and Brian had not even looked at him once. It bothered him. Of course he was still angry and shocked, that Brian had shoved him, but being avoided like that was even worse. It was hard for him to think about anything else. They had been here for a while already, but both Brian and him had stayed rather silent. It was not like Nick did not care, who their opener act was, but his mind was set on something else: understanding Brian.
Usually Nick did not have any problems doing that. He always had been able to read his friend. Sometimes it was as if he knew Brian better, than he knew himself. The fact that he didn't understand him now worried him deeply. All he could do, was to stare at him.
Perhaps if he only looked long enough he would get some kind of epiphany about his friends emotions. Why was he so angry? Nick regretted the stupid joke he had shot at Brian after their video game session, but he still couldn't understand why his friend was that angry. It had been a bad joke, alright, but it wasn't fair, that Brian shunned him for it. After all, what he had done that day, had been done with the purest of intentions. All he had wanted to do was to make Brian laugh. It was a quite disappointing, that Brian couldn't see that.
Nick really had wanted to see him laugh. He really loved the way he closed his eyes slightly and the way dimples formed on his cheeks, when Brian smiled. It was a beautiful sight really, one that he had been missing sorely in those last few years. Of course Brian had still smiled now and then, but the fire that once had been burning brightly behind his baby blue eyes had been dead. Nick didn't know why his friend seemed so sad. First he had assumed, that it was because of his failing voice, but after their gaming session it dawned on him, that there probably was a deeper reason for it. Depression was a bitch and Nick didn't need to be a psychologist to see, that it was probably what Brian was suffering from. Maybe it was at fault for his voice as well or the other way around. Whatever it was, that was bothering his friend, Nick wanted to help. It was not only that the Backstreet Boys needed the recovery of that voice, but also the fact, that he didn't like to see Brian like this. Nicks heart was aching in empathy and he wanted nothing more but to see Brian happy again.
Of course Brian's voice was important as well, without it their quintet wasn't complete. Without it, their music didn't have the same harmony and without it Nick was afraid to never again feel goosebumps running up and down his skin, while they performed. That voice had done that to him, making him shudder in awe again and again. He missed it so much, but he missed the old carefree Brian even more.
It was not only his voice that had changed, his whole personality had as well. He wasn't as fun anymore as he used to be. Sometimes he was even quite melancholic. Depression did that to you, Nick was well aware of that. But if that was the cause, then Brian had dealt with it for a long time. He couldn't remember the exact date when the happiness had faded from Brian's eyes, but Nick blamed himself for not doing anything about it sooner.
“Nick?”, it was at that moment, that AJ leaned over to him to nudge his shoulder, while pointing at Kevin. Obviously the oldest of the group had spoken something, but Nick had been so distracted in his thoughts, that he had not quite gathered the words. “Um, yeah?“, he faced Kevin, hoping he would repeat what he wanted, “I asked if you do not have any ideas? I mean, you haven't said a thing about the bands suggested by management.”, Kevin gave him a stern look, seemingly not all that happy about the fact, that Nick hadn't been paying attention. It was not like he could blame him, after all this was about their show, it was important they all agreed on what was going on with it. But luckily Nick had at least thought about the subject matter, before coming to their meeting today, so he sighed, before speaking up: "Well, I thought about it. Do we even need a warm-up act? Isn't some nineties music from the stereo enough?", Nick leaned forward asking that question.
From the silence that followed he knew, that his suggestion was not really a popular one. He even could feel Brian's eyes on him. So now he was looking? Nick raised his head to meet his gaze, but as soon as their eyes met Brian turned to look at AJ instead. "Now, that would be boring, wouldn't it?“, AJ spoke huffing lightly, but Nick had another idea: "Or we find a singer, that had the same issue as Brian, but overcame it. Maybe that could help him.“, he spoke the words a bit faster than needed, he knew, that they would probably lead to awkwardness, mostly because Brian didn't like to talk about his issue at all. As expected the room fell into silence. He felt slightly bad for it, but he couldn't hold himself back trying to help Brian. So he kept his head up, moving it lightly to look at each one of them individually. His intentions once again had been good and he hoped Brian would see that.
Sadly it didn't seem that way, as his band-mate was glaring angrily at him. Brian was shooting daggers with his gaze and Nick had a hard time not to avoid it when their eyes met. "Another one of your plans, Nick?“, Brian finally spoke, too „Nick, you aren't a vocal therapist, you don't even have a clue what I need.“ Of course he did not, but Nick couldn't help to feel his temper rising as those words were spoken. "At least I am trying to do something Brian. What have you been doing, except for sitting in your room sulking all day?“, he was getting louder, he could feel each word escaping his throat with force. Part of him knew, that getting angry was not really helping, but he was frustrated. Brian was avoiding him and when they spoke all he mentioned was that he couldn't do this and that. Nick hated arguing, but it seemed, that in these last days, whenever they spoke it ended up with them being at each others throats. If Brian would just listen to him: "How can you be sure, that nothing I suggest will help you? Have you even really tried to get better? Have you even once believed in yourself?" Now it was Nicks turn to stare Brian down. Evidently those words hit their mark as Brian grimaced mildly looking hurt. Great, that was not what he had wanted. For a second Brian seemed to be thinking about his words, then he spoke on: "I don't want to hear about it anymore. I don't need anybody to talk to. I don't need any other singer with the same problem. Don't you think I tried everything, that was in my power already?“, he gave a frustrated kind of grunt, "Why do you feel the need to turn the focus onto my voice again?", Nick noticed how Brian was trying to get louder, but in the end his voice left him again, leaving his words pressed and breathy. “Just leave me alone!”, were the final words he spoke and Nick heard a heap of sadness dripping with those words.
"But I just want to help you, Brian.“, Nick mumbled, as he felt slightly defeated. Did Brian really want to be left alone by him? Why did it hurt so much to hear him say that? As he felt, that his heart started ache lightly in his emotional pain, he couldn't take it anymore. Nick didn't want Brian to say these kind of things, so he started to shout as loud as he possibly could: "Stop pushing me away! I want to help you, man!" It hurt him a lot, that Brian was so stubborn and it hurt him, that he was pulling away from him. Why couldn't they just be Frick and Frack? They had always gone through the worst together. Why was that suddenly so hard now? He had wondered about that a lot recently. Brian was looking away again and Nick noticed how the other three men in the room looked back and forth between them.
"I think you two seriously need to talk!“, Howie spoke rather seriously, while standing up from his seat "If we want this to work, we need you two to stop acting like teenagers.", Sweet D gave them another look, before he put his hands into his pocket as he walked out of the room.
"He's kind of right. It sucks when we need to talk business and you two start arguing all the time.“, Kevin agreed and gave them a stare down, before nodding to AJ, "Let's Go, we can continue this talk tomorrow!" Both AJ and Kevin stood up, just like Howie had done before them. They seemed to be disappointed and Nick could perfectly understand why. The thing was, that he didn't know what he could do to mend this situation.
After the other men left there were only Nick, Brian and the returned silence left inside the room. The older singer was staring at the table now. There was an expression of regret written all over his face. He seemed to be thinking. At least he was not leaving. Even if he wasn't talking, that was a good sign. The fact, that he didn't leave meant, that he was there to listen to what Nick had to say: „Brian, what has gotten into you? I mean... I am sorry for what I said, but it was only a joke. You know that, right?", he tilted his head to the side as if to underline his question. Brian nodded. "Then why are you avoiding me?“, Nick asked and he wanted to say more but he stopped when he saw that Brian standing up from the couch. „Where are you going?“, there was still no response.
It was a confusing situation for Nick, but it didn't seem like Brian wanted to leave the room. He was just standing there for a while staring at the table. „Why are you not talking?“, it was kind of annoying, too. They wouldn't be able to put their problems aside, if Nick was the only one doing the talking. But things only got more confusing, when Brian started to walk over to him. What was his friend up to? Did he want to punch him? Brian was shivering as he came closer in slow steps and out of instinct Nick moved backwards lightly. “You're freaking me out!“ And it was true, Brian's behavior being silent like that was kind of creepy. But despite his protests Brian didn't stop and Nick wanted to speak again, when he was silenced by what happened next, because as the other man finally was close enough to act he put his finger onto Nick's lips.
He still didn't speak, but the gesture was enough to keep Nick silent. Of course he still felt tense, since he didn't know what the other was planning, but there was something else too. Being so close to Brian, it felt oddly right so he didn't move, not even when Brian sat down next to him. What was going on? Before he could even think about it Brian made another move, grabbing him by the shoulder with one hand and by the hip with the other. What was going on? The question again shot into his head. Why was Brian so close all of a sudden? Why did Nick feel his cheeks getting warm? And why did his heart suddenly beat so fast? Again Nick wondered, what had gotten into his friend, as the older man moved his arms around him to pull him into a hug.
That was unexpected, he couldn't understand, why Brian all of a sudden wanted to hug him, when they had been arguing only seconds ago. There were many things in this moment, that he didn't understand. While Brian was nuzzling against his shoulders hiding his face Nick was getting nervous. He had felt himself blushing, but he didn't know why, after all this was his best friend who had his arms around him. They had hugged before and often, but something about this hug right now, made him feel all kinds of confused.
„I'm sorry, Nick.“, he heard Brian whisper against his shoulder, and as he turned his head to face him, he could see that he was crying. „It is not your fault, that things are the way they are. I shouldn't push you away. But it's for the best, can't you see that? It's the only thing I can do.“
Suddenly Brian pulled back from the hug only to push Nick lightly down onto the couch. He was hovering above him now, the ceiling lamp illuminating his back, masking his facial features in the shadows. With Brian on top of him like that Nick was frozen. His heart beat so fast, it surprised him, that it wasn't jumping out of his chest already. Nick still couldn't understand what was going on. He was so nervous and confused, that it rendered him completely unable to do or say anything. Brian was his friend, he shouldn't be feeling, what he was feeling right now. The things he was feeling, were things you should only feel for your lover.
His eyes were wide open when he felt Brian touch his lip. It made him gasp and made him bend his back against the pillows. Brian was staring down into his eyes, while his finger trailed along Nicks lip, to feel the shape of it. Nick greatly enjoyed the feeling of it, but was too overwhelmed to show it. He didn't know what to do. So all he did was laying there frozen and meeting the Brian's gaze with his own. What was going on with both of them? There was electricity buzzing in the air for sure, but they weren't supposed to do these kind of things with each other. Maybe Brian had thought the same, because suddenly he moved off of him, sitting up straight again. „Can't you see, why I need to push you away?“, and he stared at him, making Nick gasp yet again, when he understood what Brian meant.
„It's better that way!“, and there was this incredible sadness speaking dripping out of his words again. A sadness, that said more, than the actual words did by themselves. „It's better for all of us if I stay away from you as far as possible. It's particularly better for you and for me.“, he smiled softly, but his eyes were revealing how sad he truly felt. It was the same heartbreaking picture Nick had seen so many times over the last years and it made him sit up as well to put a hand on his friends shoulder. It was all he could do, since he was still at a loss of words. But as soon as he touched Brian's shoulder, the older man shook it off and stood up. “Don't touch me!“, his words shot like a dagger into Nick's heart.
“Thank you for worrying about me and my voice, though. I'll get me some help from a doctor. Someone who actually knows about vocal chords.“, when Brian spoke these words it was like he twisted that dagger, that was now stuck in Nick's heart. It was painful to hear him speak like that, it felt like he was not honest in his appreciation of Nick's attempts to help him. Of course Nick didn't know shit about vocal chord therapy, but he had still attempted to help his friend, because he had actually believed, that he could. It probably didn't matter now, since all he could see was Brian's back. He didn't even see his expression. The only thing he saw were his movements and the steps he made towards the door. Brian was leaving and that hurt as well.
It hurt, but Nick didn't know what words to speak to make him stop. He didn't even know what to feel right now. There were so many thoughts on his mind, that it was hard to put them in order. Should he be flustered by Brian's earlier advances? Should he be weirded out, that his heart beat so fast for a man, who used to be his best friend? Should he be angry about Brian, being mean? Should he angry about him running away like he always did? He felt all of it at once, so he could really only stare, as the door opened and Brian stepped out. There was the same dumbfounded expression on his face, that had been there, the last time Brian had run away. But this time he was hurting and more confused. He didn't know when, how or why it could have come to this. If he was true to himself, he wasn't even exactly sure he understood what Brian was feeling, Did he love him or did he just lust for him? There was a difference between those two for sure. Both options were making him nervous and perhaps there were even more options, that he didn't think about. It definitely seemed like attraction of some kind. He had seen that in Brian's eyes when he had looked up into them. One thing was certain though: thinking about it now was definitely not helping, since it made the anger rise up inside of him. Nick just couldn't believe the way Brian had left him sitting here alone, especially after the things he had done with him on the couch: „You're a fucking asshole Brian Littrell!“, he shouted out in his frustration and lowered his head down onto his palms, covering his eyes. „Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!“, he punched the couch pillow, before throwing himself onto it. All those feelings, they were mixing up, but both sadness and anger were overwhelming all other emotions and drove tears into his eyes. How could Brian just leave him like that? Why did he always have to be such a coward?